my Head and my Heart

It's for the Ladies.

2012-02-15T10:51:00.000-08:00

Dear [insert endearing nickname here],

How was your Valentine's Day? Did you have a Valentine? Did she dress cute and draw compliments from your lips about how she was the loveliest of all girls yesterday? Did you have fun? Or were you alone? I prayed for you yesterday...and so did your future sister-in-law. She probably prayed specifically, while I prayed more generally (because it takes a lot of emotional stability to pray with focus for things you don't yet have). Something like, "Oh Lord, be with him. Let us find one another."

I, for one, knew that Valentine's Day #22 would be a go-alone. I knew because of the fast...but this foreknowledge somehow made the lovey-dovey day easier. It's as if I had told myself, "Nothing is going to happen this year. Delight in the personal traditions you love, be a girl, and keep busy." And I did. I kept very busy with my personal Valentine's traditions.

You see, when we do find one another, I may not be totally into the whole Valentine's Day thing all that much. I may view it as a day for ministering to single women because I received some blessed ministry from my sister and brother-in-law last night. Our breakfast-for-dinner PJ party was the perfect end to my *celebration of all things girly* day. Here's how it went:

First, the outfit. Oh the outfit. You can tell by walking around and perusing colors which girls are having good Valentine's Days...and which ones are either in denial or in mourning. But my outfit was jeans, pink and purple tweed pumps, a pink sweater, and heart jewelry. Breakfast was sausage and an egg, sunny-side up in the shape of a heart. I broke away from some dietary limits yesterday and allowed myself 1 tasty coffee beverage and 1 tasty dessert. This was in the plan. So a mocha was in hand as I slipped into work 5 minutes early. I found a great fine-tipped fuchsia sharpie that I used throughout my shift and enjoyed holiday festivities at the workplace. Classes went on as usual, but then came the PJ party. All the good breakfast foods, lots of pink, Glee, and flourless chocolate cupcakes (recipe here)...but most importantly, the company of a loving couple and another fab single lady. We even saw an appearance by Mom and Dad who dropped by bearing gifts.

So you see, I'd love to go out with you and celebrate our love together on future Valentine's Days...but you may have to just accept that fact that I've gone through a lot of personal formation in February 14ths past and I may need some time to just be a girl on those days. I will; we will minister to single individuals on Valentine's Days...because I know what it feels like for someone to look over and notice that I'm alone again. And to reach out and love me there. What beauty.
I love you. Well...I'll one day love you, that's for sure. And you'll one day read this and hopefully agree that Valentine's Day is for the ladies. See you some day.

Love,
Christine

Love life? ...you really goin' there?

2012-02-10T10:38:00.000-08:00

Why yes I am. I'm about to talk about my love life.

Kind of.

More like my lack of a love life. And I say this phrase without (outright) bitterness because, as I mentioned a week ago, I've embarked on an intentional three month dating fast. Through life circumstances and friendly advise from true friends and prayer and a "what the heck" attitude, I've decided that this would be best for me at my point in life. The point in life where I looked, as a dazzley-eyed fourteen year old and thought, "by the time I'm graduating from college, I'll be engaged to the man of my dreams and I'll be married by 22." 22 was always my number...I decided upon 22 when I was about 10. It seemed like a great age to get married. And many people I know are following their own "22" time-lines. But it's not happening to me. 22 may actually come and go without any love action whatsoever. Am I ok with that?

Not really. Oh boy, no...to the point where, over the past couple of years, I have intentionally searched for love. Looking around every corner and falling into that Christian womanly accursed stereotype of seeing every male as a potential mate. It's shameful to admit this, but I do so all the same because I know many, many women can agree and relate. We have guy friends, sure. But what we see is potential. It's a sad, sick reality that I'd love to get over but am not sure I can by sheer willpower.

And I've been hurt. I mean, generally and specifically. My own devises have left me lacking in the kind of love old Christian couples talk about...that kind of eternal friendship we're all longing after. But more specifically, I'm like Gigi from "He's just not that into you." I fancy myself confident and bold (which is true of me), but when I get hurt, I take it hard and hit low lows to the extent of the highs at which I aimed.

I was at this point about a month ago where I started saying to close friends: "I've come to the conclusion that I just have the worst timing, the worst luck, the worst taste in men!" And those very friends laughed and assured me that I wasn't crazy...but I think they partially agreed with me too. Maybe not about the luck, or even the taste. But the timing.

So it's time for a break. Over the next three months, I will be exploring (on my own, and maybe with readers) things like:
Why are certain qualities in men truly attractive and what makes me over-accepting of those qualities which aren't?
Do I really love and trust God enough to be ok with 10 or 15 more years of the single life?
HOW do I gain more contentment and joy in my life with Jesus?
What kind of a man do I really want to marry?

And I will be attempting a greater level of close relationship with my creator, as I strive after the truth found in Hebrews 10:22-
"...let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water."

Thanks for reading and considering my journey with an open mind of your own. More to come.

Middle-of-the-Pyramid Update

2012-02-08T22:20:00.000-08:00

I'm calling this my middle-of-the-pyramid update because since this post, I've been eating LOTS of fruits and veggies.

No physical, emotional, or spiritual improvements from the yeast free diet as of yet. Ha. But my doctor did encourage me to focus on the foods I can have rather than those I can't. So here is a list of foods I've been enjoying for the past two weeks:

Mexican! It's surprisingly easy to do a yeast free burrito with my brown rice tortillas.

Almond milk. Gross if not refrigerated or if sipped alone, but in a cold smoothie, it really does the trick.

Oh yes, smoothies. For snacks and desserts... as a filling dessert, I've been doing frozen banana, peanut butter, cocoa powder, and almond milk in beverage-form.

Gluten free crackers.

Chocolate sweetened with beets! {Found, of course, at the one. the only. Trader Joe's!}

Farmer's marked fruits.

Itallian sausage, onions and peppers, quinoa (this was my dinner tonight).

Some days have been miserable. I am so grateful to have all the food I need in life... to live in a country where trying a diet like this is possible. But it has not been very fun. Drastically changing the way I eat begs me to pay attention to what physical desires are saying about my heart's condition. However, there is grace and I am clinging to it tightly, because never have I had so much respect for something as seemingly simple as a diet!

What I'm Into-Jan '12

2012-01-31T22:46:00.000-08:00

I've been inspired by my bloggy friend, Megan (if you haven't seen SortaCrunchy, you haven't thoroughly experienced the mom-blog scene)... she does a "what I'm into" post each month and I find her categories inspiring. So I'll use her format as my prompt and hopefully bring you some interesting tid-bits at the end of each month this year!

What I'm into (or was into) this January, 2012:

On my nightstand: are no books... I don't keep books on my nightstand, nor do I have time for free reading right now. I did, however, recently start a reread of To Kill a Mockingbird; one of my favorites! I'm mostly reading out of my Norton Anthologies for a Lit class I'm desperately trying to finish. On my nightstand are a water bottle, vanilla candle, almond & pistachio milk lotion, and picture frame.

TV show worth watching: Once Upon a Time, Parenthood, and New Girl are back! Pan Am is also back, but I've been a little less captured by it this month.

Movie I've seen: My roommates and I started a LOTR "marathon"... we'll be stretching it out over a few weekends, so I don't know if you could really call it a marathon. It is my favorite movie series and always has been. So many spiritual analogies and so much to savor each time you watch!

In my kitchen: wheat free, sugar free everything... lots and lots of fruits and veggies. And meat! Today, I went to the farmer's market and got red potatoes, strawberries, apples, and cucumbers. Yum.

In my ears: Coldplay and other familiar comfort tunes.

What I'm looking forward to next month: The beginning of my 3 month dating fast. I'll definitely be writing about this as it may be the only actual fun aspect of the experience!

...and that's what I was into this month. Happy February, everyone!

Gluten free has got nothin' on yeast free!

2012-01-29T08:41:00.000-08:00

That's right.

Quick update from last post: I am working on bigger and better things for myHandH... maybe a new location, maybe just a new title... it's all very behind-the-scenes at this point.

And while behind-the-scenes happens, I am here to share about my new diet. I feel like I need to say, "That's right", again because me and diet don't really go together.

This is not a weight loss diet, though I probably will slim down from its potency. I've been going to a homeopathic chiropractor for the past six months or so. She has served as a chiropractor, nutritionist, and sort of lifestyle coach to me. Sometimes I roll my eyes at her and protest that her ideas will not work. But my immune system has been seriously strengthened because of the supplements she has me on and my headaches have all but disappeared since I've started getting adjusted regularly. Since the beginning of our time together she had been warning me that eventually, she wanted to take me off of sugar completely.

This was that week of confrontation. To make a long story short, she got my attention and made me realize that if I didn't at least try her diet plan for me, I would never see the positive effects of it. So here is the diet:

Yeast free! Which means:
No wheat.
No sugar.
No dairy.

The idea is that yeast builds up in our systems and since I struggle with health-related issues such as chronic fatigue, acne, and mood swings (which yeast build up is said to bring on or contribute to), I am a perfect candidate for the program. Yeast feeds on sugar, its favorite food and since the yeast already lives in my body, I have to get rid of it.

Well, when I left her office, I cried and said to myself, "A life without milk and sugar is not a life I'm interested in living!" Seriously, I said that. But in the past few days, I've been praying for the Lord to change my heart and help me to crave healthy foods that would fit in this diet. I also felt that I could give myself permission to ease into this huge undertaking. So this week, I'm doing no wheat and no added sugar (meaning I'm still allowing myself honey and agave, but no actual sugar-as-an-ingredient). If all goes well, I'll think about reducing dairy.

Grocery shopping for this project was fun. I went to my (favorite) Trader Joe's, of course. I bought things like:

Brown rice tortillas
Bell peppers, bananas, green beans... lots of veggies
Meat! ...though I need to buy more because this is now a major food group. Why does meat have to be so expensive?
Hummus
Corn tortilla chips and salsa

So this is my plan. I will be kind to myself as I see how my body takes to these new foods. I will stave off cravings with will power and good snacks. And if I fail, I will have at least tried really, really hard.

More to come!

Focus.

2012-01-25T09:54:00.000-08:00

I've been on writing hiatus for no particular reason other than I've lacked inspiration. And I've been listening to this podcast where a professional entrepreneur blogger hosts other professional entrepreneur bloggers... they talk about the books their writing and how tough it is to be a mom while pursuing these careers. And I'm being lazy, not mentioning any names because I don't feel like linking to the podcast even though it's great. I'm just having that slow, tired, want-my-morning feeling. And because of these influencing mom bloggers, I've felt (I suppose) a little inadequate. Like, "Ok I'm not a mom, so why am I SO interested in these bloggers?", and, "Wow, myHandH has no direction... I just write about whatever comes to mind."

I've been thinking about ways to bring a greater focus to my blog. "Young Adult Christian Living in a Creative World"? That's the most compelling idea I have so far. If I keep all posts centered around that theme, maybe I'll reclaim the drive I once knew. Another reason I feel urgency to focus is because of my book project... remember back in May I announced that I'll be writing a book? {Sorry, but you'll have to forgive the very-specific-to-this-decade no link mood I'm in again.} Well it happened upon me that no one will be interested in buying or even reading a book that has no focus, no theme.

Young adult
Christian
living
in a Creative world...

I really want to add green living to the mix as well, but I suppose creation care could fit into "Christian" or "living"... and then there's homemaking, hmm. It's a process. I'll be back soon with a vision.

Fuel

2012-01-13T15:19:00.000-08:00

Pain is fuel.

I just got finished with a wonderful conversation with my mentor who articulated for me the feeling I'm facing. That is, feeling like I'm back in "the same place" again. And she offered me a beautiful illustration...

In contrast to a 'round and 'round farris wheel, the journey of life experiences is actually more like a trail through a diverse forest. Some spots are beautifully lit and full of mushrooms and owls and farriers and all those romantic things I believe to inhabit a forest. Other patches are dark and full of scary corner turning, peering, and running away from the big-BAD-...something. And sometimes I do feel like I'm in the same spot I was in 6 months ago or a year ago.

But I'm not.

It's impossible to be in the same place. Not with our God; not with the growth and work he does in lives. I'm further down the trail, but the bending and winding has brought me back to the same view. Everything around looks the same as it did during that terrible tragedy or that averse heartbreak, but I am not in the same place. And I might just be brought back to this view again, but then I'll be even further along.

So I've decided that heartache is fuel because I am in a different part of my life's path... and though I hurt over harsh stuff that throws itself on me in that life forest, I'm motivated to move. To keep moving down the path and into the next thing. That is, after I sit here and look at this all-too-familiar view for a few days.

Opener Highway

2012-01-08T20:20:00.000-08:00

I don't like feeling irritable. Who does? I need a place to appropriately release the crabby. Hello blogosphere! {Feel free to click away... though I promise I'll try not to cross over into actual complaining.}

Synonyms for "irritable":
1. snappish, petulant, resentful.

Resentful? I don't know about that one, but snappish and petulant? Absolutely. I often get this way when I have too much expendable time on my hands.

Everyone is talking about Tim Tebow today and I'm just not on that band wagon. What's up?
I made my youtube debut with a cover of Green Eyes this afternoon... after HOURS of recording and re-taking and sound-checking (for which I feel useless... I want to play with real sound equipment) and it just wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. I had to end my time with the webcam saying "ok" to imperfection and though that sounds really insightful and mature, I'm not yet feeling the resolution.
I know there's a place for dry prayers; I accept this. But I sit down to pray with Jesus and feel like the weight of the world is hovering above my shoulders somewhere. {It's not on my shoulders, for I'm not in despair, but it's hovering right around there, all foggy and such.}

So.

I'm going on a road trip. I don't know that this is the answer for all irritability, but it's an answer that works for me right now. I'm going to escape the weird, snappish petulance and spend some time with friends. Or not. I'm going to spend a lot of time driving, that's for sure. I'm going to see a new area, catch up with chums, and BE away.

I tried to write a new song last week and came up with a satisfying first verse and chorus:

It's like I'm on a road
of so many speed bumps and stop signs,
like I'm driving quite slow
in a vehicle of clumsiest kinds.

When will I get to opener highway?
When will I throw my arm out the window?
When will I see wild horsies and cows play?
When will I, satisfied, lay down my head on my pillow?

Yes, opener highway is what I'm after. Hallelujah for parents who are letting me borrow their good car so I don't have to take the one {Shamu} "of clumsiest kinds".

Goals, not Resolutions

2012-01-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

Resolutions are hard to keep... and resolving to change is quite extreme; rigid. However, I know that I need goals come every new year for the sake of who I am and how I function, so I've taken some time to set mine.

2012! This year, I want to...

1. Be a prayerful woman. Pray every day and when it gets hard or boring, pray a little more. When my feet hit the ground in the morning, Satan says, "Oh crap. She's up."
...I mentioned somewhere in here that spirituality has been tough lately. But praying a little more is what I'm gonna do. Because, as I was reminded in church on Sunday, doing something (like a spiritual discipline) when you aren't feeling it is not hypocritical or unauthentic. It's an obedient and faithful effort.

2. Keep my areas and my home cleaner. Make my bed once a day (even if it's evening and I throw the covers on and toss pillows near the head), do dishes and pick up clothes/books once a day; sweep often.
...Walking into a smelly apartment yesterday was a wake up call. None of us have been living there for the past couple weeks and though a full garbage was what caught my attention first, my wake up call was to communicate. I need to communicate my living and cleanliness needs and I need to urge my roommates to do the same with me... because Lord knows I can be a messy ma'am. We're just trying to create a home here. All of us.
By the way, "sweep often" is on that list because we live in a tiny little kitchen and somehow, every day, it gets nasty.

3. Exercise 3-4 times a week and eat right (for me). Drink water, take supplements, go to the Chiropractor.
...I'm already struggling. Motivation is so hard to grab hold of in this area. But I've made it a real real goal, so I'm striving. I've got to take care of this temple.

4. Publish a book.
...I went on hiatus from writing the autobiography this semester (not surprisingly) and I've actually come up with some new ideas for a book. I'm not going professional with this thing; just looking to self-publish something on Lulu by the end of 2012. I really plan to make it happen! And you can bet I'll keep you all in the loop. {Or hey, maybe I'll keep it a major surprise! Ok, shh... forget everything I just said.}

5. Be there for Laura and Gracelynn.
...Gracelynn is my soon-to-be-here(!!!) neice. Gracelynn Noelle. I'm throwing a shower for Laura, I've committed myself to being available for assistance in labor and delivery, and I'll be nanying little G part time. I'm thrilled!

6. Get plugged into a new community after graduation.
...I'll most likely be moving into my parent's guest house (unless I get offered a great out-of-state job!) after I graduate and currently, I'm grappling between staying at my church or going to a new, nearer church with a better established college/career group.

7. Have a 3rd annual Sleighbell Sisters' Soiree.
...wrote about that here.

8. Travel (near or far).
...I've got friends and family in Canada, Africa, Minnesota, Colorado, NorCal, Chile, Turkey, Tennessee, Missouri... the list goes on and on (and gets longer as I age... wow, a whole future post there!). Plus, I just feel better when I'm traveling. I long to visit London for the summer Olympics, but I doubt that will really happen.

Those are my goals! It just so happens to be a coincidence that 8 is my favorite number and there are 8 tangible goals to work at this year. Good things always come in 8s for me... nothing superstitious there, just detailed and lovely.

Do you have 2012 goals? {Or I guess I'll hear your resolutions too... if resolutions work for you, more power to ya!}

Farewell, 2011.

2011-12-31T17:59:00.000-08:00

I started reading through my 2011 journals a few days ago and I just had to stop myself. This year had some really heavy points... it wasn't until I was half way through my second journal (wrote 6 this year!) that I realized I was having a terrible time. Reading through prayer journals is always a bit taxing, but I realized this time that doing a full-blown annual reflection isn't a necessity every. single. year.

So after February, I read one entry from each month and kinda got the gist of my 2011 life. My attitude this week (before I sat down and did a proper mini 'reflection&thanks' session today) was "good riddance 2011!" But no way am I saying that now. Though I am eager to see 2011 go and 2012 come, I'm remembering some of the lessons God taught me this year and I'm realizing that they could not have been learned any other way.

In social news (or anti-social, you decide), I tried desperately to find New Year's Eve plans all week. I'm serious. I've exhausted just about every Southern California friend and connection I know trying to find something fun. I just wanted to wear my new purple dress, dance a little, and count down in a big crowd... but nothing came through, so I'm staying home and eating pizza with my parents. They birthed me and raised me so they are, in fact, worth hanging out with. Ok!

With all this said, finishing out another year has proven a little rougher than expected and I am ready for 2012. Ready to graduate and become a full-fledged adult.
Haha, is that what's gonna happen?
AND I happen to be incredibly grateful for the life God has given me. I'm grateful that he never sees any of my years as wasted. And I'm grateful for you, my readers. Thank you for reading and, in turn, offering me attention through awareness. You make writing for myHandH especially exciting for me!

Happy New Year, everyone.

mirror-rorrim

2011-12-26T21:30:00.000-08:00

I hope you and yours had a joyful Christmas day. Mine was pleasant... family and friends, a relaxed sleepy all day long (I tell you, all that refined sugar), and Luke 2 as our passage for the day.

So tonight I'm presenting the favorites from my mirror session! Photos by Jamie (I only wish she had her own blog... maybe I'll feature a few photos from her session soon). If you're tuning in just now and need further description on this mirroring deal, scroll down or click here. I'm gonna do my best to explain to you why each photo is important to my specific season of life. Ready??

Whenever I'm living or staying at home, I must hug my mom in the mornings. It's like standard procedure. Our family has a thing for hanging out in the kitchen in our pajamas. Getting the perfect breakfast together is one of my favorite things right now.

Ingredients for life? This season has brought along plenty of quirky health issues, including new discoveries about my low blood sugar. Whole foods, raw sugars, whole wheat... that's what I try to eat now and I love it.

The perfect morning includes good music, a tasty breakfast, coffee (with creamer), yoga pants, and quiet time ingredients (i.e. Bible, journal, pen)... I think morning will always be my favorite time of day.

This is my favorite way to feel comfort right now. Like the couch is swallowing me...at that moment, I was probably smelling my coffee, not actually drinking it. I smell just as much as I sip. Peace. Also, I like to eat one piece of toast with coconut oil & honey, the other with pure Irish butter and kosher salt...

Spiritually, I'm trying. I try to pay attention. I try to pray... and I know the Lord honors my efforts. I promise I wasn't aiming at this particular facial expression, but Jamie caught something very real.

When I first presented my mirror-rorrim request to Jamie, she was very receptive. I asked where she would want her photos taken and she said in the city 'cause she feels small right now. I thought, "perfect. perfect."

This is my belly-yum-yum dance. I invented it a couple months ago in my kitchen while baking a bacon cheesecake with my friend Jarrod. And I decided people would feel endeared toward me when I did this. It naturally comes out now whenever I dance... hopefully it passes? I can see myself now busting it out at a wedding.
{To my credit, I was dancing to "Belly of the Lion" by John Mark McMillan}

Dancing in the light. Sooo heaven. I just have to believe there will be this in heaven. It makes me so happy.

I've been very attentive while putting on makeup recently. I don't know how else to describe the experience. Not attentive to my appearance alone, but to my spirit... I pay close attention to how each alteration of my look affects my feelings of me. I try to find beauty in the process, not just the finished product.

Mascara is most fun. It's the one thing I put on (well, ok. 2 things: foundation and mascara) if I don't have time for "real makeup", which was most Mondays-Fridays this semester. Instant wake up! Fun fact: I can put on mascara without opening my mouth.

I'm so glad Jamie caught this. I make this face a lot in my mind but I don't think I ever knew just what it looked like. This face is anxiety masked in fast-paced living. Yikes, it is.

We went to the road that serves as our local 2 lane highway amidst big suburbs. I commute on this road from home to school, which means the semester I lived at home, I spent a lot of time here. It is beautiful. I love to roll down the windows on a sunny day and see just how green the grass can get. I got out and talked with the cows for a bit.

Every woman needs to be able to look at a proper photo of herself and say "I am beautiful". There's nothing easy about the above said task, but I believe this to be true! I am beautiful. Not only here... I am beautiful.
And I know I don't even have to describe the battle that rages on my insides when I utter such a phrase. I think you feel that too, whether you're woman or man.

When I get very excited, I can't contain myself. Here, excitement manifested itself in "Hi cows!" Whatever the situation (a surprise present from a friend, good coffee smells, the reality of God's grace, being on an airplane), I always wear excitement on my sleeve... or my face. It's good to feel excited at least once a day, I think.

So there you have it. Mirroring. Inspired by Shine**ing (look, look!)... and very, totally worth it. Thanks, Jae, for mirroring me.

A Very Mirror Christmas

2011-12-24T15:27:00.000-08:00

Do you know about Shannon Leith? You can find her here.

Her new shine** portrait experience inspired Jamie and I to do a photo adventure with one another. We wanted to capture activities we love. We wanted to stay away from posing, though we threw some cheesy poses in 'cause we're both hammy. We wanted to look at ourselves the way God looks at his girls. Well, actually, that would be impossible because we can not fathom the extent to which God loves us, but we did commit ourselves to patience and grace. We set out the rule-- no blaming for vanity. "It is about you right now, so you've got to focus." We called our day-long photo adventure mirror-rorrim (hehe, get it?). The title was inspired by a professor of mine who said week after week this semester that "when we look at a spiritual friend, we see ourselves more clearly... as if looking in a mirror."

So yesterday we did our mirror sessions and today we looked through each photo, talked about what it "said", and did a bit of editing. Jamie and I usually follow the tradition of passing time together on Christmas Eve so it was perfect. Merry Christmas us!

Here's one photo... my favorite of the dancing ones (there's a lot of those).

I'll publish an album after Christmas. I think it's good for me to sit with the images, pray through some of them ("God, what do you see here?"), and carefully choose a good representation of me.

So Happy Christmas, everyone! Here's a great verse as click-away:

Now to the Lord, sing praises, all you within this place.
And with true love and brotherhood, each other now embrace.
This holy tide of Christmas all others doth deface,
Oh tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy.
Oh tidings of comfort and joy!

Traditions?

2011-12-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about Christmas traditions... I'll make a little list:

Putting out the needle-point nativity scene in the family room. Baby Jesus fits into Mary's belly and the angel doesn't stand by itself anywhere except on Mary's head (in the angel slot). When I was little I would act out the story and always fly the angel to the scene as the big finish... "And then the angel came back to join the party!" (plop into Mary's head).

And... that might be it.

What?! Well, our family does do a lot of the same Christmassy things every year. And to their credit, we put on a fab Christmas Day (sounds very commercial, but it's really not). But my point is this: we don't have many tangible traditions. You'll notice that even my nativity tradition was self-generated. I sometimes seem to be the only family member who cares to painstakingly keep traditions. {Sis just pointed out that I am blogging while they bake cookies though... so I'm red-handed too.} I'm the one who cried when my parents decided the tree should go in a different location one year. I beg my mom to read "The Night Before Christmas" every Christmas Eve, though she protests that I'm too old. I argue that it's for the benefit of all.

Ok, wow, my family is great. Magnificent. Don't mistake me there. But here's what I'm wondering: is it something about being a youngest child? Having a family that's a little more laid back in the tradition zone, my youngest child needs seem to really emerge at Christmas time. I need more hugs, I want more attention, (I count presents shhh)... I desperately care about keeping traditions. Does that fit? Maybe.

Whatever the case, I suppose I can look at it in a different way. Our family has a tradition of keeping Christmas flexible. There's joy and freedom in that. And Jesus is supposed to be (and is) the center anyways, so I guess flexible works. He brings the necessary structure that will never die.

I'm gonna go put up the needle point nativity and then join my family for whatever it is they're doing next.

Why I hate the enigmatic goodbye.

2011-12-15T12:23:00.000-08:00

Today is my sister and brother-in-law's 5th wedding anniversary. A significant day for them, of course, but also one which holds huge memories for me. I was 16, she was beautiful, the night was cold... Trans-Siberian Orchestra played as she walked under the big sign I had decorated as the dutiful and smitten Maid of Honor... Becca sang, I fluffed the dress, and Laura & Oliver rightly stole the rest of the show.

And as much as I'm celebrating their love (and their coming baby) in my heart today, I'm gonna talk about me again. Is that ok? The day after the wedding was strange. Out-of-town relatives were still around, wedding gifts needed a home, there was so much leftover food, for some reason I had a ton of homework... and meanwhile, my brother and sister-in-law were celebrating their 6th month of marriage. That's right, I "lost" and "gained" all my siblings in one year. 2006 was year of the Wedding.

I'm about to attempt a connection. I'm not feeling really expressive today. I feel more like emotions are stuck, all pent-up somewhere deep in me. So here goes: I'm all "hoorah" for the end of the semester, but I'm dreading this weekend when the hype of graduation and last-week things are over. I have to say goodbye to two good friends today; two more tomorrow... all four of which are moving away for good, basically. I have to decide when I'm moving home (always feels super stupid to me to "move home" for 6 weeks). And I'm afraid that with all of these goodbyes and silly endings (some sillier than others... like~~what do I do with my Christmas tree?), closure will lack. Jesus has been teaching me that closure is not always necessary or even Biblical. But still, there's an anxiety in my heart to please everyone by being good at goodbyes and transition.

Ugh. I care about YOU. This isn't about me.

Soundtrack for a final final

2011-12-12T09:50:00.000-08:00

I just took my one and only final of the semester, my final final... after sleeping a 5 hour night. I get sort of proud of myself when I stay up late to study because I just don't live up the college life all that much. Though I'm half afraid a professor will email me at some point this week saying, "Hey you're the only student who didn't turn in a term paper. What's up?"... I am pretty sure that's irrational. Funny since Albert Ellis, resident rational thinker himself, has been my companion for the past 24 hours.

As I took my test, this battle song 'raged' through my mind... leftover from a joyous Christmas concert at church last night. I love the truthful irony Robert Southwell used in composing this ancient(ish) cannon--{1500s, ancient?}. Enjoy!

This little Babe so few days old,
Is come to rifle Satan's fold;
All hell doth at his presence quake,
Though he himself for cold do shake;
For in this weak unarmed wise
The gates of hell he will surprise.

With tears he fights and wins the field,
His naked breast stands for a shield;
His battering shot are babish cries,
His arrows made of weeping eyes,
His martial ensigns cold and need,
And feeble flesh his warrior's steed.

His camp is pitched in a stall,
His bulwark but a broken wall;
The crib his trench, haystalks his stakes,
Of shepherds he his muster makes;
And thus as sure his foe to wound,
The Angels' trumps alarum sound.

My soul with Christ join thou in fight,
Stick to the tents that he hath pight;
Within his crib is surest ward,
This little Babe will be thy guard;
If thou wilt foil thy foes with joy,
Then flit not from this heavenly boy.

P.S. Try singing those last two lines on stage without giggling...

P.P.S. Image=Peaceful Rain by Daniel Wall... found it an am feelin' it.

Issue #721

2011-12-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

Right now, I need Explosions in the Sky. I need it on full blast and I need to be articulate. If I'm not, I think something very bad might get stuck in my soul. Not that I'm superstitious... souls don't work that way. My soul has been freely surrendered to Christ, but in the past few days, my freely captive soul has experienced upheaval. Questions, new struggles I previously called foreign, some trauma, a lack of outlet, "outlet" in the strangest of places, really good friendship, really hard long-distance pains (kinda like homesickness).

And I'm sorry, but unless you know me, this post won't feel very articulate or satisfying to you. But I need it articulated for me. Something...not life-changing, not devastating, but real and hard happened and from it has come a real lostness. Physical is never just physical. There's a reason we were created the way we were, with our hearts so closely connected (physiologically and emotionally) to our brains. Nothing physical goes unnoticed by the circuits of emotion running through our bodies. Nothing ordinarily painful get passed up by our spirits... they (our physical bodies, emotions, souls) are like little old ladies at the back of a Mid-Western Baptist church gossiping up a storm about YOU.

"Ok ladies, what does this mean? How is Christine? What does this situation do to her here? How will it affect that relationship there? Long term? What kind of a memory will this become? Let's work together now."

Last night, in feeling very alone, yet knowing only Christ could be perfectly what I so wanted someone else to be for me (and with my blessed professor's voice in my head, saying, "Don't look to others to fill what only Christ can. It's disappointing.")... with all that going on, I took a drive. Not a long drive up a mountain, though I was craving such an adventure. Nope, just a drive down an average street. I wanted to loose myself. I wanted to blast music (not Explosions that time; different mood), forget physical pain, be alone, and blow off steam like a man. It wasn't until I started driving that I realized I was angry. Deeply angry. Angry and disappointed with people. Angry with the way society works. Angry with... myself, perhaps.

And you know what? Anger is a downright ok feeling. It can be really productive.

But loneliness is not an ok feeling. Almost everyone knows what it's like to be in a crowded room, yet to feel all alone. You might not think so, but I think many, especially extroverts (yes), have actually been there. And as an introvert myself ("the lonely place" kind of person), I'm telling you that loneliness is not ok because it shouldn't be real. I think that's the difference between anger and loneliness. Anger should be real... there are things that make everyone angry. The world is a fallen place which necessitates real anger from any thinking person. Loneliness shouldn't be real. The presence of Christ, for a Christian, should always satisfy, but it does not always work that way... and there is the dissonance that drives me crazy.

However, my crazy head and longing heart are rooted deeply in truth, due to Jesus' extreme mercy. And that's why in situations like "this", ha... I can cry out to him. I say (with but an ounce of emotion backing up the sentiment of my words), "Lord fill in the gaps. Be everything I'm craving and needing right now. Satisfy everywhere." And he hears and he answers and sometimes I don't know how. But that same crazy head and longing heart are "sane-ized" and comforted and it becomes ok. He will never let me go, nor will he let me stand next to a challenge too big for my own dealing.

This is not meant to be a neat ending to a confusing and embarrassing problem, but it looks like that's maybe what's happening. I'm becoming more and more ok with messy interludes. My best friend, closure, is getting the cold shoulder oftener these days.

But alas, Christ is all. He came in and comes in and will keep coming every night until this is over... and he fills all my stupid gaps. Hallelujah.

Second Annual

2011-12-04T13:09:00.000-08:00

Tonight is my second annual Sleighbell Sisters' Soiree all-girls Christmas party. And I have a lot to do... so why am I here? I guess this is just my de-stressing (oft confused with distressing) outlet.

I was thinking last night as I hung the banner outside my apartment door... "what if I get to the 50th annual Scubed party?" I'll be 70 years old. Oh my! That got me to thinking of all the things I may be doing at 70 and, much to my surprise, I felt really excited about that future. Though I have no idea who I will marry, how many children I'll have, if I'll really end up living overseas or not... I know that when I'm 70, I will still have girlfriends and I will still love Christmas. Amazing.

So here's to keeping (and starting) traditions.

Little Levi (our honorary male at the Soiree last year)... it's as if he's saying, "Oh my gosh, it's CHRISTMAAAS!!!"

Merry Advent!

2011-11-26T10:18:00.000-08:00

Hooray, Christmastide has arrived. I hope you had a yummy and thankful Thanksgiving. As yesterday (for me, and for the traditional world) marked the beginning of the official Christmas season, I got to thinking about how Advent is a lot like Lent. Both seasons help prepare our hearts for Jesus. During lent, we usually sacrifice a luxury to prepare our hearts for the gravity of Jesus' death and resurrection. And during Advent, we prepare our hearts for the celebration of his birth. With that thought, I'm also reminded that celebration is indeed a spiritual discipline, just as fasting is. My spirit is tuned in to what the Lord might have me practice during this season of Advent in order to prepare well for this year's celebration.

I absolutely love this time of year. I'm even beginning to love that confusing couple of weeks in November when radio stations start playing Christmas music, but Thanksgiving has not yet passed and leaves are still colorful. It's a combination of all my seasonal favorites. This looong weekend, I've enjoyed sitting around with the family, eating Thanksgiving leftovers (mental note: I must share the "recipe" for the Pink Cloud Thanksgiving Leftover Sandwich), and buying and decorating our short, fat Christmas tree... my very first independent Christmas tree purchase!

On the Merriment schedule this year, I've got:

-The second annual Sleighbell Sisters' Soiree next Sunday
-A Christmas tree lighting at school
-A hula performance at our Christmas work banquet
-A Christmas choir performance at church
-The arrival of Marianna (from England!) and Jamie... back home for the holidays, finally!
-A very light load in lieu of final exams (Thank you, Lord!)
-More Amazon shopping... the way. to. go.
-Trying to sell the end of my products from last weekend's craft boutique
-...and some sort of Advent discipline.

From now 'til Christmas, I'd like to share lesser-known verses from Christmas hymns of old. Such good stuff!

Today, I've got verse three from Good Christian Men, Rejoice Agen:
Then hither throng with festal song;
Come, old or young, come saint, or sin-beladen:
Before him fall, in oxen-stall,
That blissful Babe of Mary, mother-maiden.

Enjoy this weekend!

Apples Oh'11

2011-11-18T16:04:00.001-08:00

I started and {am finishing} a FAT research paper today. I don't know why I'm here writing... I have not much to say, but these few things I will share:

Thanksgiving is this week and I am beyond excited to be the self-designated baker for the meal. Apple pie, chocolate pecan pie, whole wheat dinner rolls...

I feel like I blog about apples all the time. Is this true? I don't know, but I did go to Oak Glen again this past week to take graduation {ahh!} pictures with my friend, Mackenzie. I don't think these are the ones I'll be sending the grandparents, but they do capture my more organic side to life.

The rain today has been perfect. I bought myself a container of Chai from Trader's and vowed that it would last me until the end of 2011. Ok?

Thanks for accepting me as I am today.

TV Junkie

2011-11-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

My lovely roommate always comments on the fact that our generation is addicted to TV (both her and I included), and I always respond: "Well I guess every generation was addicted to something. At least it's not LSD!"

True confessions: I'm addicted to three things. TV, caffeine, and sugar... as if you didn't know that, psh. In every season, I'm dealing with one of these three. I periodically give up coffee to remind myself that I am not dependent upon a substance, but rather my creator. I've been cutting back (or desperately trying, anyway) on my sugar intake for the past few months... to little avail. And TV comes and goes with good shows and busy levels in my life. Right now, there are a ton of good shows on and I'm not so overly busy that I can't take an hour or so a day to watch something great. But what am I doing justifying myself to you? Let's get on to the good stuff.

These are the shows I'm currently loving:

The Amazing Race-
It's still running strong. I like this season's contestants and though I'm a little irked that they didn't get out of Asia 'til the middle of the season, the challenges are still very inventive and culture rich. I, of course, would love to run this race some day...!

Pan Am-
Ah, Pan Am. Such a good time travel show. With it's accurate time-period setting (not to mention great outfits for the ladies), it's a show that has you both attaching yourself to the sweet characters like Laura and checking your quickening pulse as Kate accomplishes secret missions. Plus the whole world travel thing is pretty cool to witness, minus a few decades. Everyone was so excited about flight!

The Sing Off-
I don't watch it so regularly, but whenever I go home for the weekend, I find my parents have saved an episode for me on DVR. I loved the Dartmouth Aires singing Queen! Nick Lachey still needs to loosen up a bit... and Sarah Bereilles? Wonderful edition.

Parenthood-
Of course. This season has been pretty great so far, even though The Morning After says it's in danger of not progressing much further after season 3. Whatever. I am still in love with the characters, namely Jabar and his little friend Jensen, Drew, and Joel and Julia's prego birth mom Zoe. I'll admit that there are a few too many subplots to include all in one episode, leaving me bummed out when a story I expect to progress is not touched on a given week... but what I really, really love about Parenthood is the acting. Seriously, this is the best, most genuine, off-the-cuff acting I've seen in a while. It makes me feel awkward all the time, which I think is exactly the point. Brilliant.

The New Girl-
Oh, I laugh just writing the title. I can not explain to you how funny The New Girl is... Zooey Deschanel is to die for in this new role. Jess, the new, quirky, eccentric roommate to three "grown" men, stars her way through each episode. A little worldly at points, I try to focus on the character development, which I think has great potential. Last week, we really grew in appreciation for Nick as a man with feelings... hehe, not to mention a growing endearment toward Jess. I laughed and laughed and laughed and I realize I am not doing a good job at describing this show at all. You just have to check it out.

Glee-
Season 3... we've been waiting. The thing is, I will always watch Glee performances even if one day I decide the show itself is too much for me. The singing and dancing is unbeatable and it simply takes me back to my high school show choir days. Pizazz! The more-than-statistical gay agenda bothers me and so does this second glee club... what's with that? But I do love Kurt Hummel and Rachel Barry so, so. What I've really been waiting for is the debut of Samuel and Damien from this summer's Glee Project. I haven't watched the new episode with Damien yet, but I'm expecting good things.

So there you have it. My little TV world in one post. Please don't suggest any good shows to me until one of these airs its season finale... I'll be looking for something good come spring time!

Another Big November

2011-11-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

I love doing this (arrow pointing left)...

I love a new month, new weather, more freedom to start celebrating Christmas early...

But I'm tired. And I'm apparently lamenting. In a class the other day, we were asked to sit and write a lament. I didn't think it was in me; all that sadness... but I somehow found lament and penned it quite accurately. It was satisfying in the strangest of ways. Here's an excerpt:

"There is nothing left to ponder.
It is over.
And you're still in God's hands.
But will those very same hands accept my poor, wretched gift of fear?
Because fear is all I have to offer.
I am afraid and totally unwilling to ever experience something like that ever again.
And He should know!
For He is the one who allowed my black past to sit still in my heart for so long.
Ah, there is not closure.
There is so much wrestling ahead.
Mercy, I plead, more mercy."

I find my words weird because it's not like I go around feeling like this every day. {And if you know me, don't over-analyze the above excerpt because it's not about any one event and I can't even put it all together myself... just some good, solid heart leakage.} But lamenting is important; I think I'm getting that.

Like I said, I'm very tired. Feeling lame about my state and wondering if I really needed to take it so slow, I laid down yesterday for my daily nap, telling myself, "You don't need this today", and ended up sleeping for an hour. So I guess I did. My body is hungry for health... it's hungry to be free of medication, yet it knows it needs it. This is all a complex way of saying yeah, I'm going off of some meds and am experiencing withdrawals. It's a lot more taxing than I wanted it to be. It's very, very hard, but I'm so glad I'm taking this journey.

Tired or satisfied; lamenting or not, it's something that needs to be done. I'm just praising the Lord that I can see what his hand has done over the past couple years of my life. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually... November is a big month for me. This isn't a desolate place; not even necessarily a dry place. It's just a weary, focused, quiet place. And it's a place that knows the deeply established joy of the Lord as strength.

Thoughts on Sabbath

2011-10-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

In recently coming out of a Bible conference designed around the theme of Sabbathing, I've been contemplating what Sabbath looks like in my life. A couple of years ago, I decided to try practicing the Sabbath every Sunday. I would make sure my homework was done the night before, go to church, possibly attend a Bible study, return to campus and... cry.

Huh?

Sundays were the hardest days of the week for me. I felt so alone and so restricted to not working. I remember one such Sunday where I came to a breaking point. It was in my days as an RA...

I had gone to church and sat by myself because I didn't really have friends at church. {By the way, in my journey to church, I rode the elevator down since it was Sunday and I didn't like taking the stairs (despite what I would try to tell myself on the other 6 days)}. I returned to campus, ate at the caf... had my usual Sunday brunch (tradition makes me happy). On the brink of tears, I walked back to my dorm room. "Why the heck can't I get happy on Sundays?" There were too many people around me at church, yet nobody said hello. I couldn't find a single person to sit with at lunch even though I was the RA; the floor leader... and then it happened. I was making some coffee and walking to the lounge with my favorite mug, when it slipped from my hands and shattered into bitty pieces. I lost it; my composure was completely out the window at that moment. I cried out of frustration and anger and sadness. My favorite mug. On a Sunday. When I was just trying to do the right thing. My sweet friend, Brittany found me in the hallway crying over that metaphoric spilled milk and offered a hug. Then she brought over some superglue and helped me glue the mug back together (it later became that pencil holder up there).

"Brittany, why are Sundays so hard? Why is resting and not doing anything and trying to channel the Lord so lonely and depressing?" She didn't necessarily have an answer for me, but she was there. She and Marianna... my two go-to sisters of the year. Still love them with that whole big chunk of my heart, set aside just for loving special people.

So I didn't get the Sabbath. And for whatever reason, I didn't get how spending more time with God on Sundays was gonna make Sabbath run more smoothly. So I increased my amount of "healthy distraction" activity and decided Sundays were not the end-all standard for a day of rest.

God has now taught me how to make weekend mornings into "the" Sabbath. From Sunday-Thursday, my day starts at 8:00 (meaning I'm up much earlier)... so on Friday and Saturday mornings, I sit with some form of warm beverage, and soak in his Word. I usually do something with my creative energy too. I create a new recipe, make Christmas gifts, wash dishes in that weirdo method of mine that only makes sense on slow mornings. When I am quietly putsing around my home on those mornings, I feel God with me. I know he is communing with the most intimate parts of my soul that love to rest, create, and enjoy.

I'm all about the Sabbath. But I'm also all about doing whatever makes sense for you. What God really cares about is the heart... and my heart is happy in his presence on a slow, purposeful morning. Thanks Jesus for that personable, firm, sweet grace of yours.

Thursday Threads IV (Finale!)

2011-10-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

This week's outfit is in honor of Food Day! I bought an official Food Day shirt online because (drum roll, please...) it was made in America! Yippee!

Shirt: American Apparel
Jeans: had-'em-forever, Old Navies (not American, I'm sure)
Shoes: birthday gift (I'm so glad converse will never go out)
Ring: Target

Want to know all the things I ate on Food Day? ...Oh wow, it was a good day. Ok:
Oatmeal, coffee with real cream and sugar, a PB cupcake (!), chicken masala, breakfast strada, pumpkin pancakes, and a few bites of a bacon weave breakfast burrito (yes, I really participated in that... what a story).

Happy threads and happy eats to you!

FOOD DAY 2011

2011-10-24T17:48:00.001-07:00

Well folks, I don't have a whole lot to say about this. Food Day is a new national holiday that will be celebrated on October 24th every year. It's something I absolutely stand for and you can bet I'm eating good food today.

Check out the website and make your voice known on sustainable food laws in America!

http://foodday.org/

$ and Stuff

2011-10-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

Money makes the world go 'round...

No it doesn't.

But then again, our sick world does so often come back to money. I find the (figurative) place in which I live to be bizarre, for I am not poor. I'm at the top 2% of the world. However, I'm not rich. How can I be rich when there's absolutely nothing in my bank account? Americans may look at me and say "poor", while Africans would look at me and definitely say "wealthy". I struggle to fill in that hole of dissonance.

This week I overdrew my bank account for the first time. It was a complete accident and actually happened as a result of a fee I did not know I was being charged (that's another thing... "you can keep a minimum balance of $5,000, or we'll charge you a $10 monthly fee" Why? I don't have enough money for your standards so you're gonna take some of the money I do have? Ugh, I just do not understand)... Sorry. Back to the deep lesson I'm drawing from this mundane occurrence (which did not feel at all mundane at the time, let it be said).

I'm praising God that I got paid yesterday and that the overdraw was minor. But then I prayed this funny little pray yesterday morning. Would you like to see?

"Thank you for my pay check today. Please help me to be careful with spending this money. Please provide for me... through Mom and Dad? I'd really love to be able to pay them my monthly due, but I can't do it without their help. Ha! It's like that time you showed me how I can't give you gifts without your help... keeps me humble."

Yes, I was reminded of this beautiful picture the Lord gave me about a year ago. I was sitting outside on a crisp November morning with a dirty chai (still the best hot bev in the world), closed my eyes, and saw myself dancing with a giant gift. It was wrapped in blue with a pretty Martha Steward ribbon 'round the top. The girl dancing was Young Christine, and she was full of joy; empty of concern. I asked God what this picture might mean, thought on it throughout the day and realized a probable interpretation:

I have a great desire in my heart to give gifts to the Lord. To serve him, to bring him joy, to give him glory. But I can not do this without first accepting the gifts he has given me: salvation, adoption, empathy, hospitality, nurture. This concept is childlike, in the best sense of the word. It's as if I'm saying, "Daddy, can I have some money so I can buy you a Christmas present?" It's what I did as a child with my parents. It's apparently still what I do as an adult with my parents. It's what I do with God... and he loves it. Glory can not be given to him without his power at work. He is ultimate: King, provider, gift-giver, glory-maker. Hallelujah.

Thursday Threads III

2011-10-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

A classic culture-flexible outfit this week.

It covers the knees, it covers the shoulders, it's still cool... basically my standard for traveling to any conservative country in the summer time. But oh yeah, it's fall. Well! I'm happy to report that today we are entirely enjoying our marine layer and we'll call it autumn for as long as we can get away with.

Back to the threads.

Skirt: thrifted, $5!
Birkenstocks: from Germany, made by Germans (I'm assuming and hoping), but bought by me on Amazon for over 50% off!
Necklace: made it myself.

So there's another comfy social justice lovin' outfit for y'all. Only one more week in the threads series and I'm gonna try to go out with a bang! Leave a comment if you've got any great ideas for a November series.

Grateful.

2011-10-17T07:14:00.000-07:00

This morning I'm grateful for a strange thing: independence. Not the, "Yay! I feel so free and I can do whatever I want!" kind of independence, though there are days I totally bask in that. But today I'm grateful for the, "It's just me and Jesus right now" kind of independence.

Though I LOVE children and long for the day when I can hold my own baby in my arms, I'm so grateful that it's not now. I'm blessed to have woken up at 6:00 this morning for the sake of getting a head start on my day, rather than my child's. I'm hoping this doesn't sound at all harsh or arrogant because I really, truly respect and look forward to motherhood... I'm just so glad it's not today.

I wake up, I think about the meals I need to eat on a given day, I put just enough water in the tea kettle for one, I get myself out the door and I don't interact with anyone for a good hour. I like being alone in the mornings. I definitely want to be married in this life, but I may just have to work out some kind of a quiet morning agreement with my husband... or maybe I'm just supposed to enjoy this season and let the next one come as it may.

I then go to work, attend classes, decide how I want to do homework that day, make myself a meal, and maybe maybe have a meaningful conversation with a friend. Depends if I work up the gumption to make a phone call. I spend time with the Lord, I take a nap (note: part of the daily routine), and I choose some form of entertainment for the night... Gilmore Girls, crafting, bubble bath, Hulu...

Agh, this isn't coming out at all how I'd intended. This may sound to you like I'm a lazy bum who's saying, "Well thank God I don't have a care in the world!" No, no, no. I recognize the privileged spot from which I stand. And this spot has trials of its own, like loneliness, financial instability, and future-related anxieties. But today, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that there is no one to report to unless I want to do the reporting. In which case, I'll probably call my mama and tell her about how awful it is to have a chest cold...

And for all you mamas, thank you for

doing what you're doing,

caring for those kiddos,

and reminding me that I better enjoy that nap 'cause it won't be long before I have to give up "independent" pleasures for the sake of my family. I think I get it.

Thursday Threads II

2011-10-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

This week's outfit comes to you from... again, the mum's closet. Yup. I put together a fall-esque ensemble to celebrate last week's weather (!!!). {May I now mention that it's been in the '90s and '100s?? Last night, 95 degrees at 8:00pm. In October. What?!}

The jeans and orange tank come from my sister. Thanks for those, sis.
The aqua shirt comes from mom.
The striped belt comes from my sis-in-law.
The shoes-I bought them (...shoes will always be my own. I've got tiny feet, so my mom and sis have finally found a dead-end area with handing-down)
The necklace-gift for my 18th birthday... sweet memory.
The jacket-?? Wow, I actually think this jacket is from my high school days. As in: the high school days when I still wasn't paying for my own clothes. Cool!

In summary: 4 inherited items, 2 "gifts", 1 purchase (sorry, I'm not sure where the shoes were made... I've had them for quite some time)

And since I'm so not trying to make myHandH a fashion blog, I thought I'd point out what a secret nerd I am:

Yup, did that...and that.

Thursday Threads Part I

2011-10-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

I love me a good blog series! That's why I'm going to do a four week "Thursday Threads" of October series! Inspired by my bloggy friend Megan at SotraCrunchy, I think it's fun to challenge myself as a creative unit and to try writing about something new. Plus, I love taking advantage of a platform opportunity and I can use this series as a mild social justice platform.

I say mild only because I have not yet completely changed my shopping habits, but I sure am in the process of trying to buy all American or second-hand/thrift clothing. It just really bothers me that a large store can sell at $4 T-shirt... my logic tells me the only way a store can sell that is if they're getting all the profit. And then I look at the label and read "Made in India", or "Made in the Philippines"...lots and lots of countries are making our clothes. The horrific stories and reports of sweat shops tug at my heart and say, "There's got to be a better way". So! I'm trying... I'm taking baby steps and saving up money for American pieces (oh yeah, if you didn't quite catch why I'm trying to buy American, it's because if a product was made in America, at least I know the people making the product are being treated "fairly" by American laws... at least, I hope). But believe me: I'm not perfect in this endeavor. In fact, I just bought a pair of $1 Halloween socks and as I typed the beginning of this paragraph thought, "... Yeah, wonder who made those..." Is everyone catching my drift? Feeling my attitude? I've just become a lot more aware of sketchy human labor and I want to learn more and do what I can to live justly in this world.

...On to the fun stuff!

So here is my Thursday Threads outfit for week #1 of October. The leggings, dress, and vest all come from... my mother's closet! Yes, I'm serious. Somehow, I've been inheriting a lot of clothing from my mom. She likes to buy cute things and then decides they're too young for her, so passes them on to me. Hey, I'm not complaining! I don't know where these fun things were made, but I do know that I technically got them second-hand, so at least we're reusing! All very cotton and stretchy. The boots come from Target. They were my big investment of the season ($35 at full price). They're US Patent, so I believe they were made in America...is that right? Anyone? Bracelets: gifts; 1 from my sister, 2 from some long-ago birthday, I believe. I love layering and I love wearing neutrals with neutrals! Who says you can't put black and brown together?? I highly disagree.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Questions Asked of Me Today

2011-10-02T21:35:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking of how interesting it is that we're asked questions on a daily basis. Whether mundane or profound, questions play a key role in the direction of a conversation, interaction, mood... Here are some questions that were asked of me today:

"Do you want ice in your water?"

"How was the apple orchard?"

"So how is your soul?"

"Do you need to take anything else off the bill?"

"How can I be praying for you?"

"Why are you scraping the stuff off your pizza and putting the naked crust back?"

"Why are you eating pizza toppings on top of whole wheat toast??"

"How's school going?"

"Are you leaving already?"

"Why are there so many apples in the kitchen?"

"How do you say 'I'm learning Spanish' in Spanish?"

"How do you make applesauce?"

...and just a little free bonus:

Doesn't it look like the little guy has a question he wants to ask? Miss him.

Apples and Perseverance...

2011-09-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

Whew! I need a break.

Good thing we're going to the apple orchard tomorrow! That's right, my family (part of my family, at least) and I will head up to our favorite California apple orchard tomorrow morning, where we will sample apples and apple cider, hike and picnic in the mountains, shop for antiques, watch cider being made, and buy the most decadent caramel apples for the car ride home. Pure joy! ...other than the fact that it's supposed to be 85 degrees tomorrow. I will try with all my might to be thankful for the sunshine. [And you can bet I'll be praying with the rest of my might for a sudden change in weather... which would ideally bring us a chilly autumn day up on the mountain!]

I practiced Lectio Divina today. I believe it's the first time I've done this on my own. Lectio Divina is an ancient spiritual discipline in which the contemplator (me) sits with a short passage or single verse for a good while... I sat for about 25 or 30 minutes and contemplated Psalm 42:7.

"Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me."

And I realized that my sense of perseverance is lacking. Sitting quietly in contemplatio was a challenge... thinking about what this passage says to my current life's stance of "overwhelmed"... looking at the beginning of my long senior thesis, thinking, "I don't know how to start"... confessing last night the number of hours I've spent watching TV this week, rather than studying (books, classes, the Word, etc.).

Guilt-trip or not, perseverance is something that is difficult for me right now. With that said, I'm glad to be aware. I'm glad that I have a studious history so I know my capabilities. I'm glad I've mapped out a study plan for the coming week of madness. And I am SO glad that tomorrow, for a few hours, all I have to think about are apples...

Apartment Pictures... Finally!

2011-09-25T12:43:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a satisfying cleanse-the-everything kind of time. The Lord has been so gracious to me and my sensitive heart and he's given me reasons to rejoice! Like fall, for instance. Happy official autumn season, everyone! On top of feeling cleansed on the inside, I did some mad cleaning in the apartment and we've now got a fresh-smelling, bright and shiny place on our hands. Here are the pictures I've been meaning to post since August!

Front door... welcome!

Kitchen, angle 1

...angle 2

Living room, angle 1

and angle 2 (my workspace).

Our itty bitty bathroom... I stood behind the door to take this shot and all I could get was the shower curtain! Well hey, I like my shower curtain.

And lastly, my side of the bedroom. Just think "Sleepin' in an Autumn Wonderland".

Heart Words

2011-09-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

These are thoughts that only close ones will recognize, and only Jesus will fully understand. This is where I am and, though I feel the pressure to be positive, I want to let some honestly leak out. And in all honesty, there's nothing positive about my current disposition. Positive will come back... but she's on an untimely vacation right now.

A scar, a tan line, a wandering heart...

The scar tells me this experience will stay with me forever.

The tan line on my arm... the one I look at when I stick my hand out the window during my Biola Ave. "getaway song" ritual...tells me it's still in the recent past... and there is nothing I can do to quicken the whole time thing.

My wandering heart? Well, it just is. So much of my heart is not here right now. Not in California. Not in the ugly sunny days of September. I love living with roommates who can just be roommates and (not necessarily) anything more. But I can go a whole week without speaking to a true friend about true things if I don't try. But I do try because I know it's good.

I wonder how long I will be in this fog... I suppose I prefer a fog over a rain storm.

I promise I'll say thank you later.

Morning Haikus

2011-09-13T07:19:00.000-07:00

Here in your presence
I awake to the candle.
Sweet, "Nichole, wake up!"

I long for autumn...
For the crunching leaves and cold,
For apple cider.

The long day ahead
I cannot face without you
Go before me, Lord.

Africa, oh child,
England, Turkey, Tennessee.
So far away now.

As dark turns to light
I think about my strength class.
Humdrum and glory.

Close ups

2011-09-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

I very much wanted to get the apartment all clean, do a full photo session, and present the home to my HandH this weekend... but that did not happen by Friday afternoon when I had to leave for a weekend retreat. SO, before I left, I snapped a few close ups of some of my favorite things around the apartment. Maybe next week you all will get the grand tour.First picture: Yellow, red, and green on the kitchen table. This sets up the colors and vintagey feel of la cocina.

Our sink has a leak... I don't like this. But it does give our kitchen personality and we've discovered a way to turn the sink off ever so gently to stop the dripping for a bit.

Sugar in the raw! Yeah, baby.

My shelf in the pantry. It always makes me happy to go grocery shopping and fill this little space to the brim. Thank you, Lord!

Little owls... hangin' out in surprise places.

The turtles. It's fascinating and comforting to have live beings around when I'm all alone. Weird?...

Our little pins in all the cool places. Notice the teensie white pins in Kenya and Turkey...mine, mine!!

Senior semester #1... in numbers.

2011-08-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

4 girls in a 2-bedroom apartment.

15 units, 15 hours of work per week.

115 cups of coffee... at least.

1,879...7,090...5,995...5,441: the number of miles between me and my long-distance loved ones.

2014: the year by which I hope to have college loans paid off!

0.5 mile: my walk to and from campus

30 papers to write... give or take (probably give).

10:00pm... my anticipated bed time for life.

6:00am...my anticipated "arise" time... for now.

55 pins tacked onto our living room's world map.

1: God... he's my sole, significant audience.

What could I make with... ?

2011-08-27T18:14:00.001-07:00

Let's play a little game.

Or rather, let's have you watch me play a little game.

How many different meals could I make with the food in my house RIGHT NOW?? Both the pantry and refrigerator are pretty well-stocked and I need some creative ideas... think, think, think.

Pasta! Lots of whole wheat pasta on hand...pasta with red sauce, another pasta with olive oil, parmesan cheese, and grilled tomatoes, vegetarian curry rice with green beans and yogurt on the side, pancakes, cinnamon bread...wait.

Let's narrow this down to just dinners because I could bake anything with what I've got around, really. Ok, resume.

Teriyaki chicken salad, creamy potato and cheese soup, twice baked potatoes, garlic mashed potatoes (lots of potatoes), tuna salad sandwiches, tuna and noodle casserole (gross, but I could make it), hummus and lettuce wraps, stuffed quesadillas, omelets and toast, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (boring...), tuna melts, lentils with curry sauce, spanish rice.

16 dishes... not bad for my pint-sized pantry. Now I just need to actually use these ideas...

The Last First Day

2011-08-24T12:43:00.000-07:00

Today I started my senior year of college... I could talk about first day traditions from elementary school, or I could talk about how I can't afford a new first day of school outfit (whatever, I'm fine with it), but I think I want to talk about breakfast.

Yes.

I feel like the blog world is really missing out on the excitement of my new apartment, but my camera is broken! So I will take pictures soon, post them, and talk about one of my very favorite subjects: homemaking. However, what I CAN share today is something I've been really enjoying since moving in. Yes, breakfast!

I've switched over to (mostly) whole wheat and organic sugars in my diet... and it's only made breakfast more delicious. I also got a french press for my birthday and I love the texture of this new coffee experience. My typical breakfast this past week has been: a warm banana bran muffin, plain yogurt with honey, and a cup of coffee with homemade creamer.

My creamer recipe? Sure I'd love to give it to you.
1/4 cup blue agave nectar
1 T vanilla
1 cup organic half & half
splash of water
Combine nectar, water (seriously, just a little splash), and vanilla. Mix and heat in the microwave for 30 seconds. Add half & half and stir. Store in a liquid-friendly/pourable container.

I eat in the corner chair of our sunny kitchen. I prefer to use a coordinating plate, bowl, and mug to off-set the extremely collegiate feel of our mix-matched collection of dishes. This morning I ate with Jesus Calling and the book of Psalms...I communed with the Lord. I think that breakfast is not only the most important meal of the day, but also the most life-giving and soul-nourishing (for me, at least). Now I realize my love for quiet breakfasts can only last for so long since I do want to be a wife and mother one day. But for now, I'm embracing it. I'm embracing the fact that I'm the early bird of the apartment. And though I did enjoy my first class of the semester: Theories of Personality, I think I'm gonna say that my favorite part of this last first day was breakfast.

Thank you, Jesus.

Pardon Me

2011-08-20T17:55:00.000-07:00

There is so much going on in my life at the moment... good things, most of them.

I've been on a bit of a writing hiatus, as you may have noticed. I've just lost some of my gumption and energy. And when I say I've lost my energy, I really really mean that.

Last week, I started going to this wonderful doctor. She's a "natural path" chiropractor (that's what I'm calling her at least) and she made me feel so pardoned. You may be thinking, "odd word-choice there", but pardoned is exactly what I've needed to feel all throughout 2011. I just didn't know that's what I've been needing.

You see, I seriously struggle with my energy level. In the (recent and far) past, I would state possible reasons to people whenever I felt guilty or embarrassed for having to sit or lie down at a time when energy should have been flowing (like at Disneyland!). "My blood sugar is low." "My immune system is weakened." Well, as it turns out, these things are true. But I learned how very much it makes sense that I was constantly tired!

My doctor did a thorough check of all my systems: adrenal, endocrine, digestive, etc. & etc...I have strep in my system from when I was little, my adrenal glands are shot because of stress, I am mineral-deficient...and a load of other things.

What's wrong with me, though, is not really my focus. Remember my word: pardoned. I say "pardon me" a lot... but I think it and feel it a lot too.

I can't sit in this chair one more moment without falling asleep. "Pardon me."

I have to get home to rest. "Pardon me."

I'm so hungry I could eat my own arm. "Pardon me."

The greatest pardon I have ever received in life comes from my Lord Jesus. God the Father has pardoned me and my sins because of Jesus' sacrifice. That beautiful picture has been mirrored to other areas of my life this week as I realize that my not feeling well is genuinely justifiable. My numerously uttered concerns have not all been complaints; they were legitimate.

Justifiable, legitimate, pardoned.

It all comes down to being truly, truly understood.

So I moved into my new apartment this week (Yay!) and one of the first things I did was turn on the AC, plop down on the couch, and rest. Oh that's so not me! I flutter around, opening kitchen cabinets, exclaiming, "oh what a lovely window!", and admiring the '70s trim inside... and I did do that. But directly after, I plopped.

So is it my new home because I fluttered and got excited and am now starting to decorate? Or is it my new home because I was beyond tired, in pain, and needed to lie down? I don't know. But it doesn't matter... because I am pardoned. And that feels good.

What 20 Was

2011-08-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

Twice a year, I take time to reflect on my life. Really reflect. I do it on New Year's Day and on my birthday.

On New Year's Day, I read through my entire journal from the year before. This can literally take hours because my pen takes to paper on a daily basis. It's a really neat way to start my year... I can read with a sense of retrospect, sort of knowing what will come next. Then again, there are little things I completely forget about that come to mind... making me smile, causing me to shed a tear, helping me to make an awesome connection...

And on my birthday, I come up with words to describe my past year. Today I'm happy to be celebrating my 21st birthday, so I made a "20 words that were 20" list. I can think of no way to explain this list to you without simply...well, listing it. So here is my (slightly edited, hehe) "20 words that were 20" list:

1. Levi! Havin' this boy in my life has been awesome. I got to see his little face this morning and he did his new "shrug your shoulders" bit for me.

2. Spiritual growth. From taking Theology I first semester and Theo II second semester, to attending a very theologically different conference in January, to putting Theology to practice this summer... see a theme?

3. Anxiety. Not a word I want to see in my list of "21 words that were 21".

4. Goodbyes. Saying goodbye to my brother and his family in February...saying goodbye to new friends in Turkey...saying the goodbye to Jamie that so annoyingly comes twice a year...

5. Apartment! My first independent home. I am thrilled to be moving into apartment #2 this weekend!

6. Cooking. I learned what I like to stock up on in my pantry... invented a few new recipes, and fed my hungry roommates on more than one occasion.

7. Grace. Oh, His abounding grace... I experienced it in entirely new ways this year. God is so good. And his people; oh he makes them so good too!

8. Naps. Though taking a nap is great, this word is a little hard for me to reflect upon... naps have been needed this year. They are now, and very well may be part of my daily life for a long while. But then again, grace. Ahh.

9. Tattoo. Sorry myHandH readers, I forgot (well, didn't forget, but...) to tell you I got a tattoo! It's a little heart on my ankle, and well, it happened this year!

10. Assertiveness. Decision-making is becoming an ever increasing part of normal life.

11. Family. For 6 sweet months, all 8 of us did stuff together on a weekly basis.

12. Alone time. I broke away a number of times for quiet Sundays, weekends, single hours...

13. Commuting. Oh, never again, please Lord. Though I'm grateful to have Shamu as my faithful minivan, I got to know him a little too well this year.

14. Cohort group. For some reason, my Theology cohort group stands out in year 20. Maybe because we met at 7am every week? That sure makes for a memorable discussion time.

15. Long Tuesdays. Marathon Tuesdays is what I called them sometimes. 5 classes in one day; 7am-9pm nonstop. Yikes!

16. Soiree. The Sleigh bell Sisters' Soiree at Christmas time, that is!

17. Turkey #2. An experience filled with culture, service-opportunities, and character-building challenges.

18. Trials and growth. Again, please refer to #7. God is so good!

19. Summer with Jamie. Daycations!

20. New friends. New friends that sometimes cause me to think about my future in a whole new way... lovely.

Something on Your Mind?

2011-08-01T17:35:00.000-07:00

I read an article today about writing (sorry, don't know WHERE). In it, the author suggested writing about something that's been on your mind incessantly.

Well, I can't say this has been an absolute, constant thought, but I've been thinking a lot about my joints. Like the joints in my body... neck, back, knees, ankles, fingers, wrists, collarbone, elbows (yeah)...

I don't know if I've ever written about my most favorite disease: scoliosis. I'm actually not being sarcastic. It is my favorite disease and I have it. It's not that I enjoy having scoliosis. No! But of all diseases, it's pretty easy to manage (mine is mild, I must say... because some folks with major cases of scoliosis would bite my head off right now). It's more like a "never have I ever" or "2 truths and a lie" fact about myself.

However, I've been thinking about my joints a lot because they hurt. In the morning, my body sounds like a popcorn machine. And while I relish in a good neck pop every so often, I wish... oh, I don't know, I wish IT ALL DIDN'T HURT SO MUCH.

I'm second-guessing this article from which I've taken direction. I don't know that writing about what's been on my mind is very fun... I usually use writing to escape my mind. Ha! Well, not to escape it, exactly, but writing is certainly a holiday-like experience for me.

Back to it. Here are the things I've done in the past to help with these joint issues, all associated with my scoliosis (self-diagnosed correlation, by the way). I've had X-rays done, been prescribed anti-inflammatories and allergy meds (why?), gone to physical therapy, gone to the chiropractor, done exercises (inconsistently, cough), gotten massages, gotten acupressure...

And when it comes down to it, I have prayed a lot. I mean, this is something that I do end up thinking about every day because it's always there. But I really am not trying to complain. In fact, I'm just trying to become a better writer. Humph, I'm frustrated.

Ok, ok, where's my closure? I look forward to the day when we will run and jump and skip in heaven with NO pain. Not to mention no tears, no sadness, no weakness, no exhaustion... oh Maranatha, come Lord Jesus!

[Sorry for the gross, boring image... had nothing else.]

ZucCarroNana Muffins

2011-07-30T08:29:00.001-07:00

I've been reading about BlogHer 11, taking place in San Diego next weekend... and I want to go! I won't be going because I don't have the money or the real need to attend such a conference, but it sounds SO cool. And from reading all about it, I'm inspired to write something simply brilliant!

But alas, I baked zucchini muffins this morning and I'm going to share my (self-formulated!) recipe with you. Snooze? I hope not.

Tasty, tasty ZucCarroNana muffins:

2.5 c flour
1 c brown sugar
1 c sugar
2 t baking soda
1 t salt
2 t pumpkin pie spice (or 1 t cinnamon, 1 t nutmeg)
1.5 c grated zucchini
.5 c grated carrot
Half banana, mashed
.5 c milk
.5 c oil
1 t vanilla

Mix it up (I'm really not particular about doing the whole wet, dry separate thing but...), place in lined muffin tins and bake for 20 minutes at 375 degrees Fahrenheit.

...I wish I had a picture and a scent function, but my camera is broken, and the later hope would require a severe stretch of technology.

Enjoy!

Homegrown, a poem

2011-07-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

I am from the noodle shop, from Kirkland products and Friday night football games.

I am from the blue house, up there near the top of the hill. Peaceful, distinct, warm.

I am from the apricot tree, hydrangeas, and backyard waterfall, the patchy grass, fat roses, and vegetable garden.

I am from bacon on Christmas morning and loud sneezes, from Evelyn and Louise and Dora.

I am from the proper hostess and never-disruptive guest.

From "bread and butter" and "be a lady".

I am from every single Sunday at church. "You'll thank us one day", and I did.

I'm from America... Ireland, Germany, Perogies, and Oliebollen.

From something in a bottle that smells good, the repeated stories, and the reusable paper plates.

I am from the red brick hearth, the old duffel bags, and the musty attic.

From habits of regular picture-taking, summer camping trips, and frugality.

Homegrown.

Poem template taken from http://www.swva.net/fred1st/wif.htm
.

My Country "Bucket List"

2011-07-24T09:43:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm making my list... the official list of countries I want to visit before I leave this earth. And you know what? I feel that if I don't make it to all of them, I'll be able to travel all I want on the new earth (Isaiah 65:17). Well, who am I to say what the new earth will look like, but I do hope that travel is a part of my life for eternity.

To start off, I've been to: America (duh), Canada, Mexico, Kenya, and Turkey.

And here is my list!

1. Italy

2. Greece

3. England

4. Morocco

5. Spain

6. New Zealand or Australia

7. India or China

8. Chile or Argentina

9. The Netherlands

10. Ireland

11. Denmark

12. Ukraine

13. Germany

I want to visit numbers 1-8 because... just because these are countries that fascinate me! Italy and Greece have always been on my life list, but I also want a well-rounded view of the world and would like to hit each continent (except maybe Antarctica)

Numbers 9-13 are there because I want to go to all the countries my ancestors are from. That's right, I'm Dutch, Irish, Danish, Ukranian, and German... (woof woof!).

Here's to an inspiring Sunday!

No me gusta.

2011-07-20T22:39:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to do a whole post on things I don't like...but the only time I think of actually writing that list out is when I'm already in the world's worst mood. So I thought, "Hey tonight I seem to be in a pretty good mood. Why don't I think about stuff I don't like!" I know, a little illogical, but I try.

You can learn a lot about someone by knowing what they like... but by knowing what they don't like, do you think you can learn more? I wonder. Maybe I'll start asking people what they do not prefer when I meet them. No, that would scare them off and I have already been called "refreshingly candid" in my life...which could be a euphemism for "strange and blunt".

Just kidding. The friend who called me refreshingly candid really meant it and I was flattered. So! With that candid spark lit, I'm going to share with you: una lista de cosas que no me gustan.

1. Styrofoam. Absolutely horrible for the environment and it feels really unnatural.

2. Black licorice. They say men have more of a natural inclination toward this flavor? Well, I'm not a man, that's for sure.

3. Swear words combined with improper grammar. Though I don't use foul language for the most part, I'm still a believer in the "a time and a place" theory when it comes to strong words. But it is never the right time or place when you can't even use your swear word in its proper part of speech. People, there's a difference between a verb and an adjective.

4. Certain genres of music: smooth jazz, screamo, soft rock, womanizing rap...

5. Hair in the shower drain. Gag.

6. Ayran. If you haven't heard of it, look it up... believe me, it does not taste like milk (though it looks quite like it).

7. Texting during a face-to-face conversation. If you must reply, could you please say, "excuse me"?

8. Nightlife. I know that's really general and no, I don't despise night in general. I just am not the girl you'd usually find in a noisy club dancing the night away... I'm good for about 5 dances max and then I'm done. Really done.

9. Sad movies. Though sometimes I crave a good, cathartic cry, I can not usually handle them.

10. Rude customers. "Sir, I'm just doing my job. You realize this was not my personal decision, don't you?"

11. A tacky color combination. For instance, fuchsia and black...it was cool in the '80s and then again in 8th grade for like 6 months. No longer.

Wow! I think I should stop while I'm ahead, but good news: I am not in a bad mood from making that list. It was actually quite helpful to articulate some of those things that just irk me; even some things that I simply don't prefer. You should try it sometime. Digame, porfavor, las cosas que no te gustan.

Prodigal!

2011-07-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love the parable in Luke 15 about the prodigal son. I need it. If you're unfamiliar with this story, it's truly worth a read. This story has been emerging a lot in my life over the past couple of months. I love that we can see the Father's heart for reconciliation...and the fact that Jesus, the one who makes real reconciliation possible, is telling the story, makes it really whole and settling for me. Verse 20 is the one that I'm sure will bring me to tears more than once in my life.

"So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."

This speaks to me so deeply. As a woman, and as...Christine, God has given me a great appreciation for physical touch. Anyone who knows me well understands this because, as odd as it may sound, they've been (literally) touched by me. I long for the day when I can wrap my arms around my Heavenly Father's neck and express my love to him in that way. To just hear about the father in this story, who most certainly represents our God, giving his son a hug of desperate relief and kissing him with that fatherly love...oh wow. I may just be at a loss for words.

I've been reading The Practice of the Presence of God, the letters and conversations of Brother Lawrence...or as I more endearingly call him, Bro Low. It's a great little read that has actually taken me some time to get through (seriously, it's like under 100 pages, people). I didn't know what my opinion of this man was at first...I kept thinking to myself, "If Brother Lawrence was around today, I don't know that I'd connect well with him. I mean he is really, really obsessed with God!" That sounds awful, no? Well, my heart has been a bit softened since and the other day, I was just struck by the following passage:

I consider myself as the most wretched of men, full of sores and corruption, and who has committed all sorts of crimes against his King. Touched with a sensible regret, I confess to him all my wickedness, I ask His forgiveness, I abandon myself in His hands that He may do what he pleases with me. The King, full of mercy and goodness, very far from chastising me, embraces me with love, makes me eat at His table, serves me with His own hands, gives me the key of His treasures; He converses and delights Himself with me incessantly, in a thousand and a thousand ways, and treats me in all respects as His favorite. It is thus I consider myself from time to time in His holy presence.
-Second Letter, pg. 37

Wow, Bro Low... I'm sorry, I do want to be your friend.

I hear lots of Prodigal in that statement! There's no other commentary I can give that passage that would enhance it more, so I'll move on to my last piece of...media, I guess I'll call it. My last piece that relates directly (in my opinion) to the story of the prodigal son.

Mumford & Sons "Roll Away Your Stone" is a song that has moved me quite frequently in this season of life. I must, first, thank my friend Marianna for introducing me to these boys...and then I must say that I can't be certain my interpretation of the song is correct. In fact, I just read parts of a forum on the song and many people are at a loss.

But when I hear the following verse... I just think Jesus.

Stars hide your fires,
for these here are my desires
and I won't give them up to you this time around
and so, I’ll be found with my steak stuck in this ground
marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

I know it's a stretch, but my first thought when I heard this bridge was "Prodigal!" Stars (shiny, sinful lusts that draw them in) hide your fires. For these here (these kidos, these ones!) are my desires and I won't give them up to you this time around. And so, I'll be found with my steak stuck in this ground (running and hugging and kissing and ring-putting...I'm SET on it!) marking the territory of this newly impassioned (forgiven) soul!

Forgive my jumpy thoughts, but isn't this good stuff?! I have no conclusion to wrap this up neatly... so I'll leave you with a link to yet ANOTHER Prodigal piece. Thanks for reading.

link!

Introversion.

2011-07-16T19:46:00.000-07:00

I love introducing people to the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, or MBTI. If you haven't ever heard of it, look it up! In fact, at Olive Grove this summer I helped teach an elective in which I got to administer a version of the MBTI to teenage girls. Whenever someone is taking this test for the first time...or for that matter, whenever a discussion about the difference between introversion and extroversion comes up, I have a little disclaimer:

All extroverts need quiet time and all introverts need people.

It's true! I am a newbie introvert. By this I mean that as a child, I was an extrovert...until about the age of 15 or so, actually, I derived my greatest portions of energy from being around people. But ever since the early years of high school, I've been much more of an introvert. I now need quiet time to think and I need space to be independent. I love that quiet time and space! I always joke with people that I spend at least 2 weeks of every summer all by myself in the house and love it. This is because I'm a "grown up" and my parents now vacation alone. I'm ok with that.

And right now, I'm in that season. I do love it, but I wasn't expecting the 2 week solitude bit to be a part of summer 2011. I've had some crazy moments. Don't get me wrong...by crazy, I just mean "I'm gonna GO crazy! I need to cook, ride a bike, organize something!" So at least I have been productive.

And this is my conflict. I am an introvert and love being one, but I need people! I haven't been totally isolated (I've stayed at Laura's a lot!)...but my mom and dad arrive home tomorrow and I can honestly say I'm excited to be living with people again.

...I wonder if there's a title for introverts like me who need that "leave me alone-I want to go to bed" time, yet can enjoy being outgoing and bold when needed...but only for about 2 hours (and then I crash). Title? I know not. What I do know is:

All extroverts need quiet time and all introverts need people. Our Creator is fascinating.

"Therapeutic"

2011-07-14T14:48:00.000-07:00

I feel like the phrase "it's therapeutic" can often be used as an excuse. But when you really get down to the root of therapy, an exercise in which one broken person talks to another broken, yet specifically-educated person and, ideally, walks away feeling better...there's meaning! With that somewhat ambiguous purpose in mind, I think to myself: what are those things that soothe my soul? When do I feel so connected to God that I have no doubts of his plan or his presence? What do I enjoy? What makes me feel better?

There are lots of therapeutic activities I've recently been employing... not because I feel I must soothe my own soul, but rather because God has given me a sound mind! And this sound mind is saying to itself, "do things that make you happy".

So what have I been doing that I find simply therapeutic?

Gardening. I water the garden and pick tomatoes, zucchini, squash, green beans, peppers, cucumbers, and peaches about every other day. There's something really satisfying about using my hands and being barefoot in the dirt. This is how God intended food to grow! Gardening is a lifestyle I want to always carry with me... even if I live in an apartment for the rest of my life, I will employ a garden as at least a fractional portion of my produce supply.

Listening to Mumford & Sons, Jon Mark McMillan, and Adele... they make an excellent play-list, those three. My heart has also been sweetly tugged on to the extent that I'm enjoying some newly awakened oldies these days as well. Live on, Beatles.

Creating my own recipes. I can truly say, "here, have MY recipe for tomato soup!" Now that feels like an accomplishment. That helps me to feel in control (another thing the word "therapeutic" naturally carries with it...help in gaining control). I'm going to do something with zucchini muffins tonight.

Doing things the old fashioned way. When's the last time you rode a bike to the post office? Yes, it is so satisfying (when not painful and exhausting, hehe)!

Having some good, good quiet in the mornings. Oh, sing praise my soul...the mornings have been cloudy (today I even felt some drizzle drops!). How did God know?? I like to think, at least, that the weather is a very personal gift for me, but I think the rest of SoCal is also celebrating.

Meditating on Scripture. Today: Proverbs 11...I sat there for a while.

Creating art. [Yes, I did go to Michael's the other day for their Christmas prep sale...very cheap yarn!]

Spending time with important people and having conversations with ones who love and know me well. It is SO good to be known, to be understood... I believe this is a new passion that's been ignited in me this summer. I will forever be an advocate for people who feel unknown!

Eating the snacks I brought home form Turkey...originally meant for others, but I haven't seen too many others so...more Tutku for me!

Making a list of things I wanted to do this week. From "read in the sunshine" to "make a new journal" to "learn Turkish", I don't mind being both practical and ambitiously imaginative with myself at the same time.

Blogging. Oh, myHandH readers, how dearly I cherish the attention you pay this site...but how much more do I cherish the sheer ability to express myself with the written word?! Mmm.

Go do something therapeutic for yourself, please! Doctor's orders.

Change of Plans

2011-07-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

When I was six years old, I really wanted a My Size Barbie for Christmas. Anyone remember those? I don't exactly know what the draw was... a portable friend, I guess. Age six was also the last year I believed in Santa Clause (for such an imaginative kid, I was really practical when it came to Santa). You see, I asked Santa over and over for the My Size Barbie as Christmas fast-approached. To no avail. My mom even said so delicately one day, "Honey, Santa can't afford a My Size Barbie this year", to which I naturally responded, "But he's buying one for Allison!" I, instead, got a Little Tike's "my size" desk that worked out beautifully. Change of plans.

By age eleven, I was no longer concerned with Barbies, but was rather more concerned with beginning my journey to self discovery. I wanted to get back into dance classes, as I hadn't done ballet for a few years. My mom and dad were always eager for me to get involved in group activities ('cause I'm the girl who has NEVER been on a sport's team. And proud of it!) so they enrolled me in a ballet class. As it turned out, my heart could not take it. I know this sounds ludicrous, but my ballet class was actually too overwhelming for me. At the time, I had an irrational fear of not being picked up by my parents at the end of...anything. Praise God for healing me of that soon after, but at eleven, I decided that the ideal ballet class was NO longer ideal for me. Change of plans.

A few years later and my love for travel began. At around thirteen, I decided I wanted to go on a service trip to Panama...or was it Peru? Somewhere in South America. I got so excited! I planned out a compelling speech for why Mom and Dad should consider my request, I did my research, I had a friend who was going to go with me...but they said no. No?! I was really not able to see why they weren't ready to send their thirteen-year-old youngest child out of the country yet. Change of plans.

During my Sophomore year of high school, I took seven classes instead of the required six. I did this so that I could continue to pursue my "sport" of show choir. We had an excellent director during Freshman year who had placed me into an advanced group for the next year. I was ready to take on the extra work load and the extra long school days (6:55am-3:00pm!) in order that I could continue my on-stage passions. Much to my dismay, classes were exceedingly difficult, choir was very lonely, and my heart was overwhelmed by the amount of stuff going on in life. I really wanted to switch over to home school. Seriously. But again, my mom who knows me well and loves me much said...let's wait it out. She really is a vessel of God's wisdom, guidance, and love. Thanks, Mom! (Almost) change of plans.

Skip ahead 3 years and find me, a wide-eyed freshman in college (not far from who I still am). At the first sign of the dating game, I was eager to take my turn. When a young man found me, charmed me, and then decided to not pursue me I was...well, as you can imagine, very sad. As it turned out, I was just playing the pre-dating game. Sad is my word. I don't dare go beyond sad when I recollect because sad is all I need to remember. God's goodness has always gotten me through the most difficult of difficulties. Again, change of plans.

And now. If you haven't heard, I'm back in the States...a little earlier than I'd expected. Don't worry, I didn't get kicked out by the government or anything! I believe my story in Turkey is not yet over, but rather needed a pause. My health was not in the best of places...how often I forget that feeling healthy is SO important. Praise God for healing my body since being home! Thank you to those who have prayed for this area because I can skip and hop and eat whatever I want now. Yay! Because of those health concerns and because of a few misunderstandings, it was better that I remove myself from the community of service a little early. How I hate to leave you readers guessing at the details, but I simply have not processed my time in Turkey deeply enough to know how to share specifics. God is faithful to take care of his children and I have seen this over and over again! Change of plans.

Picture: I had lots of great "see you later" moments by the Med before leaving.

Olive Grove 2011

2011-07-03T06:48:00.001-07:00

I'm alive!

Haha, you could take that many ways. No, I've not been able to blog much because of being at Olive Grove. And yes, I survived the two and a half weeks of madness...hence my liveliness. It was a successful year and we saw many kids come to know and trust the Lord! That is worth it all.

As you can imagine, there is a lot to process after an experience like this. Coming back to Antalya yesterday afternoon felt, in a strange way, like coming home. To know what's going on here; to be able to navigate my way around the city...that felt good. I've been resting and preparing for a vacation, actually! I leave tomorrow for Marmaris, a town north of Antalya. I have the pleasure of staying at one of my camper's homes and getting to know her family, as well as hang out with my numerous friends who live there. It should be a really great change of pace and a nice week of rest in between two very different ministries.

So, because I'm still processing my experience, I thought I would instead share my top 10 pictures from Olive Grove and leave you with little captions to ponder...

1. Orientation: a time to have good conversations about TCKs and to get acquainted with one another as a staff.

2. Beads! This is how kids (and counselors) buy ice cream throughout the hot days... my personal favorite: pistachio disc.

3. Discovering new additions to the facilities... some of the high school girls got really cool cabins!

4. Opening night introduction skits: an Olive Grove must.

5. Tie dye day!

6. Suzan...one of my many beloved girls and my hostess for this coming week! (We also happen to have matching Nalgenes.)

7. I got to spend lots of time working in this office during the second week. Hooray for air conditioning!

8. A hike up to the eternal flames...another Olive Grove tradition!

9. Bonkers! The Friday afternoon big group game.

10. And...saving the best for last: a beautiful sunrise on the beach to end everyone's week on a sweet note.

Skye

2011-06-21T12:13:00.000-07:00

Hello, happy waiting people! I'm sorry to keep you waiting on the knowledge of Olive Grove haps. We are well into week one of our "holiday adventure" and things are going marvelously. I have a small group of eleventh grade girls and have grown to love them loads and loads (one of my girls has a propper British accent that is to die for). Our theme for these two weeks is "Storie That Guide". We are studying stories from the Bible that provide practical and important lessons, especially for TCKs. In addition to stories up my wazoo, I'm teaching the "girl time" elective. We (Meg and I) are teaching Jr. High and High School girls about holistic health. Today that looked like giving out personality quizes to the girls which point out strengths that would guide their psychological health. Those are some official highlights of our time thus far.

Now for the juicy stuff...actually, just some fun observations. I've noticed a few things have changed since the last time I was at Olive Grove. For one, the pensiyon paved parts of its grass area so that the children don't have to walk in the mud. Also, there are a few more bungaloes that have been added to the girls' side of the property and there seems to be more flowers around the grounds this year than last. These may seem like trivial things...and they probably are. But I like that I can notice the change. Coming back to a place so...remote, so unique, so "I would never ever know this was part of our planet had someone not dropped me here"...it does something neat to the soul. I have very vivid memories of last year's OG experience, so the subtle changes in scenery have possibly helped me to make new memories with my new kids and new (wonderful) co-counselors. But one thing remains the same: the sea. The Mediterranean is stunningly beautiful at any point in the day and I praise God when I look around me and see where I am. Gorgeous.

Yesterday, the upperclass men and women got to go to a high ropes course during the day. It was a genuinely fun experience and a lot of good team building went down. In particular, I noticed that some of the girls (myself most definitely included) could not complete every course by themselves, so they would have to take help from the boys on certain challenges. Namely, course in which you had to pull your body weight (as in: with my ARMS) at an uphill slant! You learn a lot about people when you're depending on them and in this case, I learned that the high schoolers here are a stellar bunch of young people. Skipping off to do the fun ropes course did not come without consequenses, however. Many of us were very sore today from the strange movements. In addition, I'm participating in a work out every day during "girl time" and working on a TOP SECRET group dance for the talent show next Friday. To say the least, I'll get a healthy dose of exercise while here and I can't complain about that! Another thing to not complain about would be the weather. Considering how hot it was last year, I've been feeling very grateful for the early morning/late evening breezes and cool-downs. Even still, I bet each person here talks about the heat at least 10 times a day... maybe I'll try to make my portion all positives tomorrow.

So besides these abstract observations and concrete updates, an important thing for everyone to know is that I've changed my name. Only temporarily though, don't worry! Since we have a Christine, a Krista, a Krystal, and a Christen here at OG, I thought it might be easier on everyone (and on my personal attention needs) to remember me by a completely different name. We deliberated for a while and settled on the name Skye. For the first few days of camp it was weird introducing myself as Skye without adding the seemingly necessary clause: "well that's not my real name, but I'm going by Skye right now...", but now everyone has pretty well caught on and I'm responding to my new name. Yes, we're all lucid. I've always wanted a seasonal name! You know me and my seasons...

On Thursday we will hike to the eternal flames and on Sunday we'll do our annual boat trip to Olympos! I hope to tell more very soon.

Headed to camp tomorrow!

2011-06-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

Some important things I need to report (I'm mentally...and physically making notes so I don't forget anything):

The Friday shopping trip at Metro
P________t Sunday
Rain-o-plenty
The balcony.

I have the dog on my lap...I don't particularly like animals, but I've made a great connection with Dabi. I think it's because I give him my leftover meat and let him lick me when I'm sweaty (ok, maybe TMI, but it's a dog thing!). So yes, right now Dabi and I are sitting on the balcony, listening to evening Turkish street music, updating the blog. With our current location in mind, I'll start with "the balcony". Getting up early and sitting on the balcony with my journal, the Word, and an iced chai has become one of my favorite parts of my temporarily-usual routine. From here, I can see the street below, the entire city, a great portion of the sea, and the mountains. Yes, this is me suffering for my Master, haha!
In all seriousness, I have really been feeling blessed and I'm grateful for this balcony. I will miss it! Oh yeah, forgot to mention that this is the last evening I'm staying at this particular house.

Tomorrow, we go to camp! Most of this week has been devoted to camp preparations...which leads me to "the Friday shopping trip at Metro". Metro is like a Costco-Target-Ikea-Home Depot-gone European! It is very large and very familiar looking, oddly enough. This past Friday, we traveled there to shop for all the camp snacks. Believe me, we shopped hard! We filled two large crates and two regular shopping carts with snacks and other various supplies for camp. Some favorite Turkish snacks of mine are Dankeks and Cizi crackers...we'll be eating a lot of those in the weeks to come.
Metro, check.

This Sunday was "P_____t Sunday". Interestingly enough, there was a guest speaker and guest music team visiting our service. I was teaching the children's lesson, but the children get to sit in on a good part of the service before being dismissed, so I was able to witness something really cool. A man got up and read from Acts, when we found that our situation was quite similar to the one being recited! We were also gathered in an upper room with about the same amount of people listed in the Word. In fact, the very area of Antalya is mentioned in Acts (it's ancient name). This was just a really neat experience and a very profound showing of God's continuous work in a place that has gone backward in the realm of JC's influence.

Ah, yes. "Rain-o-plenty"...don't have too much to say about this, but I have been enjoying the sporadic showers. Though the sun has been out for the most part, we've seen a downpour in the late afternoon for the past few days. So interesting to me! I'll allow the pictures to tell the story (yes, it's me, dancing in the rain!...and trying on snorkel gear).

...and up top is the Dedeman: my very literal "beacon of light". I can see it from my bed when I sleep so I know if I've found it as a bus stop, I'm almost home!

Reça ederim (?)

2011-06-09T01:48:00.000-07:00

We've had some days off while Renata and Jim have been away, so we've done a lot of things around the house! Yesterday, this meant cleaning, setting up the upstairs balcony for "outdoor eating season", and cooking with Belgin, one of the cooks from Paul's Place.

We had so much fun! She speaks very little English and I (obviously) speak very little Turkish, so we took it upon ourselves to teach one another some important phrases. Neither of us keow how to say "You're welcome" in the other language, so we worked on that for a while. It's funny, hearing someone try to remember "you're welcome" by repeating and working through each syllable made me realize how silly I must sound trying to say "reça ederim". I don't even know if reça is the right word, but I know it's close!

So Belgin and I made quite the dinner! We put together a savory tart with dough that was made from scratch. The tart had olives, sun-dried tomatoes, and 3 different white cheeses ("beyaz penir"). Then, I learned how to make a proper Turkish salad with VERY thinly cut lettuce. It took a while to cut! Lastly, Belgin put together a delicious chicken dish with cream, cheese, and potato chips...not the healthiest dinner overall, but very yummy.

Today things will pick up a bit more, as camp quickly approaches. Admin is my middle name! I am so grateful for the many opportunities we have to work indoors as the weather warms up significantly. My body is still not used to this humidity, so a constant sweat is strange. I'm grateful, too, for the goodness of God toward me and toward this family. We have met so many friendly people and I am excited about the staff that will be up at Olive Grove.

More soon!

During the "inaugural" swim in the Med, Krista (left), Tressa (right), and I paid a tribute to Titanic, hehe.

Old City vs. Downtown

2011-06-06T23:41:00.000-07:00

We have been doing a lot of administrative prep for camp. Yesterday, I spent time creating covers for the song books and word study books the campers receive at the beginning of camp. I'll continue that today, giving my "boss" a few options of graphics from which to choose. I'm having fun with it!

Renata and Jim are out of town for a couple of days, so Krista and I are "watching over" Talya (their daughter) and the dog. Last night we made brownies with Talya, but she and Krista would not let me bake the normal way! They tied us all together and blindfolded some of us and made some of us not use hands and...oh my goodness it took forever. I wasn't so into this game, but in the end we got some tasty brownies out of the crazy.

Something I've noticed straight away this week is that my Turkish experience last year was greatly different from what I'll be experiencing this year. First of all, last year I did not actually interact with a whole lot of Turks since our main focus was camp, while this year I will be in the city more with countless opportunities to interact and make Turkish friends. Also, last year when I was not at camp, I stayed in Old City. Paul's Place (the main center for Christian activity here) is located in Old City and so was my Pansiyon (hotel), La Paloma. I did not realize that downtown Antalya would have such a different feel from Old City. With that said, however, Krista and I are making a great team. Since she arrived almost two weeks before me, she knows downtown and the bus system pretty well, while I know the walking paths of Old City. I've been really grateful for her help in navigating this urban jungle.

SO, we are going to Old City today! Renata left us with a few tasks to finish up and then ordered us to "rest up", so we're going to throw a little fun into our day as well. Once we're done with our admin. tasks for the morning, we'll bus over to Old City where I will show Krista all the wonderful shops and cobble-stone paths. We're also going to get döner for lunch...I can't believe we haven't eaten it yet! Again, different locations within the city bring very different experiences.

Above: downtown Antalya...the view I have from the kitchen window!

Happy WORLD Environment Day! (Oh hey, I'm in Turkey)

2011-06-04T23:53:00.000-07:00

Merhaba! Hopefully many of you received an email from me about my arrival...it happened, hehe.

Days 1, 2, and 3 of this adventure have been great and praise Him that I am nearly adjusted to the time difference. I am no slave to jet lag!

Friday evening, I arrived and was picked up by Renata, who commended me on my not over-packing (Yes!). We got to their house, had the first melon of the season (what a blessing; I felt like I would be missing out on the garden at home, but hello, I forgot I'd be returning to the land of fresh produce...Dad, you would die at the sight of this farmer's market. Amazing.), and then I was off to bed.

On Saturday (yesterday) we attended a Shakespeare festival for the youth group at church. It was basically an end of the school year talent show. After, there was a BBQ and fellowship time in the courtyard at church. I met many people, including some co-counselors who will be at camp. After that, we headed to a new friend's house for dinner and then back home for birthday ice cream. It was Krista's birthday on Friday! She is my co-intern and I was so happy to finally meet her face to face yesterday. We share lots of the same interests and personality traits, so I know we will work well together.

This morning, I am about to go get ready for church where Jim will be giving a message having to do with World Environment Day. You can imagine how excited I am.

!!!!!

He asked if I would get up and speak during testimony time on some ways I find creation care compelling and how I live this out. Wow! Who would've thought. Our God is SO good.

The hard work of camp prep will likely start tomorrow, so I may update again mid-week. Thank you all for lifting me up! I definitely need it and appreciate it greatly.

Güle güle (see you later)!

The picture above is me in Istanbul, obviously enjoying some trail mix at who knows what hour (my bod was a bit confused by that point).

I Love Comments!

2011-06-02T08:48:00.000-07:00

Today is the day! Here's what I'll look like for the next 7 weeks:

I loved finding this backpack in our rafters the other day. Apparently it belongs to my brother and I didn't even know we had it! I'll be honest: I'm bringing another suitcase too, but I did achieved my goal of not (majorly) over-packing! I am, again, owning the Birkenstock and Nalgene look this summer...ChristINE with the grEEN NalgENE.

[And have no fear, I WILL find a way to recycle in Turkey.]

So...if I may leave a very blunt hint, I LOVE COMMENTS! And since commenting may be a little difficult on blogger, I've made a cheat sheet for all my faithful readers. To leave a comment:

Click on the "comments" link at the bottom of the post.

Leave your comment in the box that appears.

Sign your name IN the comment and click the "anonymous" button bellow commenting box.

Click submit and you're done!

If you have a google or blogger account, you can sign in and leave a comment with your username, but anonymous commenting is very quick and simple. If you're able, I would love to hear from you! Also, do not hesitate to email me whilst I'm gone (British house guests had a lovely effect on me).

See you all on the other side!

The day. after. tomorrow.

2011-05-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

These are some pics of my last few days...celebrating the wedding of my sister's best friend, spending time with my family, saying goodbye to my dear friends (Nan and I spent 3 hours in an arboretum today and then Rubie and I roamed around a deserted downtown and ended up in a beautiful courtyard. Good day!)...

My to-do list still includes:
-Go to bank
-Pray (yes, I put it on my to-do list)
-Send a thank you
-Clean my room so as to not make Mama crazy
-Find people on Skype (I swear I do not remember my Skype name so I always have to search for others, hmm)
-Put apartment boxes in storage
-Lunch with sister
-Paint toe nails
-Stop by pharmacy
-Find headphones
-Charge electronics
-Change voice mail
-Pack

I'm hopeful.

I've also started my summer reading list...I decided to make this a re-reading summer because it's been a while since I've read some of my favorites.

The Great Gatsby-Fitzgerald
To Kill a Mockingbird-Lee
Fairest (not old, been meaning to read)-Levine
some Narnias-Lewis
Persuasion-Austin (I've read it half way through about 5 times now...finally bought the movie the other day so I can have some help...it's a slow one but I know there's a good ending. I mean it's Jane Austin.)
maybe A Summer Life-Soto

I also picked these for their compact qualities; I own most of them in paperback. My challenge is to NOT over-pack this year. I tend to bring too much, but the one thing you should never travel without: scissors. Seriously! You'll always need them at some point and people will love you for having scissors.

One more full day until I take off...I will do my best to update again before that happens. Blessed evening, friends.

Nomad

2011-05-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

I've moved out of my apartment! Moving out after the school year is over is always a bitter-sweet process for me. I had the joy of never having to move during my growing up years. I lived in the same house from birth until college...but now, moving in and out of dorms and apartments has become a yearly norm. In a way, maybe a move when I was younger may have prepared me to handle closure better.

I do not like goodbyes. I don't like saying goodbye to loved ones and I don't even like saying goodbye to familiar places, like my apartment of 5 months (I know, that went by fast!). I especially don't like saying goodbye to people I've only known for a short time...this is something I get nervous about when thinking toward my trip. I know at camp we, as counselors, will bond quickly and (in hopes) cohesively because of the nature of our work and the close proximity we'll share. Though I LOVE team-building and leadership-setting friendships, I hate saying goodbye at the end.

Mission's trips, weekend trips, wedding parties...this is always how I feel when short ventures come to a close. I think: I've made great friends and now I will probably never see them again on this side of heaven. But there is where I gain comfort: usually the people I bond to closely in a short amount of time are Christians and as C.S. Lewis said, "Christians never say goodbye". I know that I will have eternity with my new quick friends to worship Jesus together and even hang out together. I just imagine part of heaven being this great reunion of all the people you wanted to get to know more while on earth.
This reminds me that I am a nomad. Earth is not my home because on earth we have to say goodbye!

In another sense, I've been quite the literal nomad this week. After moving out in a couple of phases, I've slept in an empty apartment, on the floor at home, on a couch at home, and on a bed at Jamie's house. We have some lovely European guests staying at home right now. It's been fun to get to know them...but I've also had to be on the lookout for a place to sleep every night (don't tell Mom, she has been very apologetic and gracious. It's ok, Mom, I like the adventure!). All this to say, I am very eager for tomorrow when I will get to put my packed up boxes away for the next apartment in August and start packing for Turkey...where I'll continue to be a nomad for the summer, living in at least 3 different locations during my 7 weeks there.

God is definitely stretching my heart to be flexible. And he is so good to provide rest and time wherever I am...he knows my needs and he loves to teach me about my needs as well.

Peanut butter, natural birth, Kenya, Çıralı...

2011-05-24T20:09:00.000-07:00

I made these with Jamie on Saturday (she's home, she's home, she's home!). I got the recipe from this fun website that features numbered cupcakes...one for each age?? I don't know but if so, I'd like to go back to being 17 forever because cupcake 17 (pictured) was delectable.

And I never want to turn 23 (are you tracking?). I once threw up 14 times in one night from eating bad lemon meringue pie. Yes, I was 11 but I still can't take it! No way am I ever enjoying a lemony dessert again. K, now that that's settled...

Let's just make this good links day. I watched Pregnant in America on hulu today. Why? Well I thought it was going to be yet another movie about a pregnant teenager discovering the difficulties and responsibilities of motherhood...who knew that would ever become a genre? Anyway, it was an enlightening documentary about natural childbirth and the horrors of America's health care system. I made some very new decisions about how I will be giving birth...that's all I'll say about that. If you have a movie-amount of time to spare, it's worth it! Just the exposure to this culture of natural mothering is new and interesting.

I'm (mostly) done with the semester! Yawheoooow! In my heart, I'm singing a song I learned in Kenya when I was 16. You are so faithful... if you listen close between all the "ehyayaya"s of the children, you can hear the beautiful chorus emerge:
That's why I praise you in the morning
That's why I praise you in the noon time
That's why I praise you in the evening
That's why I praise you all the time!
And it's impossible to sing that song without the beautiful Euro/Kenyan accent. What a beautiful place Kenya is...

Really and truly, God has been so faithful to me. To the me who needs reminders every morning, noon time, and evening; to the me who sometimes needs to start over at each of those times...and even more often. He is so faithful and that's why I'm praising him this ev-e-ning. Thank you, Lord, for bringing me through this tough semester.

I think today I need to number my thoughts. I know they have no cohesive theme. Oh wait, links! K, what link can I share with you to explain just how excited I am to leave for Turkey next week? I do not know. I think I would usually refer people to my blog at this point, but...

Here! This is what I am ready for. This is a picture of the sea we sit by every day at camp. More importantly, however, I am ready for the people I will meet, learn from, minister to, reconnect with, share a few weeks of life with. The people are what make any land enchanting, aren't they?

Thank you for excusing my scattered brain this evening. Did I mention I'M DONE WITH FINALS??

18 hours, 18 pictures

2011-05-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Sticky Mango Feet, I got this fun idea. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm not an "all about my day" blogger (neither is she), but sometimes the mundane/every day inspires the greatest ideas. This day happened to be NOT so mundane...and here it is. 18 hours, 18 pictures.
5:15am-up!

6:00am-Getting to work on that research paper.

7:00am-Coffee.

8:00am-Still workin'.

9:00am-Spiritual Direction at school.

10:00am-A quick stop at work to finish up a project (Hi Diane!).

11:00am-Leadership Development...last day of class!

12:30pm-NOT presenting this painting I hauled around all day. Bummer, but we ran out of time in class, which means an extra thing to do during Finals week. Oh well!

1:00pm-Wisking myself away to the library to finish the research paper.

2:00pm-Afternoon SCHLUMP. Coffee break before my shift at work begins.

3:00pm-Working!

4:00pm-Found this little guy to give me an aesthetic boost.

5:00pm-Still at work. No, I do not work in the medical field, my boss just likes to teach me fun things, hehe.

6:00pm-Internship class.

7:00pm-In between signing our internship covenant, prayer, and class evals...Lauren flew to San Flisco (hehe, just for you, Lauren) today to get her visa for India. This makes me grateful for Turkish customs!

8:00pm-HOME sweet home.

9:00pm-Little Women. Yes, I do find it refreshing, thank you.

10:00pm-A little sumo wrestling with my roommie before going to bed.

10:30pm-Goodnight (Woops! That's 19 pictures.).

Ready, with Creative Juices Flowing.

2011-05-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

Türkiye...I'm coming, beautiful country! It's fun to hear about my friends who are returning this summer. My co-intern is on her way right now!

(Listening to Bennie & the Jets isn't quite helping the contemplative mood I'm aiming for, but it's cheery.)

I'm writing a research paper for my internship class, which I thought was going to be a total snooze (the paper, that is). It turns out we have to research our host country and learn a bunch about current events, trends, heros, you know, all the things that make a country culture-rich. So I learned the Turkish national anthem last night (ok, didn't LEARN it, but listened to it and can now recognize it)! I also studied a bit on current politics (I know, me?? I hate politics). This is so interesting. With the research paper on top of my already excited spirit, and reminiscent photos making their way back to my eyes, I'm ready to board. Though I think a 15 page paper for a 1 unit class (yes.) is a bit ridiculous, I am enjoying myself. Getting in touch with my interests and practicing the joy I have in writing may just turn out to be a blessing.

Speaking of creative things (my brain was speaking of creative things, though that may not have been conveyed) I just finished a painting! And I'm taking a painting class next semester. AND I'm writing a book.

I

am

serious.

It will be an autobiography which I plan to publish and sell online. I'd like to get it done by the end of this summer... we will see! I'll keep you posted.

Progress...

2011-05-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

I am simply overwhelmed with the Lord's faithfulness this morning. Since I'm turning into the ever-so-slight insomniac, I awoke at 6:30 and had the best slow morning I've had all month! And you know how I love slow mornings.

Beyond that tidbit of joy, I have just $455 to go in my support raising for Turk II (what I'm calling my internship in Turkey at the moment). Then...I just got crazy overwhelmed again when SO MANY people responded saying "yes" to being on my prayer team. To think that so many friends and family members WANT to be updated? WANT to lift me up before Him? Thank you. Thank you because I know the many of you reading this post are on that team.

I made an optometry appointment for contacts. I got a haircut (thanks, Lydia!). I'm getting my DVD drive fixed today. I bought a few more Turk-appropriate outfits. I had a dream that I was at a McDonalds in the London airport and realized (gasp!) I'd forgotten my passport! (I'm not even flying through Heathrow.) My appetite is on and off. And...in case you're wondering, yes, each of these factors has to do with my trip.

So I'm praising Him for all the steps and generous acts of my people. And I'm getting into the mindset that I will be leaving the country for seven weeks in less than 25 days. Woo! Cheers to progress.

Pictures from Çıralı, Turkey last summer.

Remember "All About Me" Poems?

2011-05-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

Come on, you've got to remember. I feel like most of us wrote one of these in elementary school. Today...I'm inspired!

Christine
Fun, detailed, passionate, wise
Sister to Laura, Oliver, Aaron, Alisa
Lover of coffee conversations
Who fears contact sports
Who needs her patient God...and a pen
Who gives hospitality
Who would like to see a true Italian villa
Resident of California
Nichole

Check It !

2011-05-01T15:24:00.000-07:00

Please join me at Sorta Crunchy (a.k.a. Big Time Blog) today for my guest post (eek!). And please join in the commenting party there! Thanks, friends.

(see link below)

"hope is in the changing seasons"

It Starts Out Silly

2011-04-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

Spring break!
= a (romantic?) dinner alone.
hehe

and, Hi!, I organize my DVDs from serious to silly

Oh by the way, everyone should eat a whole carrot with its tops on at least once in their lifetime...it feels very much like you're standing for a cause.

So back to my DVDs. I don't have quite enough to organize in alphabetical order or by genre. I've considered lining them up in a color order/spectrum. But the reason I have my movies in this order is actually not as surface level as it may seem. From most serious (Alias, March of the Penguins, Fireside Reflections) to most silly (Mary Poppins, Enchanted, Good Burger-not mine, my roommates'), there is something for every mood.

And since I struggle with over-empathizing, I must be very careful about what I let into my head...especially during down time. You may not make the connection. Well, my strength (yay! I can call it a strength! That's progress, people) of empathy can sometimes prove to be a burden. I have the ability to (almost) fully immerse myself into someone's woes and words and then...to stay there. To try and find a solution for them (us). To worry.

And I know worrying does no good to anyone involved. It's a Biblical mandate NOT to worry, actually (talk about pressure)! With this realization, which has come over the past few months, came another: movies totally affect my emotions. When I say totally, I mean
–adverb
wholly; entirely; completely.
I was watching too many sad movies! I was gaining too much emotional catharsis from fake people. (Ouch. That was hard to say.) But now I know that there are days when I can not handle a movie where someone dies. That's why I have Stepmom, Finding Neverland, and My Girl all grouped together. In fact, I haven't watched dying people movies in a long time. Maybe I'm afraid I'll revert to my old habits. I'm afraid that I'll sit on that green couch crying over something sad and not feeling like I can move on from it.
The truth is: I'm growing. I don't think that will be me tonight. In fact, I plan on watching an "unsafe" movie this evening (ooo, sounds scandalous...but you know what I mean). Praise the Lord for his help in lassoing my dangerous strength of empathy into something productive and sweet again. It's a process, of course, and right now I'm happy to be where I am.

(I really hope you were able to read this the way I said it in my mind. It had really good tone, if I may say so)

(Oh yeah, "Fireside Reflections" is a $1 DVD from Target that plays a fireplace...by the way.)

Lifeline

2011-04-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

I wish I could offer some beautiful commentary to go along with the following passages. I wish I could recount for you every moment this week when I've used these passages as my lifelines. I wish you could see just how tenderly the God of the universe has touched my heart with these words... but then again, I want YOU to experience his personal touch on YOUR heart. All I can say is that this week, I have been poor, brokenhearted, held captive, bound, mournful, and faint in spirit. And...I think you have been too. Because this passage is for God's people; the one's who really need him. Gloria in excelsis Deo!

Isaiah 61:1-4
The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.

Isaiah 62:4-5
You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,
but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
and your land Married;
for the LORD delights in you,
and your land shall be married.
For as a young man marries a young woman,
so shall your sons marry you,
and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so shall your God rejoice over you.

Finally! A Spring Favorite!

2011-04-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

I realized today that I DO like something about spring: daylight. And I think (eep!) I may have a new favorite time of day for a season. Don't get me wrong, I will never turn my back on the early bird club but right now, I really like early evenings.

I like walking home from class at 4:00 or 5-something and having the sun still shining. I like thinking of what I will make for dinner and I like opening all the windows and letting the beginnings of evening air make their way in.

God had been so gracious to me. Even though I am taking 18 units this semester, he has given me plenty of opportunities for slow mornings and sunny early evenings. He is supernaturally generous... I SHOULD NOT have as much expendable time as I have had, but he knows me well. How good is he to gift me in ways so specific to my tender heart?! Thank you, Lord.

So tonight: Thai chicken with homemade peanut sauce and brown rice...very exciting.
(oh and the photo up top is our fridge this week. i like that it's nice and colorful right now.)

Words from my Week

2011-04-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

Homemade crossword puzzles

New York Dance Company work out video (thanks, Rubie!)

Missing Levi...

Rest

Biggest Loser

Bare Fridge

Pasadena

Counting calories

Ticket to Vegas

No coffee (What?! Yup...a break from warm beverages)

Sore neck

Green couch

I'm going back to Turkey!

Facing my bad dish-doing habits

Prayer and strife

Squeezing out spring "love"

95 degrees. (ew)

Italian dreams

Black tank top

Honey Graham Oh!s

Owls

2011-03-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

I mentioned a while back that I have this new(ish)-found fascination with owls and mushrooms, so I thought I'd share a few of my owls with you!

I like owls because...well to be honest, they're kind of trendy right now. But I think I will always like them. When I was a kid, my family raised parakeets. We had an aviary in the back yard and, at times, would keep up to 50 birds. Waking up to the sound of chirping and bird talk was normal and holding baby birds fresh from their nests in the spring time was always a fun tradition. Maybe I'm naturally inclined to like owls because of my background with birds.

I also love that they are a symbol of wisdom. And they're so calm! Or at least they seem clam...

Ok, so here are a few of my "prized" owls. Enjoy!

An owl bank from Marianna that sits on our "live, laugh, live" table (yes, live twice). My roommates are saving up for a spring break get-away.

Technically, this is a Christmas ornament, but I keep it on our key holder and use it as a hammer. It's seriously the only object in the apartment that works for one!

A hand-carved owl from India! Laura brought this back for me.

Jason Leith made this! He is a wonderful artist friend and you should check out his blog.

I made this when I was eleven! It was an art class project...see? I was destined to love owls.

Thanks for checkin' this out!

[Least Favorite ]

2011-03-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

Spring is my least favorite season. I know, I know, I'm crazy... but seriously, in California it's kinda always spring. In fact, on my voice mail, I say "it's a sunny day in California!" This is a phrase I stole from a dear, spunky friend which is true about 90% of the time. REALLY, that's how (usually) predictable our weather is.

So this spring I'm trying to take steps to better appreciate the season. Though it was raining on Sunday, the official first day of spring, I bought an inaugural bouquet of spring flowers on my weekly trip to Trader Joe's.

What else? What else?

...new life! Daylight savings, that's happy.

umm... we're on the road to autumn...

I know! Here's what spring is: spring is writing a dark, nasty post about difficulties, realizing all the dismal qualities of it, and deleting it in its entirety (even thought it was MUCH better writing than this). Spring is... looking on the bright side?

Come on, people. I need some help here.

A Habit-Breaking Season?

2011-03-12T07:43:00.000-08:00

The Lenten Season is one in which we ready our hearts for Christ's passion week in the time-frame of 40 days. I read a good article (I know, it's Wikipedia, but I learned a lot!) which really helped me to understand some of the traditions associated with Lent.

On a different note, I've been reading Living Holiness by Helen Roseveare for Women in Missions and was struck by her chapter on repentance. She describes a time during her service in the Congo when the Holy Spirit stuck a church with great conviction. Following, there were countless cries and acts of repentance. What I was most surprised by was the nature of the sins for which these Congo natives were repenting. They seemed so small in my eyes! At the close of that chapter, I realized it had been quite some time since I'd asked the Lord to search my heart and point out any unconfessed sin...and the coolest thing happened. I sat in silence for five minutes, just FIVE minutes, and the Holy Spirit revealed 10 specific issues I needed to give up to him and ask forgiveness for. I knew it was the Spirit of Truth, for I did not feel laden with guilt or paralyzed with shame. On the contrary, I was swept over with a sense of gratitude and a desire to give up some of these old ways. Now, you may be curious what some of these sins were and let me just tell you that they probably would seem small and quite frankly, insignificant to anyone NOT inside my little, sensitive heart. But that's what is so magnificent about our Holy Spirit. He knows and works with each of us in ways tailored perfectly to our levels of understanding and tenderness.

With all that said, I am utilizing the Lenten season as a time to break a few bad habits, some of them being: wasting time with online TV shows and checking my email too often throughout the day. I am also partaking in the tradition of a meatless Friday, so as to remember Good Friday and the sacrifice of animal products in medieval times. This is a season I really look forward to because ultimately, it makes Easter a bigger deal; and Easter IS a big deal!

I did it!

2011-03-09T10:13:00.000-08:00

Yes! I met the 5 pound waste challenge head on. Here's a pic of my TOTAL waste from last school week (about 1 pound a day):

It was a fun challenge and I learned a lot about the products I use. I hope to keep my average waste at one pound or less every day... with 50% of that being recyclable waste.

Today is Ash Wednesday; the start of lent... I have a lot on my heart about this season and I'll be with you sharing next time. Enjoy the holy day.

The 5 Pound Waste Challenge

2011-03-05T11:14:00.000-08:00

Did you know that on average, Americans throw away 4.6 pounds of garbage per day, per person?! Hey, I didn't make this up! That's the weight of an average bag of groceries! So I'm trying to get my total amount of waste per week down to about 5 pounds. This sounds so easy right? Well that includes everything, garbage produced at home, in public, at school... it really adds up.

Why do I care about this? Because God made this earth and I believe one of my duties while on it is to protect its beauty. Of course, I always stick to my philosophy that people are more important than things. But I've lately been more excited to share really practical ideas with people about how reducing and reusing before recycling can be easy, fun, and more impactful to the earth. Instead of telling, let me just show you a few things around my home that I've re-purposed into decorations or useful items.

So whether you join the 5 pound waste challenge or not, I challenge you to reuse something this weekend! Be creative; share your ideas with me.

Time for a Change!

2011-03-03T22:32:00.000-08:00

Welcome to myHandH's new design! I thought something girlie and bright was in order.

I love him (my nephew).

And her (my sis).

As our sister-in-law would say, they're "the good kind" of family!

Happy Friday.

Things I Enjoy and Where They're From

2011-02-26T11:38:00.000-08:00

I wrote in my journal this week a list of things I love and where those things come from. It helps me to feel more secure when I take ownership of my loves and passions. Here ya go:

Seasons. This love comes from having lived in SoCal my whole life and having a lack of seasons. It also comes from my need to categorize life into months, chunks...seasons in order to see growth and have closure.

Chocolate. "I got it from my mama" (really)!

Travel. It comes from traveling...and wishing...and needing to be part of something bigger.

Warm Beverages. This love came with college. Oh I wish I could say more, but to really share this piece of happiness with you, I'd have to make you a latte.

Slow Mornings. This comes from Brit and Nan, the sisters! I had lots of slow mornings with them last year when Brit and I were floor partners. They taught me the value of taking time for joy and meditation before the day starts.

Owls and Mushrooms. From a blooming collection of each; I also have this romantic notion of a magical forest in which they live and fit so enchantingly.

Camping. This love comes from growing up "in" Yosemite (or camping in, at least).

Girlie Movies and TV Shows. I believe my enjoyment of these originated with my sister...we would eat in front of the TV whenever she babysat ("Shh! Don't tell Mom and Dad, Chrissy!")

Peaceful and Pretty Genres of Music. This comes from listening and exploring...

Homemaking. A lack of sport's teams as a child, an apartment, and a mom from the '50s.

I want to hear from you! What are some of your favorites and where were they born/started? I'm helping you become more secure...hehe!

"Pretty Light"

2011-02-23T09:58:00.000-08:00

I usually don't write when I'm feeling bad. And I'm not feeling bad today, but I have been... there have been awful things this week. And I wish I could tell you all the details. I wish I could spill out the very interesting thoughts I've been having, but I just can't...I'm learning how to restrain. I'm learning that my desire for intimacy is one that can only be fulfilled by Jesus. I have long struggled with the idea that I can't share my ENTIRE life with just anyone. Yes, I have my closest friends who know me inside and out, but even in those relationships, there are times when I have to stop stumbling over my words, desperate to be understood, and just give a groan to the Holy Spirit. I am rejoicing today in the fact that he takes those longing groans and turns them into coherent pleas before the Father. How marvelous.

But this morning, I'm not feeling so bad. It's been a week of self-care which can prove exhausting, but I was reminded last night by one of the sweetest of all people that I am a strong woman. What?! I usually describe myself as weak...seriously. But when I cut out time to take care of myself I am strong. You...ya, you who said that, you are amazing.

So I feel like living in pretty light today. Yesterday's theme was "comfort", the day before was "coming to the end of myself", today's is "pretty light"... abstract as it may be.

Pretty light.

I Have a Historic "Crush"

2011-02-18T18:46:00.000-08:00

I'm in a Women in Missions class this semester which so far has been wonderful. Wildly wonderful! I'm inspired every time we have class because it always includes a look at women from the Bible, women in missions (past or present), and really good conversations about what it means to be in a women in cross-cultural ministry. Get the point? I love this class.

So we are reading Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God by Noel Piper which is a really good book that bios a few...well, faithful women in history.

First up: Sarah Edwards. To be totally honest, I did not even know who she was, much less that she was important. Jonathan Edwards' wife...yeah, the "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" Jonathan Edwards. He was married? Oh yeah he was married AND he had eleven children with his wife Sarah! Turns out Sarah is an absolute tender-heart. I was blown away by the way Jonathan described her...the way she softened him. She was the epitome of a good hostess and she loved Jesus devotedly. And... you just need to learn everything about her!

I guess I can't offer you that, but I can offer you an excerpt from the book. This is the description I was talking about; Jonathan's description of Sarah from before they were even dating:

"They say there is a young lady in [New Haven] who is loved of that Great Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight; and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on Him...[Y]ou could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this Great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness, and universal benevolence of mind; especially after this Great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure...She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have some one invisible always conversing with her."

So there you have her, friends! I love her so much I've devoted my facebook status to her twice this week. But seriously, I'm thanking God and searching my heart, with the above description as a guide. Just think: our King loves us even more tenderly than Jonathan loved his wife! Wow and hallelujah.

Heart-Shaped Food in the Kitchen

2011-02-15T08:30:00.000-08:00

This series comes to a close with a picture of the kitchen!

I'm having computer trouble again...sad. Which means I actually have better pics of our delicious kitchen but can't get them onto Swirley (that's my computer's name). Oh well!

I made heart-shaped toast for breakfast yesterday and a heart-shaped pasta dish for dinner. I have pictures of those too but...

Did you have a good Valentine's Day?

Oh Hey, Still Here... In my Bedroom

2011-02-12T12:36:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay with this series. I finally have a computer again! I haven't had one since Thanksgiving weekend, so praise Jesus for a new (cheap) hard drive. Yesssss.

...This semester is going to be frequently crazy...I'm coming home as often as possible to play with my baby nephew before my brother's family moves away...My mood is dependent on the days events, oh! how fickle am I?...I'm grateful for God's grace and healing...I love my Women in Missions class. These are just some passing, stand-outish thoughts from the (difficult) week. But it's still good to be living in this place!

Today: the bedroom, or my portion of it, at least. Pretty basic: a bed, closet, dresser, bookshelf. I made some wall art out of my favorite verse, Jeremiah 32:40-41. The words from this passage float around and through picture boxes of loved ones (which often fall off the wall in the middle of the night. Any picture-hanging suggestions? I'm trying to avoid holes in the wall).

And one day my herb garden needed a bit more sunshine so it sat on my bed... don't you just LOVE the ceramic mushroom?! I do. It was my second favorite Christmas present (after the espresso machine!). Thanks, Sissy.

Our Sunny Bathroom

2011-02-03T09:49:00.000-08:00

I'll spare you pictures of the bathroom...though it is cute. There was a collection of Dutch windmill stuff around home, so I decided to go with a Dutch theme for the bathroom. My Granpa was born in Amsterdam (I can hear him saying that in his Dutch accent now) and we grew up with the fun influence of stories from the homeland. It's nice to think of Granpa (who's now with Jesus)...even if it is in the bathroom, hehe! With a new blue and white shower curtain that matches the pretty Holland-inspired things, our bathroom has a feel. A good, clean, sunny feel.

And yes! The bathroom is sunny... I've never had a sunny bathroom before. I "grew up" in a bathroom without windows. That sounds funny. I didn't grow up in a bathroom, but you know... my childhood bathroom? Whatever. This one has a largish window that streams in pretty pretty sunshine. And people, I'm not really a sunshine kind of girl. I really love cold weather, but sunshine is still cheery. So here's a print from Watercolor Works Etsy Team Blog to represent our sunny bathroom:

...and I love the wall heater in our bathroom. Another little thing to remind me of Gramma and Granpa's old house.

The Lovely Living Room

2011-01-29T07:48:00.001-08:00

I suppose this is where we spend most of our time.

I like that when I walked into the apartment for the first time, all that was on the walls was that giant, brightly colored piece of fabric. It made me laugh that for such minimalists, my roomies chose this very bold focal item. But I like it!

I like that our DVD player doesn't have a remote. I've been watching the first season of Boy Meets World (ahaha! Wonderful.) I just have to be really determined 'cause if I'm on episode 13 or something, I've got to let it play from the beginning on mute while I do something else. I'm not being sarcastic; I kinda like it!

I like that our desks all fit in this large space. And I really, really like the twinkle bulb lights draped on the back wall.

Simple as that.

A Home with a Table

2011-01-24T19:06:00.000-08:00

As I said in the last post, I'm in a new apartment! So...time for another series! Over the next few days or so, I'll showcase a room from the new place, and maybe a roommate or two as well.

I recently created a new resume and, in it, described myself as a "homemaker". No, don't worry, I did not list homemaking under professional work experience but I did slip it into the personal statement section. You may be thinking, "really?" A homemaker? Doesn't that mean "mom"? Not necessarily! I've been realizing more and more how much I love hobbies that have to do with homemaking: baking, crafting, cooking, interior design, hostessing... AND making any living situation I happen upon into a home is a passion of mine. In fact, last year as an RA, the theme verse for our floor was John 14:23.

'Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love [her], and we will come to her and make our HOME with her."'

Ultimately, we want to journey with the Lord as he sanctifies us into better homes for himself. Practically, we wanted our dorm floor to feel like home; a place where girls could take their shoes off and feel comfortable in their own skin. I'm not saying Brittany (my rockin' floor partner diva) and I achieved this perfectly as RAs, but our hearts truly were in it as we prepared our floor for the girls.

SO to have an apartment where I can take my shoes off and feel comfortable in my own skin is like a dream come true. I know that may sound a little dramatic, but this really is something I've dreamed of since I was little: the day when I would have my own kitchen for cooking and my own potted plants for tending...

Today, I'll show you the dining area.

A place for friends to dine together. Didn't eat at the table tonight, but I did have my first dinner gathering last week and let me tell you: frozen vegetables never tasted so good...'cause I bought them and made them (and no, that's not all we ate). Don't get me wrong. It certainly wasn't the first complete meal I've ever prepared, but it was the first meal I've prepared in my own home.

I love that it's temporary. I love that my roommates are such beautiful servants and sisters in Christ. I love that they WELCOMED ME IN mid year.

This shall be home. Live on, soul's motto, live on!

Hmms and hMMMs

2011-01-19T16:52:00.000-08:00

(Note the differing inflections in the title)

I just played a session of "spit out the number 2" with Levi. Maybe you had to be there? No, actually it's quite simple. He would "feed" me the number 2 from his foam numbers puzzle and I would shoot it out of my mouth, at him, sending him into a chorus of giggles. Over and over and over! And then we played yoga mat burritos. I DO NOT want to say goodbye to my dear nephew... but the truth is: they're moving in just a month. A month!

And, read on. This has been on my mind:
On Sunday, we heard a sermon on Isaiah 49. Get THIS. Israel has been on quite a journey and God is in the middle of telling them how extra set apart they are. He reminds them of how he gives times of favor (v. 8), gives them guidance out of discipline (in contrast with how a normal prisoner just gets dumped on the street-v. 9), and speaks a beautiful prophecy about his ability to move his own mountains for THEIR sake (v. 10).

The response to all this information is, fittingly, a sort of worship service. People are singing, exulting, breaking forth, the works (v. 13). And then (this is the "get THIS" verse)

Zion interrupts.

"But Zion said, 'The Lord has forsaken me; my Lord has forgotten me.'" (v. 14).

Woah, woah, woah... we don't speak to God that way. That was my first reaction. But read on, feeble and impulsive Christine. God has ALLOWED the interruption, the doubt, and sadness in the midst of joy. Even more, he changes his tone in the following verses, coming down to Israel's level, whispering comfort to them. He asks the crying nation, "Hey, can a nursing mother forget the child at her chest? The right answer is no, but even so some of them will... but I will never forget you!" (v. 15, paraphrase).

"Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me." (v. 16)

I'm sorry to not use very many of my own words here, but what's in THE Word is just so much more powerful. As it should be. If you didn't already know, Israel (this is at least what I strongly believe) is a grand representation of all humanity. We go through these really sad and joyful ups and downs of obedience and disobedience, just as Israel has. So... us? Me? The Lord has engraved ME on the palms of his hands; my walls are continually before me...my undone walls, because no, they're not up yet. I'm a building in process, but God is looking at my walls as if I'm already up. Already sanctified, already "done", already standing before him in beauty.

[By the way, I didn't necessarily come up with all these ideas. I was just paying attention at church; a feat.]

How many times have I "interrupted" the worship service? Most of the time, I feel incredibly guilty for doubting and bringing a desperately bad mood to a joyful worship service. But this passage from Isaiah shows me there's grace in that interruption.

So may this serve as an update from that very honest post a couple weeks ago. I'm learning spiritual stuff daily, feeling really relieved at what I learned from Isaiah 49 this Sunday, being an artist and finding confidence in that, getting ready to say goodbye to my brother's family, and I moved into an apartment! More on that next time.

Sweet, Sweet Solitude

2011-01-17T21:27:00.000-08:00

Today I explored new things...I went off on my own, I gave thanks for youth and independence, I people watched. Today I:

(and hey, I happen to think this is a beautiful self-portrait.)

I Digress into Something Joyful

2011-01-11T21:08:00.000-08:00

Friends, I send my thanks to those of you who have been praying for me, sending encouraging words my way, and empathizing with my current state. Since being home from Kansas City, God has shown his graciousness in numerous ways. No doubt, I'll be writing a more thoughtful update in the days to come. For today, however, I'm feeling a bit more light-hearted.

You see, this evening I cracked into my 5th grade diary. I literally had to break the lock... did I throw away the key all those years ago? I guess so. I felt blessed to read something I had written when there was still so much I didn't know... and I'm sure I'll feel that way my whole life looking back on any sort of my own writing that I happen upon. The Lord reminded me of his constant pleasure toward my efforts and his magnificent plan that has been at work since before I was born. Here's a little excerpt from my diary that will hopefully make you giggle:

"Dear Diary, I haven't written to you sience 1'st grade. Well I'm in 5'th grade now. God is pulling me closser to him. I must have prayed a million times today asking him to help me to open you. Tomorrow Brittany is going to church. She is a christian...
Today I'm planning on reading and doing science homework. I'll try to write tomorrow!
-Christine #7
P.S.-God answered my prarys!"

Gotta love that spelling! I'm just sitting in all that tonight and loving the look-back. And in honor of "the old days", here's a fun picture of my brother, sister, and me. Hey, we all inherited sensitive-to-sunlight blue eyes! (I'm the little one)

A New Year's... Rrrramble

2011-01-05T19:10:00.000-08:00

Friends! I'm sorry that I've been gone for so long. I went on an unintentional internet fast this week because I've been in Kansas City, MO at the International House of Prayer. No internet access, plus what would have been an effortful time in getting internet access made for an easy decision to "just say no" to the cyber world for a while. I certainly missed visiting Facebook, reading emails, catching up on blogs I follow, and of course, blogging. It has helped me realize, however, that I want Jesus to be my primary source of entertainment (because he is ultimately my ONLY source of joy!).

So the week after Christmas was the Onething Conference at iHOP, KC. I was excited to go to this yearly conference for the first time and experience some spiritual refreshment, diversity, and challenge. I definitely received diversity and challenge, but not so much refreshment as of yet. The trip started off a little roughly with me being reminded of some past anxieties and fears over the charismatic movement in Christian America. The very next day, I was hit with food poisoning and terribly ill for 24 hours. Jamie was a sweet friend and sat with me through every groan and grumble of pain; I was so grateful to be staying in a home rather than a hotel! Though the Lord did not make me sick, I do believe he works all things for good and brought about blessing through my only attending a total of half the conference sessions. I wish so badly I could say I enjoyed the teaching offered this past week, but I simply did not.

You see, I've been struggling with Calvinism and Arminianism. Oh boy, I never ever ever wanted to bring those two horrid words here to myHandH but I must if I am to share with you how I really am. For those of you who are not familiar with the Calvinism vs. Arminianism debate, it is a common conversation among scholarly Christians (though certainly not limited to the "intellectuals") about weather God intended humans to have free will in choosing him or if he predestined them to heaven or hell since the beginning of time. For all of my mature Christian walk, I have felt content to ride in the middle of the road. I am certain that God is sovereign and knows the beginning from the end, but I also believe he created man with the ability to choose all sorts of things, including salvation.

My University is very Calvinist. iHOP is very Arminianist. (I feel like I have two souls!)

I am still a bit too overwhelmed to best-articulate where I am emotionally. But as you can see, I'm facing very distinct (both very good and loving) teaching in my life and SO seeking after truth with my heart and mind, but finding the tension between these teachings too...tense. If nothing else, this week in Missouri was a great opportunity for testing things against the Word. I'm learning more and more to love the Word of God. Hey, nothing bad can come from that! Allow me to share a journal entry with you from my time to better explain just how I was feeling (and in contrast with my normal writing, the ellipses here mean I'm sparing you some massive details and ramblings):

December 31, 2010
"Lord, I seriously want to hash out the details of what's inside me, of why this is so hard, of why I'm feeling entirely frustrated. I still trust you...I really kind of feel like I was robbed of those last few "extra" days of Christmas. I missed time with the family, I probably would not have gotten sick, and (though this goes against good critical thinking) I would have been ignorant of all the weighty spiritual matters brought up here if I had not come...God, I'm realizing intensity just scares me. The intense rigidity of Calvinism that says, "It must be all about dying of yourself, that Jesus may be glorified!" And the intense language of iHOP: "His heart is ravished and lovesick for you, his bride!" I believe option A, I'd just like everyone to lover their voices a bit. And I want to believe option B, but it doesn't sit right with me because it's so me-specific. Why does intensity scare and irritate me so? Anxiety, panic, invoking the past, lack of peace, not the voice I'm familiar with... but Lord, I know there's a place for intensity. Hello! I believe what Revelation says...
I'm simply wrecked! I don't feel like I can go any lower into confusion. I just do not understand how I can follow you in a way I believe is godly and right and how it can look so different from this. I wanna get it right!
...Enough ranting, enough! There's truth that I'm ignoring and I think there's an on-my-knees moment that's been in the works...
It's the "cultures of Christianity" that are driving me nuts because I can't belong to all of them. Hey, maybe that's the answer: I can't belong to all of them. Am I clinging to truth? Am I loving and reading the Word? Am I praying and being attentive to the Spirit? Am I being obedient and following your calling on my life? These are the important questions...Thank you! Thank you so much. I am willing to be surprised by you still and I'm going to trust that those questions are guidelines from you. Help me to take this journey you're guiding me through as a step of faith. I can do all things through you who strengthens me!
In your holy name, Amen."

So something I did not realize while I was in Missouri was that the Lord would continue to work when I got home! He's revealing more of my fickle spirit to me, my tendency to quickly reject and then go back to look at what I just denied, the discomfort I feel when I don't know all the answers and am not in control. Beyond these factors though, I know God loves me dearly and has led me to this crazy place for a reason; a good reason.

I'll try to keep everyone posted...but like I said, I'm fickle. And I may very well have moved on in a week with a simple statement like, "I don't want to waste my time here, I know what I need to know, and God is in control of the rest"... but then again, I doubt it. There's lots to learn!

The ABC's we love about Christmas

2010-12-24T13:02:00.000-08:00

This is a co-authored effort by Jamie and me. We're bringing you the best of Christmas all wrapped up in a tidy little alphabet package. Here are our favorites from this season and seasons past:

Abundance of food (office treats are my fave)

Baby boy ("So much joy over this baby boy" is a song lyric from our church's Christmas album that has been newly realized in my heart this season)

Christ-centeredness

Decorations. Except Jamie's family opted out of the decorating this year, on accident.

Eventfulness

Finishing finals!

Giving...it really is better than receiving.

Home, being there.

Inspiring advent sermons

Jingle bells! Levi loves to shake 'em.

Kind-hearted strangers.

Looking at lights with special "peeps"

Mistletoe above my door.

Noel ("I love that song", says Jae)

Opening gifts and hearing the story behind them ("I was at the store and I..." "You'll never guess how I thought of this one...")

Pandora Christmas stations. Some favorites this year: Bing Crosby Christmas, Casting Crowns Christmas, Sufjan Stevens Christmas

Quirky Christmas parties, especially at school. No one has quite enough money to throw a dazzling event, but the tacky/funky get-togethers always satisfy.

Reverence: there is a lasting sense of it, even in the songs that get played at malls...people make an effort to go to church.

Scents: cinnamon, Christmas tree, apple cider, coffee with seasonal creamers

Traditions

Unity. People gather and there is a sense of generous unity in the air.

Virgin conception and birth (Maybe it's a little graphic, but think about it!).

Watching movies while Wrapping presents.

X-mas, it actually doesn't cross out the Christ, it MEANS Christ.

Yulelog on DVD! Makes a great alternative to a real fire any day.

Zeal for a new year.

Merry Christmas, readers. Enjoy the special day with your loved ones, keeping Jesus as your center. Christ is born!

Tributary Time

2010-12-18T09:47:00.000-08:00

School's done; you'd think I would not want a thing to do with it. Wrong! For one, I spent 9 (k, maybe a wee bit less) hours in the rain yesterday working graduation... my mantra for the night was, "This too shall pass AND Christmas is coming". I spent a good amount of time singing (loudly) as I drove my little cart around the bare "overflow" lots. Well, thank you Lord for employment.

On a happier note, I'd like to dedicate this post to the great professors I've had this semester. Wow, for such a tough and roller-coaster like season, the Lord sure blessed me with adept teachers from which I learned huge amounts of information. More significant than this, these men portrayed Christ's love by learning our names and teaching their classes relevantly.

Dr. Morton of Intro to Islam. What a perspective rocking class! Dr. M, you did bring out the rebel in me at times, especially with the "women in Islam" lecture. But I so grooved on this! I learned a lot about deciding what I believe and why that's so vital in cross-cultural ministry. Best of all, you got me hooked up with ESL for Muslims which has been a fascinating experience.

Dr. Davis, oh Dr. Davis! For a first semester prof, this man knew his stuff. Abnormal Psych was something I was a little nervous about... thinking about crazy people all the time, you know? Quite honestly though, I was so grateful for your ability to read the class, be patient with us, and communicate good stories from your own experiences. Your sensitivity to the subject matter was necessary and totally appreciated. Thanks, too, for bringing a little bit of the real South here to the south of cal with you!

Dr. Thoennes, Theo I with you was such a ride. From the first "HELLO" (people, there's a reason that's all caps), you had us! I am thankful for your simple and sure love for God. It's contagious, 'cause I think I love God more now than I did before. Your expectations for attention in class were refreshing and challenging, while your words about the Lord were soaked in love and truth. This class left me asking good questions like, "Do my positive attributes from the Lord add to my ontological value, or is ontological value assumed without notice of character?" Oh, and by the way, my new favorite Christmas song is "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing".

Dr. Waller, I really like your vocabulary. In fact, I made a list of all the cool (dandy/marvelous/sensational/swell) words you used during our final class session. Ready?
Proverbial
Adjudicate
"Oughtness"
Akin
Espouse
Ardent (Ooo! Good one.)
Winsomely
Oh, plus you taught us a lot about philosophy too! It's possible that I never said it outright, but maybe you could tell throughout the semester that philosophy is just not my thing. However, I looked forward to your class because you made these crazy concepts much more approachable for us. Thanks for taking on an extra long day at work to make this class happen, too.

So to professors who should now be sipping a warm beverage and wearing embarrassingly ugly wool "home" socks, I say THANK YOU! Thank you for getting to know me as a person and a student. And thanks for stopping by myHandH.

Y'all, 9 more posts and I've reached #100! I need good ideas for what I'll dub "the centennial post".

A Big Fat Sigh of Relief

2010-12-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

This is my mood. Quiet, thoughtful, canny, at peace, real tired, kinda wacky. My mood is:

PRAISE THE LORD that finals are over. I had four yesterday; what a day! It was the kind of day where I felt like I would be drinking coffee all day to keep going, but was so busy studying, running around, turning things in, having my "shining moments" of knowledge-display...I didn't even have time for coffee, which was probably advantageous.

And no, today was not exactly the inaugural Christmas break day. I spent my morning and afternoon teaching English, running around (hmm, a theme), and seeing Jae. Yes! The dear girl is home and she was wearing shorts in celebration of the "warm" weather, ha!

At English, we had a white elephant gift exchange. Firstly, I had to make up a story for what the white elephant gift exchange was. Yeah, I made up a story because who knows where this tacky (ahem, may I say WHITE) tradition came from? Well, post ESL class, I did a little research. Read on, all who are curious:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/452263/origin_of_white_elephant_gifts.html?cat=37
(...and someone tell me how to make blogspot linkable!)

Anyways, after I made up a story that had nothing to do with the real deal, we opened junk. The prized gift? My Gramma's old, broken umbrella. I'm actually quite impressed with myself for letting 'ol Mr. Tumnus go... he was my faithful rainy day companion for years after Gramma passed away. But he's really, super broken. Enough showing affection to my inanimate objects. Long story short, I introduced a bunch of ESL students to the crazy of this American tradition today. Success!

Thank you for allowing me to ramble on... so go the thoughts of a post-finals girl.

Think on This:

2010-12-12T09:56:00.000-08:00

Friends, this Christmas hymn has recently been brought into new light for me. Allow me to pass the gift on to you!

Christ by highest heav'n adored
Christ the everlasting Lord!
Late in time behold Him come
Offspring of a Virgin's womb
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see
Hail the incarnate Deity
Pleased as man with man to dwell
Jesus, our Emmanuel
Hark! The herald angels sing,
"Glory to the newborn King!"

Happy Sabbath.

These Days...

2010-12-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

I am in the CRAZY DAYS of finals. And yet, I've found time to post this. What can I say? I just find writing de-stressing (not distressing). These days, life looks like this:

A little Christmas, a lot of studying, a bit of crying, a good amount of coffee, great anticipationg for weanining myself off caffeine, exercising again, and eating well (I'm just not worrying too much about it right now; no more items on the to-do list!). Far-off thoughts of gifts, singing engagements this weekend (yay!), waiting for Jamie to come home, dreading next Tuesday: five finals! Thinking on good advent lyrics...

And hey, the Sleigh bell Sisters' Soiree was a success! What a good idea to put aside a Sunday for everyone to just celebrate the season together. I think I'll have to have a "second anual" next year...

There's us. (Don't you love the cross-stitch nativity scene on the coffee table? Levi loves it too.)

What would life be like...

2010-12-02T12:09:00.000-08:00

if we had less technology. Well, I certainly wouldn't be here musing, would I? My computer crashed over Thanksgiving weekend and... it's kind of nice. At first, I was pretty panicked because I have a good amount of files that aren't backed up, namely music, photos, and my "receipt" to Mom and Dad (it's a log list of the thousands of dollars I owe them...). But once I realized I could call iTunes to get a back up of my purchased music, I have all the pictures that are really important to me in scrapbooks or online somewhere, and my important documents can more or less be reproduced by memory, I felt ok. No, let me correct myself. I felt ok after saying, "Thank you" to the Lord for my computer crashing. Odd as it seemed to turn toward thanks, it was a good move.

Anyways, back to my thought. I've finished up the semester once before without a computer (when it crashed before). And I am so super impressed by the few people who still don't have a cell phone... maybe it's not technology, but just being constantly connected.

Don't get me wrong. I love being a blogger, I love coming up with fun Facebook statuses (I'm doing a thought-provoking Christmas song lyric series right now!), I love Pandora and iTunes, and I so appreciate our capabilities with the internet. But I also like those rare days when I wear a watch and don't have to check my phone for the time. There have even been a few days in the recent past where I didn't look at my phone for a whole day and NOTHING HAPPENED! No one called, no texts, just a day of quiet and it was OK!

So I think I'll ask for a watch for Christmas... and I'll put off going to I.T. 'cause I like the temporary "old-fashioned"ness of not having a laptop. And maybe I'll even send a few snail mail letters this Christmas season. Here's to going back... to the '90s. Yes, I liked that amount of technology.

(Hey, maybe I'll get a pager!)

Making Time for Christmas

2010-11-27T15:59:00.000-08:00

Happy official Christmas Season!

The other day, I told my sister Laura, "You're like the best peson to celbrate Christmas with 'cause we know exactly how each of us likes it." Plus, we grew up together. Funny, isn't it, that Christmas is sometimes best celebrated with family? Family traditions are huge in my heart (though not so huge in my family's heart. Ironic? Yes.). This season, I'm making time for Christmas and here's how:

-I intentionally started with Jesus. Surrendering and dedicating the season to him (which I should do tonight with a little more gumption) is important. If I am not focused on his birth, my moody, human expectations will become big disappointments. My prayer is that I would be able to take in the small moments of the season and make time for joyful things.

-The day after Thanksgiving (yesterday!), I decorated my room. Though the entire house has yet to get its halls decked, my room is beaming with the ever-familiar mini Christmas tree, childhood ornaments, multi-colored lights, and ice skating things.

-I'm on my way to having each and every step for completing the semester (at least school-wise) all planned out. I have a grand list of the homework assignments and papers I need to complete and I have a study plan for each final. Spreading things out into manageable chunks is my style when it comes to school, so I'm doing a little bit every day to prepare for "the most stressful time of the year".

-I made a paper chain. Yup! It's... well yes, it's childish, but in a wonderful way. There is something about participating in the act of anticipation that I'm just sure the Lord delights in. I had my sister write out a small Christmas activity on each day of the countdown and even gave her a list of my stressful days so she wouldn't give me some crazy idea, hehe.

-I'm having a Christmas party: the Sleigh bell Sisters' Soiree next week (Christmas brings out the cheesiest in me). I am SO excited to have my girlfriends over to the house for making merry.

-Warm beverages galore... yes, yes, yes. I really feel Christmassy when I'm sipping something hot. Good thing too, 'cause beverages are portable and perfect for the busy girl that I am.

How are you making time for Christmas?

Big Decisions

2010-11-23T13:01:00.000-08:00

I like making decisions. I almost always know what I want for dinner, I rarely stand in front of the closet door clueless, and I don't tend to find myself bored easily because I have a whole slew of rainy day activities stored up in my head. I like when two people defer to me as they banter on about where to go to dinner. I am grateful for this ability and use it often. However, when it comes to big decisions, I slow down my pace.

Right now, I am looking at two very different options. To continue on with my education at this University and graduate as planned or to take a semester off to work (as in get money, but also to work on my heart) and graduate a semester later. They both sound fine. There are pros and cons. It makes sense to take time off but it would possibly mean facing hard things in my heart, like loneliness and finding my validity only in Christ, not in the exciting things I get to do with my life. (Woah, that's where my validity IS found; too bad I don't always recognize it).

I'm realizing that even through this decision, which I won't be able to make quickly, (ah, that drives me crazy!) God is taking me into a season of dependence. Dependence seems to become a lot more important when you don't know what your life will look like in a month... or six months.

And I know that whatever decision I do make, he will work the "things of it" together for good 'cause I love him and am called according to his purpose.

Dorm Room Overhaul!

2010-11-17T13:33:00.000-08:00

While I was in Tennessee, I noticed quite a lack of visual pleasantries in Jamie's room. Lucky for me, Jamie is gracious and appreciates my knack for interior warmth (I wouldn't necessarily call it interior design... but I have confidence that I can always make a place feel warm, hehe).

First step, Peace banner:

As I prayed for Jamie that weekend, the Lord impressed the word "peace" on my heart. We were both in need of some good peace. I topped the banner with ribbons, which I latter tacked clothes pins to. Now she can hang pictures, notes, and such on the draping ribbons.

There was also this awful wall above her bed with cracks, bulges, and probably mold growing in it. What can you do? So goes the dorm room experience. But what I COULD do was make a great collage to span the funky wall. I cut out magazine pictures from a food mag, inspiring words, collected and pressed leaves from outside, and used scraps from the peace banner. Jamie picked the images that were most meaningful and fun for her. I wanted to create a combination of texture, comfort, and nature. I think we accomplished just that!

Oh yeah, I figured some make-shift curtains above the window wouldn't hurt either.

Today when I put my pants on, I...

2010-11-14T22:02:00.000-08:00

Thank you kindly to those of you who have been praying for me. I sometimes forget that this blog actually gets read! Leave a comment every once in a while, hehe. The entire week was a roller-coaster kind of week. The Lord is faithful though and I am grateful that he's willing to blow on the dusty furniture inside my heart...

So yes, today's title is: today when I put my pants on, I... Every once in a while when I want to write about something snappy or fun but have no ideas, I go to "Imagination Prompt Generator"- >http://www.creativity-portal.com/prompts/imagination.prompt.html< to find a good idea. When I first read that, I thought, "Icky. No one wants to hear about what I think when I'm dressing." But then I thought, "Well hey, I did have a really interesting pants experience this morning." So there ya go.

Today when I put my pants on, I realized they were too small. Oh, WAY too small. And since I'm going there, I might as well just tell you: I did the maternity, rubber band around the button trick and they were still too small (no, I'm not pregnant). A lot of my pants have been too small lately. AND, I found my first stretch marks last week! I know, I know, some of you must be thinking, "Child, if you're worried about your very first stretch marks, you're doin' all right." I had my first "no, no, no, I just won't buy new jeans if that means trying yet the NEXT size up" experience in the dressing room yesterday.

This is a little dramatic, I know. But it is what it is! Facing the facts of a slowing metabolism is not fun. Lots of deep breaths and big-picture reminders. I'm gonna go out with a bang here:

"I am beautiful no matter what they say! Words can't bring me down! Ohhhhhh, so don't you bring me down today."

I may just be in that valley...

2010-11-09T19:03:00.001-08:00

Y'all (yup, I'm speaking Tennessee), it's true. I may just be in that valley. You know the one. The "yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" one. The "oh my gosh. What's going on?" one. I called Jamie in desperation today (and if I was her, I would have been scared)... tears from "hello".

K, here's what's going on: I hit the ground running!

First of all, I HATE goodbyes. So you can imagine that saying goodbye to this dear friend was awful. For the whole ride to the airport, my stomach was in knots. So Jamie held my hand like she'd done many times that weekend and spoke truth and encouragement over me. Long story short, I've gotten used to people in airports seeing me in tears.

I didn't know if I had enough money for gas on the way home so I got just a few gallons... after I found a gas station that was actually open, that is (who knew they could close?). I tried to figure out the math of how far this gas would take me since my gauge is broken, but my body felt like it was 2am. Hungry and nothing to eat but the picked-over peanuts and mangoes.

Yesterday was manageable.

Today was not. I woke up sick, drove to school, and said, "Lord I KNOW there is good in this day... take me to it." I made it through 7 hours and then decided to cut the marathon Tuesday short. I failed a paper. Yes. I've never failed a paper before; I didn't know it was possible to thoroughly complete an assignment and still fail it. This is me, miss lined-up-to-graduate summa cum laude. You can probably imagine my alarm.

There is so much more I could write about that's hard right now...my impatience with being back home, past hurts reemerging, loneliness... But I don't think it would be helpful to anyone, myself included, to go into detail. Instead, I will choose to read the rest of that verse:

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over." -Psalm 22:4-5

Yes, it is true. This was said to me today: "God's got good things for you. He's bringing you out into open lush places."

Tennessee bliss...

2010-11-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

"The word of the Lord you have spoken is good," Hezekiah replied. For he thought, "There will be peace and security in my lifetime."...Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.
Isaiah 39:8-40:1

Last week I asked, "Oh Lord, may there be rest?" Yes... he said yes. He does have good rest for his children. I'm learning that the most important place for rest is in the heart.

So I am in Tennessee with my dear Jamie, experiencing an autumn I've never before laid eyes on. The trees are REAL fall colors, all the scarves and sweaters I brought with hopeful expectation will actually go to use, and my nose is cold just from sitting with the window open. It's the very definition of Christine's bliss, hehe.

Having quite a bit of expendable time with Jamie going about her "normal" (though thoughtfully altered for my sake) schedule, I began thinking of all the things I needed to accomplish this week while away. But there was absolutely no urgency, no anxiety, no rush... I feel like the Lord is telling me to just TAKE this gift. So I'm taking it!

A morning of dreaming, cozy, and pumpkin chai muffins. Thank you, oh Merciful One.

Emanuel, Whatever the Season

2010-10-31T08:58:00.000-07:00

A recent journaled prayer:

"This green snowflake represents how I feel about the current season. I'm so happy about the fall weather this week, but I'm also quite content with sneaking in Christmas celebration to make this Christmas season a really long one.

The thought just struck me: I need to be celebrating your birth if I'm starting up the secular seasonalities of Christmas. I'm sorry for not having your birth as my very first thought of Christmas! Forgive me. For your birth is GOD coming down to US as Emanuel!

Oh come, oh come Emanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lowly exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emanuel
Shall come to thee, oh Israel.

...thank you. So much! And thank you that I'm not in that spiritually dark place I thought I was entering. You know why.

In Jesus, Amen."

The Halted Gallivant

2010-10-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

After a chunk of time spent reading brilliant writers, I am inspired, yet dry. The well of ideas that is my ever-gallivanting mind suddenly stops.

I have been desiring good rest so much and trying to stray from laziness. Living at home is not what I expected. I love spending time with Levi... making silly noises together and chasing him as he crawls all over. It's hard not being known. Hard for everyone, I'm sure.

A 45 minute commute is tiring. I'm so excited to visit my great friend across the country next week.

Oh Lord, may there be rest?

"I want a snowfall kind of love... 'cause I'm a snowfall kind of girl." I'm in a weird position where I'm trying to love singleness but still heart-aching over having yet to see my first real relationship with a boy happen.

Calvinism, Arminianism. Lord help me not to cry when we talk about it today. Why does it make me cry?

Chicken, pesto, balsamic, pineapple, chocolate all ruminating in my stomach contently.

You are my good rest. Thanks that I learned how to knit with chopsticks.