Focus.

I've been on writing hiatus for no particular reason other than I've lacked inspiration. And I've been listening to this podcast where a professional entrepreneur blogger hosts other professional entrepreneur bloggers... they talk about the books their writing and how tough it is to be a mom while pursuing these careers. And I'm being lazy, not mentioning any names because I don't feel like linking to the podcast even though it's great. I'm just having that slow, tired, want-my-morning feeling. And because of these influencing mom bloggers, I've felt (I suppose) a little inadequate. Like, "Ok I'm not a mom, so why am I SO interested in these bloggers?", and, "Wow, myHandH has no direction... I just write about whatever comes to mind."

I've been thinking about ways to bring a greater focus to my blog. "Young Adult Christian Living in a Creative World"? That's the most compelling idea I have so far. If I keep all posts centered around that theme, maybe I'll reclaim the drive I once knew. Another reason I feel urgency to focus is because of my book project... remember back in May I announced that I'll be writing a book? {Sorry, but you'll have to forgive the very-specific-to-this-decade no link mood I'm in again.} Well it happened upon me that no one will be interested in buying or even reading a book that has no focus, no theme.

Young adult
Christian
living
in a Creative world...

I really want to add green living to the mix as well, but I suppose creation care could fit into "Christian" or "living"... and then there's homemaking, hmm. It's a process. I'll be back soon with a vision.

Fuel

Pain is fuel.

I just got finished with a wonderful conversation with my mentor who articulated for me the feeling I'm facing. That is, feeling like I'm back in "the same place" again. And she offered me a beautiful illustration...

In contrast to a 'round and 'round farris wheel, the journey of life experiences is actually more like a trail through a diverse forest. Some spots are beautifully lit and full of mushrooms and owls and farriers and all those romantic things I believe to inhabit a forest. Other patches are dark and full of scary corner turning, peering, and running away from the big-BAD-...something. And sometimes I do feel like I'm in the same spot I was in 6 months ago or a year ago.

But I'm not.

It's impossible to be in the same place. Not with our God; not with the growth and work he does in lives. I'm further down the trail, but the bending and winding has brought me back to the same view. Everything around looks the same as it did during that terrible tragedy or that averse heartbreak, but I am not in the same place. And I might just be brought back to this view again, but then I'll be even further along.

So I've decided that heartache is fuel because I am in a different part of my life's path... and though I hurt over harsh stuff that throws itself on me in that life forest, I'm motivated to move. To keep moving down the path and into the next thing. That is, after I sit here and look at this all-too-familiar view for a few days.

Opener Highway

I don't like feeling irritable. Who does? I need a place to appropriately release the crabby. Hello blogosphere! {Feel free to click away... though I promise I'll try not to cross over into actual complaining.}

Synonyms for "irritable":
1. snappish, petulant, resentful.

Resentful? I don't know about that one, but snappish and petulant? Absolutely. I often get this way when I have too much expendable time on my hands.

Everyone is talking about Tim Tebow today and I'm just not on that band wagon. What's up?
I made my youtube debut with a cover of Green Eyes this afternoon... after HOURS of recording and re-taking and sound-checking (for which I feel useless... I want to play with real sound equipment) and it just wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. I had to end my time with the webcam saying "ok" to imperfection and though that sounds really insightful and mature, I'm not yet feeling the resolution.
I know there's a place for dry prayers; I accept this. But I sit down to pray with Jesus and feel like the weight of the world is hovering above my shoulders somewhere. {It's not on my shoulders, for I'm not in despair, but it's hovering right around there, all foggy and such.}

So.

I'm going on a road trip. I don't know that this is the answer for all irritability, but it's an answer that works for me right now. I'm going to escape the weird, snappish petulance and spend some time with friends. Or not. I'm going to spend a lot of time driving, that's for sure. I'm going to see a new area, catch up with chums, and BE away.

I tried to write a new song last week and came up with a satisfying first verse and chorus:

It's like I'm on a road
of so many speed bumps and stop signs,
like I'm driving quite slow
in a vehicle of clumsiest kinds.

When will I get to opener highway?
When will I throw my arm out the window?
When will I see wild horsies and cows play?
When will I, satisfied, lay down my head on my pillow?

Yes, opener highway is what I'm after. Hallelujah for parents who are letting me borrow their good car so I don't have to take the one {Shamu} "of clumsiest kinds".

Goals, not Resolutions

Resolutions are hard to keep... and resolving to change is quite extreme; rigid. However, I know that I need goals come every new year for the sake of who I am and how I function, so I've taken some time to set mine.

2012! This year, I want to...

1. Be a prayerful woman. Pray every day and when it gets hard or boring, pray a little more. When my feet hit the ground in the morning, Satan says, "Oh crap. She's up."
...I mentioned somewhere in here that spirituality has been tough lately. But praying a little more is what I'm gonna do. Because, as I was reminded in church on Sunday, doing something (like a spiritual discipline) when you aren't feeling it is not hypocritical or unauthentic. It's an obedient and faithful effort.

2. Keep my areas and my home cleaner. Make my bed once a day (even if it's evening and I throw the covers on and toss pillows near the head), do dishes and pick up clothes/books once a day; sweep often.
...Walking into a smelly apartment yesterday was a wake up call. None of us have been living there for the past couple weeks and though a full garbage was what caught my attention first, my wake up call was to communicate. I need to communicate my living and cleanliness needs and I need to urge my roommates to do the same with me... because Lord knows I can be a messy ma'am. We're just trying to create a home here. All of us.
By the way, "sweep often" is on that list because we live in a tiny little kitchen and somehow, every day, it gets nasty.

3. Exercise 3-4 times a week and eat right (for me). Drink water, take supplements, go to the Chiropractor.
...I'm already struggling. Motivation is so hard to grab hold of in this area. But I've made it a real real goal, so I'm striving. I've got to take care of this temple.

4. Publish a book.
...I went on hiatus from writing the autobiography this semester (not surprisingly) and I've actually come up with some new ideas for a book. I'm not going professional with this thing; just looking to self-publish something on Lulu by the end of 2012. I really plan to make it happen! And you can bet I'll keep you all in the loop. {Or hey, maybe I'll keep it a major surprise! Ok, shh... forget everything I just said.}

5. Be there for Laura and Gracelynn.
...Gracelynn is my soon-to-be-here(!!!) neice. Gracelynn Noelle. I'm throwing a shower for Laura, I've committed myself to being available for assistance in labor and delivery, and I'll be nanying little G part time. I'm thrilled!

6. Get plugged into a new community after graduation.
...I'll most likely be moving into my parent's guest house (unless I get offered a great out-of-state job!) after I graduate and currently, I'm grappling between staying at my church or going to a new, nearer church with a better established college/career group.

7. Have a 3rd annual Sleighbell Sisters' Soiree.
...wrote about that here.

8. Travel (near or far).
...I've got friends and family in Canada, Africa, Minnesota, Colorado, NorCal, Chile, Turkey, Tennessee, Missouri... the list goes on and on (and gets longer as I age... wow, a whole future post there!). Plus, I just feel better when I'm traveling. I long to visit London for the summer Olympics, but I doubt that will really happen.

Those are my goals! It just so happens to be a coincidence that 8 is my favorite number and there are 8 tangible goals to work at this year. Good things always come in 8s for me... nothing superstitious there, just detailed and lovely.

Do you have 2012 goals? {Or I guess I'll hear your resolutions too... if resolutions work for you, more power to ya!}

Farewell, 2011.

I started reading through my 2011 journals a few days ago and I just had to stop myself. This year had some really heavy points... it wasn't until I was half way through my second journal (wrote 6 this year!) that I realized I was having a terrible time. Reading through prayer journals is always a bit taxing, but I realized this time that doing a full-blown annual reflection isn't a necessity every. single. year.

So after February, I read one entry from each month and kinda got the gist of my 2011 life. My attitude this week (before I sat down and did a proper mini 'reflection&thanks' session today) was "good riddance 2011!" But no way am I saying that now. Though I am eager to see 2011 go and 2012 come, I'm remembering some of the lessons God taught me this year and I'm realizing that they could not have been learned any other way.

In social news (or anti-social, you decide), I tried desperately to find New Year's Eve plans all week. I'm serious. I've exhausted just about every Southern California friend and connection I know trying to find something fun. I just wanted to wear my new purple dress, dance a little, and count down in a big crowd... but nothing came through, so I'm staying home and eating pizza with my parents. They birthed me and raised me so they are, in fact, worth hanging out with. Ok!

With all this said, finishing out another year has proven a little rougher than expected and I am ready for 2012. Ready to graduate and become a full-fledged adult.
Haha, is that what's gonna happen?
AND I happen to be incredibly grateful for the life God has given me. I'm grateful that he never sees any of my years as wasted. And I'm grateful for you, my readers. Thank you for reading and, in turn, offering me attention through awareness. You make writing for myHandH especially exciting for me!

Happy New Year, everyone.

Traditions?

Let's talk about Christmas traditions... I'll make a little list:

Putting out the needle-point nativity scene in the family room. Baby Jesus fits into Mary's belly and the angel doesn't stand by itself anywhere except on Mary's head (in the angel slot). When I was little I would act out the story and always fly the angel to the scene as the big finish... "And then the angel came back to join the party!" (plop into Mary's head).

And... that might be it.

What?! Well, our family does do a lot of the same Christmassy things every year. And to their credit, we put on a fab Christmas Day (sounds very commercial, but it's really not). But my point is this: we don't have many tangible traditions. You'll notice that even my nativity tradition was self-generated. I sometimes seem to be the only family member who cares to painstakingly keep traditions. {Sis just pointed out that I am blogging while they bake cookies though... so I'm red-handed too.} I'm the one who cried when my parents decided the tree should go in a different location one year. I beg my mom to read "The Night Before Christmas" every Christmas Eve, though she protests that I'm too old. I argue that it's for the benefit of all.

Ok, wow, my family is great. Magnificent. Don't mistake me there. But here's what I'm wondering: is it something about being a youngest child? Having a family that's a little more laid back in the tradition zone, my youngest child needs seem to really emerge at Christmas time. I need more hugs, I want more attention, (I count presents shhh)... I desperately care about keeping traditions. Does that fit? Maybe.

Whatever the case, I suppose I can look at it in a different way. Our family has a tradition of keeping Christmas flexible. There's joy and freedom in that. And Jesus is supposed to be (and is) the center anyways, so I guess flexible works. He brings the necessary structure that will never die.

I'm gonna go put up the needle point nativity and then join my family for whatever it is they're doing next.

Why I hate the enigmatic goodbye.

Today is my sister and brother-in-law's 5th wedding anniversary. A significant day for them, of course, but also one which holds huge memories for me. I was 16, she was beautiful, the night was cold... Trans-Siberian Orchestra played as she walked under the big sign I had decorated as the dutiful and smitten Maid of Honor... Becca sang, I fluffed the dress, and Laura & Oliver rightly stole the rest of the show.

And as much as I'm celebrating their love (and their coming baby) in my heart today, I'm gonna talk about me again. Is that ok? The day after the wedding was strange. Out-of-town relatives were still around, wedding gifts needed a home, there was so much leftover food, for some reason I had a ton of homework... and meanwhile, my brother and sister-in-law were celebrating their 6th month of marriage. That's right, I "lost" and "gained" all my siblings in one year. 2006 was year of the Wedding.

I'm about to attempt a connection. I'm not feeling really expressive today. I feel more like emotions are stuck, all pent-up somewhere deep in me. So here goes: I'm all "hoorah" for the end of the semester, but I'm dreading this weekend when the hype of graduation and last-week things are over. I have to say goodbye to two good friends today; two more tomorrow... all four of which are moving away for good, basically. I have to decide when I'm moving home (always feels super stupid to me to "move home" for 6 weeks). And I'm afraid that with all of these goodbyes and silly endings (some sillier than others... like~~what do I do with my Christmas tree?), closure will lack. Jesus has been teaching me that closure is not always necessary or even Biblical. But still, there's an anxiety in my heart to please everyone by being good at goodbyes and transition.

Ugh. I care about YOU. This isn't about me.