Good.

"Satisfactory in quantity, quality, or degree."
Yes, there has been plenty of quantity.
The quality has been superior to that of past encounters.
And the degree has been sweetly intense.
It's been good.
Good. The word I've used in failed attempts to encompass the character of God.
Good. The answer we give when passively asked how the day was.
A word so over-used,
Yet under-applied.
Good is flexible.
But right now, good is happy.
Good is experience and fruition and laughter.
Good is waking up and falling asleep pondering that joyful notion
That I've found something special.
He is good.

Cooking: spiritual?

I'm missing my kitchen at the Beachcomber...it's sort of where I learned to cook. Alex and Mindy, my dear roommates from that season of life came over the other night and asked me, "When exactly did you learn how to cook?" I had to think about it for a moment. My mom did teach me the basics of cooking...that mixing wet and dry ingredients separately really is important, that a nonstick pan must be treated with love, that a clean kitchen is a happy kitchen. I love my mom for frequently interrupting my culinary escapades with that non-verbal, yet very vocal sigh of concern. You may not think so, Mom. And I probably never appreciate it in the moment, when I'm trying to get something done the fast way rather than learn. But you are a teacher, in our home and by your soul.

And while I love the guidance lessons from Mom, when I think of how I really began to enjoy the art of cooking, I must must attribute this to the Lord. "I think the Holy Spirit taught me to cook", I told Alex and Mindy. As I've mentioned often here at myHandH, my experience of the Spirit of God is usually gradual, peaceful, and process-laden rather than extremely emotional or verbal or clear. So when I say that he taught me to cook, I can vividly remember coming home after long days of work or class and finding an inexplicable inner peace in experimenting with food. The non-spiritual would step in here and say that I taught myself to cook. However, I fully believe that God is present in our everyday. He often speaks to me most tenderly in the kitchen when I am alone, creating a new recipe, soaking in the quiet things of life. It is he who whispered, "My delight is in you!" as I discovered that a salad dressing needs 1 part acid to 2 parts fat...that natural sugar substitutes really can taste good...that meat can be tender without making you sick.

But here lies the problem: I want to be able to share this alluring art. I want to be so skilled and comfortable in the kitchen that I can easily and graciously and augustly guide my friends and guests through meal prep. And I believe that I will one day get to this place. I sure hope I will, at least. I've recently discovered new insecurities (huh all over the place, but let's just stay in the kitchen today) in sharing my passion with others. I know that one day, I will be a wife and mother and will have people running around, leaving me with but a trace of those precious memories of solitude at my college apartment. I will gain the skill of multitasking in time, I really will. If you've followed my tone up to this point, you're getting that cooking is more than just a necessity for me. It's a creative outlet and a spiritual exercise at which I hope to always be improving. But I must remember that wifehood and motherhood are not here yet.

Cooking may not be as much of a solitary activity for me anymore. And while I despise the learning curve in anything that I fancy myself "good at", there is grace and there is still (usually) a tasty meal at the end of the experience. I can still slip away and cook in silence, though I'm learning to love having others around me. I'm finding my place in this new season of life. My place as a daughter, an independent woman, a friend...and I am blessed to say that cooking is a part of each of my roles. May it be that I again hear the Lord so truthfully whispering over my heart: "I delight in your learning! I delight in your efforts!" Because he really, really does.

Of bodies and trends...

Can we talk about the body? I don't mean the body of Christ. I mean our bodies: those physical things in which we all live.

I have a very average sized body. I am of average height. In fact, according to Epcot at Disney World, 5'6" is the average size of a woman throughout the world. {I remember learning this when I was 14 and the only thing that interested me about my family's road trip through Florida was it's end at Disney World. Boy, did I soak it all up.} Actually, I'm a bit tall for an American woman, but in Norway, Slovenia, or Austria, I'd be the average Jane (according to "human height" by Wikipedia). I am also of average weight.

(Accept it, self. just drink that in.)

So, can someone tell me why this girl of average height and weight cannot find clothes that fit? Yesterday, I found myself at one of my least favorite stores: Forever21. I couldn't quite remember why it was a least favorite...was it because it's way too trendy for my classical style? Or because they blast their music too loudly? Or because the options are overwhelming and insurmountable? Maybe...but then I got to the dressing room and remembered. Certain stores simply do not make clothes for average sized women. One either must be miniature, with not a curve on her body, or have a perfectly proportioned full-figure. I am neither of these things. I am right smack in the middle of this spectrum, as are MANY OF THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD.

Don't let me bore you with my rant because it's going somewhere productive (I hope). Not only am I saddened by the cheap materials, outsourced labor, and overall quality used by massive trend-stores. I am saddened by the scripture found on the bottom of Forever21's bags. John 3:16 is a completely life-giving, truth-filled scripture and I find myself paradoxically struggling to find life and truth when I am in a place that promotes trend and trend only. Ironically enough, I was even wearing the one thing I do own from this store when I walked in yesterday. I had bought this pink dress a few years ago and guess what: I felt totally...let's just say "not with the times" in it. That's how quickly trends come and go!

Forgive me, Forever21 lovers and employees alike because it is not one person or idea with which I'm angry. I'm not even angry. I simply need to get it out in the open that average women need more. More than just trend. More than just affordable prices. We need something that makes us feel beautiful, not just "with it". Am I right?

Perhaps I should pursue my recently-awash dream of shopping thrift stores and American-made clothes only...or start sewing my own threads. Well neither of these are likely to happen and I know that I know that I will step foot into a trendy store again at least once in my life. I probably just need to be more prepared.

This all makes me wonder if there will be shopping on the new earth...I hope to God that there won't.

Independencia

{the BIG frames}

Well, I suppose it's time. Time to get some of my lofty ideas down on *paper*...

I am currently in a state of trying to distinguish between summer and life. Now that I've graduated, my life for the next few years or so is expected to be as it's been for this first month of freedom. However, I know things will change and I know I will get into more of a routine once regular work picks up...so I am trying my best to embrace this summer break, as it were, so that I am refreshed for whatever that new pace may end up being. Do you follow? It can be hard not knowing...

Nonetheless, I am endlessly enjoying my life in the garden, my life of stories, my life as a nanny. And last weekend, I was given the opportunity to stay at a beach resort by myself. I could have taken a friend, but I quite honestly desired the alone time {even though these weeks in which I'm dwelling are nothing BUT alone time, as my family is overseas}...I struggled with knowing whether my quick decisions about solitary activities were healthy. This is how the process looked:

I wonder if I'm really ok being "the confident" woman some may see me as. Am I? Jetting down to a beach resort because it's free and there and I totally have the time right now...and yes, I almost feel that it would be more enjoyable alone.
I'm the girl who lived in two places at once to keep myself sane during a hectic semester...the girl who hikes down the mountain, away from her friends, to eat a $10 veggie platter at the Ahwahni...the girl who very quickly chose the BIG glasses frames, thinking she could pull them off.
So much of me is independent...and while I am good with this, I don't really want to be taking pride in it, nor do I want to suffer loneliness because of it.
Lord, would you show me where to place my independence in my walk with you? And would you remind me that it is a walk with you...thank you for guiding me through these thoughts.

So here I sit, another day off and another day for job searching, garden growing, and story emerging...and all the while, I have *independently* made myself busy with quite a few social engagements this week because, hey it's good for me, says my walking companion.

What I'm Into, June 2012

I'm back! Not feeling in the mood to recap an entire two months or so, I'll just offer the basics: I am a B.A. or, I have a BA at least. And I moved into my new 'cottage' in the backyard of my parents' house. This evening, I think I'll do a "What I'm Into" to get back in the swing of things.

So, June 2012~ WHAT I'M INTO

On my nightstand: Just finished "Fairest" and am making my way through a couple other half-finished FUN books from January or so. My new nightstand has a fabulous lamp...I haven't had a bed-side lamp in a while.

TV show worth watching: Ooo, I am currently into Bunheads, Tia & Tamara, Touch, and The Next Food Network Star. Summer! Time for TV!

Movie I've seen: A Hallmark Hall of fame (aka, still cheesy but not as lame as regular Hallmark movies) called Firelight.

In my kitchen: The beginnings of PRODUCE. That's right, the yard is just starting to explode with fresh apricots, tomatoes, zucchini, and green beans.

In my ears: CDs, for I have a new(ish) car and found a fascinating CD collection that's kept my ears busy for a while...Laura Hackett, Civil Wars, Natalie MacMasters...

...I'm just dying to say, "Come and get it, boys!"

Yeah. There are some questionable connotations to that statement. It's just my silly exclamation that the dating fast is over. However, no exclamation point needed, for it's an anticlimactic finish and I knew it would be. I had no dates planned on May 1st; I did not wear anything extra special to draw attention. No, no. This was not the break-fast I was even going for.

Sure, there's a really quiet, subtle disappointment that nothing magical happened on the day I was "free" to date anyone I pleased. But mostly, I've been sitting in a state of matter-of-fact gratitude for the lessons I've learned over the past three months. And I mean to share those lessons with you!

I've learned that I must kick this habit: giving in to my compulsion to initiate. I am an activator by nature and have said this before: flakiness kills me. If we're going to hang out, let's decide when (right now). However, I know I need to leave lots of room for being pursued because I know that I must marry a man who is also a strong initiator.

I need to pray more. I want to pray more. I also want to obtain a higher level of confidence in my hobbies and talents, especially in regards to the home (because hi, I am passionate about the home).

I apparently need to find an individual who is diligent, who laughs a lot (at himself and at me when I am my unconventional self), who is open to health consciousness and not afraid of whole wheat flour or real butter, and who is theologically kind. I say apparently because these are characteristics that came to my mind throughout the fast.

I've left a lot out.

I do not want this to sound like a personal add.

But these are just a few of the many discoveries I've made about my own needs and desires over this three month period. I'm glad to be done writing about my love life because for the few posts that I did, it felt very unnatural and vulnerable. (Can you hear my wobbly voice?) Thanks to the girls and kind people who supported me in this unexciting, yet important fast.

I got a vision!

This title is emphatic. This title is charismatic. This title is not me.

But then again, it so is. It feels unnatural for me to say, "I got a vision." However, there is truth in the statement because about one month ago, as I was writing, I received a very vivid picture-analogy for the tone of this season and the next in my life. In my blogger bio (insert right arrow), you'll see that I've found God speaks to me as I write. More than that, though, I recognize God's voice in my life through any sort of process. As I write, as I speak to others, and as I talk myself through something, his marvelous wisdom sometimes peaks through and I'll catch myself feeling astounded that "I" just made that connection or said that insightful thing. I struggle in communicating this notion because it sounds so special; it even sounds prideful. That is probably my own insecurity speaking, though. Nonetheless, I'd like to counter this discovery by listing all the ways I've not experienced the Holy Spirit speaking to me. He usually does not speak to me when I sit quietly with my Bible open, or when I close my eyes and wait for an answer to a specific question, or through signs or wonders or songs or poetry. Usually, that's not the case. It's process that my soul responds to so well and I've found comfort in this. I am humbled by this too because who am I (??) to be the vessel of God's voice in my own life? I know I am unworthy, holy God. You are too good.

With that said, if you buy it (because I'm still afraid that people won't for some reason), I'd like to share one of the beautiful things God revealed to me. I had an idea for a piece of writing actually. I was feeling sarcastic and fed up and just blurted out something like: "It's as if I'm on these starting blocks for a race and I'm the only one who can't handle running!" Moments later, I was in my journal, scribbling this analogy when something in my spirit was calmed and truth began to emerge. The shift proved heavenly and my tone for the coming seasons took shape. Join me, if you would:

March 19, 2012: "I've got to say this season, this last semester of college, is strange. I feel like I'm in perpetual pre-transition...and I guess I am, really. I feel like I'm positioned on the starting blocks for my life's race and when graduation day hits, the gun will go off and...
and I'll start my slow, steady walk. I'll be walking and I fear that people around me will be running, sprinting! I'll be looking over my shoulder, asking the coach, "Really? This is the plan? I'm doing everything right?" I'll look down at my hands; I'll touch my face just to make sure it's all real.
I just pray that I find other walkers. I want to find others who are waiting on careers, working for money, maybe living with their parents again too. And I hope that in my steady pace, you equip me with enough strength and joy to celebrate with those friends who will be running...
running because they have solid jobs, or cool internships, or marriage to jump into. May you use me in this coming season? May I meet interesting, worldly people at a fulfilling job; people who need to meet you? May you give me space in my walk to come in behind younger women and help them in their race?
...And maybe (literally) I'll finally take up regular walking again. And crocheting and book-writing.
And may I not get lost in today's season. May I remember that I'm not actually just sitting at starting blocks, waiting for something to happen. I'm actually jogging toward those blocks as I faithfully finish up school work. So please remind me of your presence and make it real to me, Jesus. Thank you for this picture. So much.
Amen."

I'm still saying thank you. I'm even going to try to get some visual representation of this picture to put in my new home so that on the extra slow, confusing days, I'm reminded that there is purpose in the walk. Hallelujah!

The One Day Testimony

Never in my history of blogging have I ever let this much time pass between posts! I guess this graduating senior gig is the real deal. I've already written 29 papers this semester. Just this semester; yikes.

So what to update? I could tell you about my niece and how amazing it is to watch a little one grow so quickly. Or I could tell you about the dating fast and how though I've been grateful for its place in my life, I don't feel that it coming to an end on April 30th is all that significant in any way. Or I could spill my insecurities about how sharing a less-than-thrilling post college plan with people on a daily basis has been. Or, I could tell you my testimony.

Because testimony, as defined by the dictionary, is "evidence in support of a fact or statement; proof." "Evidence of what, ma'am?", one may ask (because all inquirers who live in my mind are quaintly cordial). Well, evidence of the Christian life I live. As my dear Marianna once advised me, my testimony does not have to be the story of how I came to faith every time. Because believe it or not, I have trouble telling that story. Since so much of my story is wrapped around a sub-plot of battles in emotional turmoil that I've yet to come to complete terms with, I struggle to give a good ending. And Lord knows a good ending is so important in my stories. Marianna taught me that my testimony can be the story of my day. Hey! It's evidence in support of the fact that I am saved by a gracious Jesus; proof that when I lack the energy necessary for believing that God will give my overarching testimony a good ending, my testimony for today is quite enough.

So today, my testimony is this:

I've been drinking less coffee than usual over the past couple of days. For some reason this is encouraging to me. I laughed at work and got sassy with a friend who could take it. We expressed our mutual appreciation for one another and got real honest about the University's proposed code of conduct. As it turns out, we'd love to abide by about 95% of our contract, but when put in contract form, oh(!) does it push out buttons. Sass, you see. I had insightful things to say in each of my classes today. I'm six weeks away from freedom, yet I reached somewhere inward and found that there is a vigor for learning in me. Again, encouraging. I took advantage of a jet lagged friend and got slap happy over something totally neutral in humor. I cooked a delicious burrito with just a tad too much cayenne for dinner. I baked whole wheat chocolate chip cookies and had a spontaneous, yet much needed skype conversation. And you see, in this day, my Father was entirely present. He sent his Spirit to meet me in the art gallery when I needed a breather from theological conversation. He spoke through me as I helped students find lost items at work. He directed my evening away from study, as I had planned, and toward an appropriate respite.

It's my one day testimony, you see.

Aunthood

We've had a baby! Well, I have not had a baby, but there is a new baby in our family: my sister and brother-in-laws' Gracelynn Noelle. She is tiny and so sweet and I love her to pieces.

Being an auntie for the third time around has been thus far a remarkable experience. I've been looking forward to the arrival of my new little friend for quite some time now. I knew I'd be able to count on lots of joy and snuggles. And now that she's here, I have a whole lot more respect for my sis and her husband for all the work that is involved in new parenting. It's an all-consuming job. So much revolves around such a small, small person. It's amazing though.

And with that work in mind, I can truly say that I'm grateful for the season of life in which I stand (sit...or should I say rock?). With a sister eight and a half years older than myself, we've always been in different seasons from one another. I would admit, though, that with the coming baby I was afraid of jealousy that might spring up...afraid of an unquenchable desire for motherhood that may arise from experiencing my niece. However, that is not the case. I love being with her; being with them. But I also love my independence. I've realized that I am not ready to be a mother right now. And ouch how that hurts to write...but I know it's true. Motherhood is for me, absolutely. But motherhood is for me somewhere down the line, not today.

Aunthood is something special, something sweet. And I am so set to enjoy it fully.

Picture: We celebrated Gracelynn's first St. Patrick's Day in "My Auntie/Niecie is Awesome" shirts.

Wake up and smell the freesias.

Greetings. I've been away for good reason: productivity. Long story short, I had a mid-semester melt down and realized some things needed to GO if I was ever going to finish what I'd set out to do. (Said that last phrase in my head with an air of Julia Child.)

8 classes, 22 units. It's a lot...so I decided not to watch TV. Duh, right? Well, it took some gentle prompting from the Holy Spirit for me to realize that TV was a waste of time in this season. He is so good, our God. A breath.

So I've been doing a lot of homework! And guess what. I've been enjoying some of it, particularly my reading for American Lit II. My Bildungsroman class, I like to call it. My new nightly ritual is: work 'til 9:00 or so, grab a bit of dessert, light the lavender candle, and read from one of my Anthologies 'til I doze off. It's been working out marvelously since I need to get reading done anyhow and knew that when I gave up TV, I would have to replace it with some other relaxing evening-time activity. I am thankful, very thankful.

And I've been absolutely captured by good writing. I always derive great joy from a well-put-together sentence (unlike this particular one). Last week, I finished Willa Cather's "My Antonia" and fell in love with the farm. This week is Nella Larsen's "Quicksand" and I'm really connecting with the writing style. I read this sentence yesterday and clutched my heart. This is how I feel about spring!

"Little by little the signs of spring appeared, but strangely the enchantment of the season, so enthusiastically, so lavishly greeted by the gay dwellers of Harlem, filled her only with restlessness. Somewhere, within her, in a deep recess, crouched discontent."
Chapter IX.

And though my heart-clutch was one of joy in connecting to a character, the sentiment with which I agreed was a sad one indeed. Oh Helga Crane, I get you. The new life of spring is so heavy, isn't it?

And so I am inspired. I am inspired to write with more imagery. I am inspired to pay attention to my surroundings, and to take more photos, and to share with you what I see. So today, this is where I sit:

My old, provided-with-the-apartment kitchen table resembles a tie dye T-shirt one might make at summer camp. The "What is that, formica?", lifts off the simple plywood structure here and there, telling the story of the many souls who have used this kitchen for their 9-month school term. But the plants and the light and the good coffee make up for the drab table. For the yellow, fuchsia, red, and purple freesias I brought home from dinner at my Nana's last night sit contently in a mason jar, promising that this spring won't be all bad. They smell sweet, but they tickle my allergies just enough for noticing. My succulents in their yellow pot give me hope that I can keep a plant alive; maybe I will be a good parent. Books stacked up just beyond my inviting computer tell me that it's Friday. There is time to sit before I work...time to write and enjoy the coffee from a Disney Princess mug before it gets altogether too juvenile for me. The coffee is cold, but it will soon be refilled and fragrant again. My ESV version of the Word, Therapeutic Techniques text, and "Encountering Theology of Mission" tell the story of my mixed collegiate studies. I feel comfortable in my long peasant skirt-dress as I dream of cooking through "The Epicurean". Some dissatisfied girl downstairs whines though, unaware that her complaints are being published. She needs the gate opened. Oh, listen, a kind fellow answers her call. A deep breath brings me back to my kitchen: now crumby, asking to be cleaned. By Sunday, we will all have done our chores and she will smile again. My "Miss. Austen's quiet sounds" playlist sings and I am filled with peace. These are the sensations that make up my morning.

May you find something good to read this weekend and take a moment to notice your surroundings.

It's for the Ladies.

Dear [insert endearing nickname here],

How was your Valentine's Day? Did you have a Valentine? Did she dress cute and draw compliments from your lips about how she was the loveliest of all girls yesterday? Did you have fun? Or were you alone? I prayed for you yesterday...and so did your future sister-in-law. She probably prayed specifically, while I prayed more generally (because it takes a lot of emotional stability to pray with focus for things you don't yet have). Something like, "Oh Lord, be with him. Let us find one another."

I, for one, knew that Valentine's Day #22 would be a go-alone. I knew because of the fast...but this foreknowledge somehow made the lovey-dovey day easier. It's as if I had told myself, "Nothing is going to happen this year. Delight in the personal traditions you love, be a girl, and keep busy." And I did. I kept very busy with my personal Valentine's traditions.

You see, when we do find one another, I may not be totally into the whole Valentine's Day thing all that much. I may view it as a day for ministering to single women because I received some blessed ministry from my sister and brother-in-law last night. Our breakfast-for-dinner PJ party was the perfect end to my *celebration of all things girly* day. Here's how it went:

First, the outfit. Oh the outfit. You can tell by walking around and perusing colors which girls are having good Valentine's Days...and which ones are either in denial or in mourning. But my outfit was jeans, pink and purple tweed pumps, a pink sweater, and heart jewelry. Breakfast was sausage and an egg, sunny-side up in the shape of a heart. I broke away from some dietary limits yesterday and allowed myself 1 tasty coffee beverage and 1 tasty dessert. This was in the plan. So a mocha was in hand as I slipped into work 5 minutes early. I found a great fine-tipped fuchsia sharpie that I used throughout my shift and enjoyed holiday festivities at the workplace. Classes went on as usual, but then came the PJ party. All the good breakfast foods, lots of pink, Glee, and flourless chocolate cupcakes (recipe here)...but most importantly, the company of a loving couple and another fab single lady. We even saw an appearance by Mom and Dad who dropped by bearing gifts.

So you see, I'd love to go out with you and celebrate our love together on future Valentine's Days...but you may have to just accept that fact that I've gone through a lot of personal formation in February 14ths past and I may need some time to just be a girl on those days. I will; we will minister to single individuals on Valentine's Days...because I know what it feels like for someone to look over and notice that I'm alone again. And to reach out and love me there. What beauty.
I love you. Well...I'll one day love you, that's for sure. And you'll one day read this and hopefully agree that Valentine's Day is for the ladies. See you some day.

Love,
Christine

Love life? ...you really goin' there?

Why yes I am. I'm about to talk about my love life.

Kind of.

More like my lack of a love life. And I say this phrase without (outright) bitterness because, as I mentioned a week ago, I've embarked on an intentional three month dating fast. Through life circumstances and friendly advise from true friends and prayer and a "what the heck" attitude, I've decided that this would be best for me at my point in life. The point in life where I looked, as a dazzley-eyed fourteen year old and thought, "by the time I'm graduating from college, I'll be engaged to the man of my dreams and I'll be married by 22." 22 was always my number...I decided upon 22 when I was about 10. It seemed like a great age to get married. And many people I know are following their own "22" time-lines. But it's not happening to me. 22 may actually come and go without any love action whatsoever. Am I ok with that?

Not really. Oh boy, no...to the point where, over the past couple of years, I have intentionally searched for love. Looking around every corner and falling into that Christian womanly accursed stereotype of seeing every male as a potential mate. It's shameful to admit this, but I do so all the same because I know many, many women can agree and relate. We have guy friends, sure. But what we see is potential. It's a sad, sick reality that I'd love to get over but am not sure I can by sheer willpower.

And I've been hurt. I mean, generally and specifically. My own devises have left me lacking in the kind of love old Christian couples talk about...that kind of eternal friendship we're all longing after. But more specifically, I'm like Gigi from "He's just not that into you." I fancy myself confident and bold (which is true of me), but when I get hurt, I take it hard and hit low lows to the extent of the highs at which I aimed.

I was at this point about a month ago where I started saying to close friends: "I've come to the conclusion that I just have the worst timing, the worst luck, the worst taste in men!" And those very friends laughed and assured me that I wasn't crazy...but I think they partially agreed with me too. Maybe not about the luck, or even the taste. But the timing.

So it's time for a break. Over the next three months, I will be exploring (on my own, and maybe with readers) things like:
Why are certain qualities in men truly attractive and what makes me over-accepting of those qualities which aren't?
Do I really love and trust God enough to be ok with 10 or 15 more years of the single life?
HOW do I gain more contentment and joy in my life with Jesus?
What kind of a man do I really want to marry?

And I will be attempting a greater level of close relationship with my creator, as I strive after the truth found in Hebrews 10:22-
"...let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water."

Thanks for reading and considering my journey with an open mind of your own. More to come.

Middle-of-the-Pyramid Update

I'm calling this my middle-of-the-pyramid update because since this post, I've been eating LOTS of fruits and veggies.

No physical, emotional, or spiritual improvements from the yeast free diet as of yet. Ha. But my doctor did encourage me to focus on the foods I can have rather than those I can't. So here is a list of foods I've been enjoying for the past two weeks:

Mexican! It's surprisingly easy to do a yeast free burrito with my brown rice tortillas.

Almond milk. Gross if not refrigerated or if sipped alone, but in a cold smoothie, it really does the trick.

Oh yes, smoothies. For snacks and desserts... as a filling dessert, I've been doing frozen banana, peanut butter, cocoa powder, and almond milk in beverage-form.

Gluten free crackers.

Chocolate sweetened with beets! {Found, of course, at the one. the only. Trader Joe's!}

Farmer's marked fruits.

Itallian sausage, onions and peppers, quinoa (this was my dinner tonight).

Some days have been miserable. I am so grateful to have all the food I need in life... to live in a country where trying a diet like this is possible. But it has not been very fun. Drastically changing the way I eat begs me to pay attention to what physical desires are saying about my heart's condition. However, there is grace and I am clinging to it tightly, because never have I had so much respect for something as seemingly simple as a diet!

What I'm Into-Jan '12

I've been inspired by my bloggy friend, Megan (if you haven't seen SortaCrunchy, you haven't thoroughly experienced the mom-blog scene)... she does a "what I'm into" post each month and I find her categories inspiring. So I'll use her format as my prompt and hopefully bring you some interesting tid-bits at the end of each month this year!

What I'm into (or was into) this January, 2012:

On my nightstand: are no books... I don't keep books on my nightstand, nor do I have time for free reading right now. I did, however, recently start a reread of To Kill a Mockingbird; one of my favorites! I'm mostly reading out of my Norton Anthologies for a Lit class I'm desperately trying to finish. On my nightstand are a water bottle, vanilla candle, almond & pistachio milk lotion, and picture frame.

TV show worth watching: Once Upon a Time, Parenthood, and New Girl are back! Pan Am is also back, but I've been a little less captured by it this month.

Movie I've seen: My roommates and I started a LOTR "marathon"... we'll be stretching it out over a few weekends, so I don't know if you could really call it a marathon. It is my favorite movie series and always has been. So many spiritual analogies and so much to savor each time you watch!

In my kitchen: wheat free, sugar free everything... lots and lots of fruits and veggies. And meat! Today, I went to the farmer's market and got red potatoes, strawberries, apples, and cucumbers. Yum.

In my ears: Coldplay and other familiar comfort tunes.

What I'm looking forward to next month: The beginning of my 3 month dating fast. I'll definitely be writing about this as it may be the only actual fun aspect of the experience!

...and that's what I was into this month. Happy February, everyone!

Gluten free has got nothin' on yeast free!

That's right.

Quick update from last post: I am working on bigger and better things for myHandH... maybe a new location, maybe just a new title... it's all very behind-the-scenes at this point.

And while behind-the-scenes happens, I am here to share about my new diet. I feel like I need to say, "That's right", again because me and diet don't really go together.

This is not a weight loss diet, though I probably will slim down from its potency. I've been going to a homeopathic chiropractor for the past six months or so. She has served as a chiropractor, nutritionist, and sort of lifestyle coach to me. Sometimes I roll my eyes at her and protest that her ideas will not work. But my immune system has been seriously strengthened because of the supplements she has me on and my headaches have all but disappeared since I've started getting adjusted regularly. Since the beginning of our time together she had been warning me that eventually, she wanted to take me off of sugar completely.

This was that week of confrontation. To make a long story short, she got my attention and made me realize that if I didn't at least try her diet plan for me, I would never see the positive effects of it. So here is the diet:

Yeast free! Which means:
No wheat.
No sugar.
No dairy.

The idea is that yeast builds up in our systems and since I struggle with health-related issues such as chronic fatigue, acne, and mood swings (which yeast build up is said to bring on or contribute to), I am a perfect candidate for the program. Yeast feeds on sugar, its favorite food and since the yeast already lives in my body, I have to get rid of it.

Well, when I left her office, I cried and said to myself, "A life without milk and sugar is not a life I'm interested in living!" Seriously, I said that. But in the past few days, I've been praying for the Lord to change my heart and help me to crave healthy foods that would fit in this diet. I also felt that I could give myself permission to ease into this huge undertaking. So this week, I'm doing no wheat and no added sugar (meaning I'm still allowing myself honey and agave, but no actual sugar-as-an-ingredient). If all goes well, I'll think about reducing dairy.

Grocery shopping for this project was fun. I went to my (favorite) Trader Joe's, of course. I bought things like:

Brown rice tortillas
Bell peppers, bananas, green beans... lots of veggies
Meat! ...though I need to buy more because this is now a major food group. Why does meat have to be so expensive?
Hummus
Corn tortilla chips and salsa

So this is my plan. I will be kind to myself as I see how my body takes to these new foods. I will stave off cravings with will power and good snacks. And if I fail, I will have at least tried really, really hard.

More to come!

Focus.

I've been on writing hiatus for no particular reason other than I've lacked inspiration. And I've been listening to this podcast where a professional entrepreneur blogger hosts other professional entrepreneur bloggers... they talk about the books their writing and how tough it is to be a mom while pursuing these careers. And I'm being lazy, not mentioning any names because I don't feel like linking to the podcast even though it's great. I'm just having that slow, tired, want-my-morning feeling. And because of these influencing mom bloggers, I've felt (I suppose) a little inadequate. Like, "Ok I'm not a mom, so why am I SO interested in these bloggers?", and, "Wow, myHandH has no direction... I just write about whatever comes to mind."

I've been thinking about ways to bring a greater focus to my blog. "Young Adult Christian Living in a Creative World"? That's the most compelling idea I have so far. If I keep all posts centered around that theme, maybe I'll reclaim the drive I once knew. Another reason I feel urgency to focus is because of my book project... remember back in May I announced that I'll be writing a book? {Sorry, but you'll have to forgive the very-specific-to-this-decade no link mood I'm in again.} Well it happened upon me that no one will be interested in buying or even reading a book that has no focus, no theme.

Young adult
Christian
living
in a Creative world...

I really want to add green living to the mix as well, but I suppose creation care could fit into "Christian" or "living"... and then there's homemaking, hmm. It's a process. I'll be back soon with a vision.

Fuel

Pain is fuel.

I just got finished with a wonderful conversation with my mentor who articulated for me the feeling I'm facing. That is, feeling like I'm back in "the same place" again. And she offered me a beautiful illustration...

In contrast to a 'round and 'round farris wheel, the journey of life experiences is actually more like a trail through a diverse forest. Some spots are beautifully lit and full of mushrooms and owls and farriers and all those romantic things I believe to inhabit a forest. Other patches are dark and full of scary corner turning, peering, and running away from the big-BAD-...something. And sometimes I do feel like I'm in the same spot I was in 6 months ago or a year ago.

But I'm not.

It's impossible to be in the same place. Not with our God; not with the growth and work he does in lives. I'm further down the trail, but the bending and winding has brought me back to the same view. Everything around looks the same as it did during that terrible tragedy or that averse heartbreak, but I am not in the same place. And I might just be brought back to this view again, but then I'll be even further along.

So I've decided that heartache is fuel because I am in a different part of my life's path... and though I hurt over harsh stuff that throws itself on me in that life forest, I'm motivated to move. To keep moving down the path and into the next thing. That is, after I sit here and look at this all-too-familiar view for a few days.

Opener Highway

I don't like feeling irritable. Who does? I need a place to appropriately release the crabby. Hello blogosphere! {Feel free to click away... though I promise I'll try not to cross over into actual complaining.}

Synonyms for "irritable":
1. snappish, petulant, resentful.

Resentful? I don't know about that one, but snappish and petulant? Absolutely. I often get this way when I have too much expendable time on my hands.

Everyone is talking about Tim Tebow today and I'm just not on that band wagon. What's up?
I made my youtube debut with a cover of Green Eyes this afternoon... after HOURS of recording and re-taking and sound-checking (for which I feel useless... I want to play with real sound equipment) and it just wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. I had to end my time with the webcam saying "ok" to imperfection and though that sounds really insightful and mature, I'm not yet feeling the resolution.
I know there's a place for dry prayers; I accept this. But I sit down to pray with Jesus and feel like the weight of the world is hovering above my shoulders somewhere. {It's not on my shoulders, for I'm not in despair, but it's hovering right around there, all foggy and such.}

So.

I'm going on a road trip. I don't know that this is the answer for all irritability, but it's an answer that works for me right now. I'm going to escape the weird, snappish petulance and spend some time with friends. Or not. I'm going to spend a lot of time driving, that's for sure. I'm going to see a new area, catch up with chums, and BE away.

I tried to write a new song last week and came up with a satisfying first verse and chorus:

It's like I'm on a road
of so many speed bumps and stop signs,
like I'm driving quite slow
in a vehicle of clumsiest kinds.

When will I get to opener highway?
When will I throw my arm out the window?
When will I see wild horsies and cows play?
When will I, satisfied, lay down my head on my pillow?

Yes, opener highway is what I'm after. Hallelujah for parents who are letting me borrow their good car so I don't have to take the one {Shamu} "of clumsiest kinds".

Goals, not Resolutions

Resolutions are hard to keep... and resolving to change is quite extreme; rigid. However, I know that I need goals come every new year for the sake of who I am and how I function, so I've taken some time to set mine.

2012! This year, I want to...

1. Be a prayerful woman. Pray every day and when it gets hard or boring, pray a little more. When my feet hit the ground in the morning, Satan says, "Oh crap. She's up."
...I mentioned somewhere in here that spirituality has been tough lately. But praying a little more is what I'm gonna do. Because, as I was reminded in church on Sunday, doing something (like a spiritual discipline) when you aren't feeling it is not hypocritical or unauthentic. It's an obedient and faithful effort.

2. Keep my areas and my home cleaner. Make my bed once a day (even if it's evening and I throw the covers on and toss pillows near the head), do dishes and pick up clothes/books once a day; sweep often.
...Walking into a smelly apartment yesterday was a wake up call. None of us have been living there for the past couple weeks and though a full garbage was what caught my attention first, my wake up call was to communicate. I need to communicate my living and cleanliness needs and I need to urge my roommates to do the same with me... because Lord knows I can be a messy ma'am. We're just trying to create a home here. All of us.
By the way, "sweep often" is on that list because we live in a tiny little kitchen and somehow, every day, it gets nasty.

3. Exercise 3-4 times a week and eat right (for me). Drink water, take supplements, go to the Chiropractor.
...I'm already struggling. Motivation is so hard to grab hold of in this area. But I've made it a real real goal, so I'm striving. I've got to take care of this temple.

4. Publish a book.
...I went on hiatus from writing the autobiography this semester (not surprisingly) and I've actually come up with some new ideas for a book. I'm not going professional with this thing; just looking to self-publish something on Lulu by the end of 2012. I really plan to make it happen! And you can bet I'll keep you all in the loop. {Or hey, maybe I'll keep it a major surprise! Ok, shh... forget everything I just said.}

5. Be there for Laura and Gracelynn.
...Gracelynn is my soon-to-be-here(!!!) neice. Gracelynn Noelle. I'm throwing a shower for Laura, I've committed myself to being available for assistance in labor and delivery, and I'll be nanying little G part time. I'm thrilled!

6. Get plugged into a new community after graduation.
...I'll most likely be moving into my parent's guest house (unless I get offered a great out-of-state job!) after I graduate and currently, I'm grappling between staying at my church or going to a new, nearer church with a better established college/career group.

7. Have a 3rd annual Sleighbell Sisters' Soiree.
...wrote about that here.

8. Travel (near or far).
...I've got friends and family in Canada, Africa, Minnesota, Colorado, NorCal, Chile, Turkey, Tennessee, Missouri... the list goes on and on (and gets longer as I age... wow, a whole future post there!). Plus, I just feel better when I'm traveling. I long to visit London for the summer Olympics, but I doubt that will really happen.

Those are my goals! It just so happens to be a coincidence that 8 is my favorite number and there are 8 tangible goals to work at this year. Good things always come in 8s for me... nothing superstitious there, just detailed and lovely.

Do you have 2012 goals? {Or I guess I'll hear your resolutions too... if resolutions work for you, more power to ya!}

Farewell, 2011.

I started reading through my 2011 journals a few days ago and I just had to stop myself. This year had some really heavy points... it wasn't until I was half way through my second journal (wrote 6 this year!) that I realized I was having a terrible time. Reading through prayer journals is always a bit taxing, but I realized this time that doing a full-blown annual reflection isn't a necessity every. single. year.

So after February, I read one entry from each month and kinda got the gist of my 2011 life. My attitude this week (before I sat down and did a proper mini 'reflection&thanks' session today) was "good riddance 2011!" But no way am I saying that now. Though I am eager to see 2011 go and 2012 come, I'm remembering some of the lessons God taught me this year and I'm realizing that they could not have been learned any other way.

In social news (or anti-social, you decide), I tried desperately to find New Year's Eve plans all week. I'm serious. I've exhausted just about every Southern California friend and connection I know trying to find something fun. I just wanted to wear my new purple dress, dance a little, and count down in a big crowd... but nothing came through, so I'm staying home and eating pizza with my parents. They birthed me and raised me so they are, in fact, worth hanging out with. Ok!

With all this said, finishing out another year has proven a little rougher than expected and I am ready for 2012. Ready to graduate and become a full-fledged adult.
Haha, is that what's gonna happen?
AND I happen to be incredibly grateful for the life God has given me. I'm grateful that he never sees any of my years as wasted. And I'm grateful for you, my readers. Thank you for reading and, in turn, offering me attention through awareness. You make writing for myHandH especially exciting for me!

Happy New Year, everyone.