Friday, February 10, 2012

Love life? really goin' there?

Why yes I am. I'm about to talk about my love life.

Kind of.

More like my lack of a love life. And I say this phrase without (outright) bitterness because, as I mentioned a week ago, I've embarked on an intentional three month dating fast. Through life circumstances and friendly advise from true friends and prayer and a "what the heck" attitude, I've decided that this would be best for me at my point in life. The point in life where I looked, as a dazzley-eyed fourteen year old and thought, "by the time I'm graduating from college, I'll be engaged to the man of my dreams and I'll be married by 22." 22 was always my number...I decided upon 22 when I was about 10. It seemed like a great age to get married. And many people I know are following their own "22" time-lines. But it's not happening to me. 22 may actually come and go without any love action whatsoever. Am I ok with that?

Not really. Oh boy, the point where, over the past couple of years, I have intentionally searched for love. Looking around every corner and falling into that Christian womanly accursed stereotype of seeing every male as a potential mate. It's shameful to admit this, but I do so all the same because I know many, many women can agree and relate. We have guy friends, sure. But what we see is potential. It's a sad, sick reality that I'd love to get over but am not sure I can by sheer willpower.

And I've been hurt. I mean, generally and specifically. My own devises have left me lacking in the kind of love old Christian couples talk about...that kind of eternal friendship we're all longing after. But more specifically, I'm like Gigi from "He's just not that into you." I fancy myself confident and bold (which is true of me), but when I get hurt, I take it hard and hit low lows to the extent of the highs at which I aimed.

I was at this point about a month ago where I started saying to close friends: "I've come to the conclusion that I just have the worst timing, the worst luck, the worst taste in men!" And those very friends laughed and assured me that I wasn't crazy...but I think they partially agreed with me too. Maybe not about the luck, or even the taste. But the timing.

So it's time for a break. Over the next three months, I will be exploring (on my own, and maybe with readers) things like:
Why are certain qualities in men truly attractive and what makes me over-accepting of those qualities which aren't?
Do I really love and trust God enough to be ok with 10 or 15 more years of the single life?
HOW do I gain more contentment and joy in my life with Jesus?
What kind of a man do I really want to marry?

And I will be attempting a greater level of close relationship with my creator, as I strive after the truth found in Hebrews 10:22-
"...let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water."

Thanks for reading and considering my journey with an open mind of your own. More to come.

1 comment:

Brittany Rae said...

My dear friend, so glad I still get to hear your heart though I'm nowhere near you.

I'll be praying for you more specifically as you 'fast'.