It's for the Ladies.

Dear [insert endearing nickname here],

How was your Valentine's Day? Did you have a Valentine? Did she dress cute and draw compliments from your lips about how she was the loveliest of all girls yesterday? Did you have fun? Or were you alone? I prayed for you yesterday...and so did your future sister-in-law. She probably prayed specifically, while I prayed more generally (because it takes a lot of emotional stability to pray with focus for things you don't yet have). Something like, "Oh Lord, be with him. Let us find one another."

I, for one, knew that Valentine's Day #22 would be a go-alone. I knew because of the fast...but this foreknowledge somehow made the lovey-dovey day easier. It's as if I had told myself, "Nothing is going to happen this year. Delight in the personal traditions you love, be a girl, and keep busy." And I did. I kept very busy with my personal Valentine's traditions.

You see, when we do find one another, I may not be totally into the whole Valentine's Day thing all that much. I may view it as a day for ministering to single women because I received some blessed ministry from my sister and brother-in-law last night. Our breakfast-for-dinner PJ party was the perfect end to my *celebration of all things girly* day. Here's how it went:

First, the outfit. Oh the outfit. You can tell by walking around and perusing colors which girls are having good Valentine's Days...and which ones are either in denial or in mourning. But my outfit was jeans, pink and purple tweed pumps, a pink sweater, and heart jewelry. Breakfast was sausage and an egg, sunny-side up in the shape of a heart. I broke away from some dietary limits yesterday and allowed myself 1 tasty coffee beverage and 1 tasty dessert. This was in the plan. So a mocha was in hand as I slipped into work 5 minutes early. I found a great fine-tipped fuchsia sharpie that I used throughout my shift and enjoyed holiday festivities at the workplace. Classes went on as usual, but then came the PJ party. All the good breakfast foods, lots of pink, Glee, and flourless chocolate cupcakes (recipe here)...but most importantly, the company of a loving couple and another fab single lady. We even saw an appearance by Mom and Dad who dropped by bearing gifts.

So you see, I'd love to go out with you and celebrate our love together on future Valentine's Days...but you may have to just accept that fact that I've gone through a lot of personal formation in February 14ths past and I may need some time to just be a girl on those days. I will; we will minister to single individuals on Valentine's Days...because I know what it feels like for someone to look over and notice that I'm alone again. And to reach out and love me there. What beauty.
I love you. Well...I'll one day love you, that's for sure. And you'll one day read this and hopefully agree that Valentine's Day is for the ladies. See you some day.

Love,
Christine

Love life? ...you really goin' there?

Why yes I am. I'm about to talk about my love life.

Kind of.

More like my lack of a love life. And I say this phrase without (outright) bitterness because, as I mentioned a week ago, I've embarked on an intentional three month dating fast. Through life circumstances and friendly advise from true friends and prayer and a "what the heck" attitude, I've decided that this would be best for me at my point in life. The point in life where I looked, as a dazzley-eyed fourteen year old and thought, "by the time I'm graduating from college, I'll be engaged to the man of my dreams and I'll be married by 22." 22 was always my number...I decided upon 22 when I was about 10. It seemed like a great age to get married. And many people I know are following their own "22" time-lines. But it's not happening to me. 22 may actually come and go without any love action whatsoever. Am I ok with that?

Not really. Oh boy, no...to the point where, over the past couple of years, I have intentionally searched for love. Looking around every corner and falling into that Christian womanly accursed stereotype of seeing every male as a potential mate. It's shameful to admit this, but I do so all the same because I know many, many women can agree and relate. We have guy friends, sure. But what we see is potential. It's a sad, sick reality that I'd love to get over but am not sure I can by sheer willpower.

And I've been hurt. I mean, generally and specifically. My own devises have left me lacking in the kind of love old Christian couples talk about...that kind of eternal friendship we're all longing after. But more specifically, I'm like Gigi from "He's just not that into you." I fancy myself confident and bold (which is true of me), but when I get hurt, I take it hard and hit low lows to the extent of the highs at which I aimed.

I was at this point about a month ago where I started saying to close friends: "I've come to the conclusion that I just have the worst timing, the worst luck, the worst taste in men!" And those very friends laughed and assured me that I wasn't crazy...but I think they partially agreed with me too. Maybe not about the luck, or even the taste. But the timing.

So it's time for a break. Over the next three months, I will be exploring (on my own, and maybe with readers) things like:
Why are certain qualities in men truly attractive and what makes me over-accepting of those qualities which aren't?
Do I really love and trust God enough to be ok with 10 or 15 more years of the single life?
HOW do I gain more contentment and joy in my life with Jesus?
What kind of a man do I really want to marry?

And I will be attempting a greater level of close relationship with my creator, as I strive after the truth found in Hebrews 10:22-
"...let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water."

Thanks for reading and considering my journey with an open mind of your own. More to come.

Middle-of-the-Pyramid Update

I'm calling this my middle-of-the-pyramid update because since this post, I've been eating LOTS of fruits and veggies.

No physical, emotional, or spiritual improvements from the yeast free diet as of yet. Ha. But my doctor did encourage me to focus on the foods I can have rather than those I can't. So here is a list of foods I've been enjoying for the past two weeks:

Mexican! It's surprisingly easy to do a yeast free burrito with my brown rice tortillas.

Almond milk. Gross if not refrigerated or if sipped alone, but in a cold smoothie, it really does the trick.

Oh yes, smoothies. For snacks and desserts... as a filling dessert, I've been doing frozen banana, peanut butter, cocoa powder, and almond milk in beverage-form.

Gluten free crackers.

Chocolate sweetened with beets! {Found, of course, at the one. the only. Trader Joe's!}

Farmer's marked fruits.

Itallian sausage, onions and peppers, quinoa (this was my dinner tonight).

Some days have been miserable. I am so grateful to have all the food I need in life... to live in a country where trying a diet like this is possible. But it has not been very fun. Drastically changing the way I eat begs me to pay attention to what physical desires are saying about my heart's condition. However, there is grace and I am clinging to it tightly, because never have I had so much respect for something as seemingly simple as a diet!

What I'm Into-Jan '12

I've been inspired by my bloggy friend, Megan (if you haven't seen SortaCrunchy, you haven't thoroughly experienced the mom-blog scene)... she does a "what I'm into" post each month and I find her categories inspiring. So I'll use her format as my prompt and hopefully bring you some interesting tid-bits at the end of each month this year!

What I'm into (or was into) this January, 2012:

On my nightstand: are no books... I don't keep books on my nightstand, nor do I have time for free reading right now. I did, however, recently start a reread of To Kill a Mockingbird; one of my favorites! I'm mostly reading out of my Norton Anthologies for a Lit class I'm desperately trying to finish. On my nightstand are a water bottle, vanilla candle, almond & pistachio milk lotion, and picture frame.

TV show worth watching: Once Upon a Time, Parenthood, and New Girl are back! Pan Am is also back, but I've been a little less captured by it this month.

Movie I've seen: My roommates and I started a LOTR "marathon"... we'll be stretching it out over a few weekends, so I don't know if you could really call it a marathon. It is my favorite movie series and always has been. So many spiritual analogies and so much to savor each time you watch!

In my kitchen: wheat free, sugar free everything... lots and lots of fruits and veggies. And meat! Today, I went to the farmer's market and got red potatoes, strawberries, apples, and cucumbers. Yum.

In my ears: Coldplay and other familiar comfort tunes.

What I'm looking forward to next month: The beginning of my 3 month dating fast. I'll definitely be writing about this as it may be the only actual fun aspect of the experience!

...and that's what I was into this month. Happy February, everyone!

Gluten free has got nothin' on yeast free!

That's right.

Quick update from last post: I am working on bigger and better things for myHandH... maybe a new location, maybe just a new title... it's all very behind-the-scenes at this point.

And while behind-the-scenes happens, I am here to share about my new diet. I feel like I need to say, "That's right", again because me and diet don't really go together.

This is not a weight loss diet, though I probably will slim down from its potency. I've been going to a homeopathic chiropractor for the past six months or so. She has served as a chiropractor, nutritionist, and sort of lifestyle coach to me. Sometimes I roll my eyes at her and protest that her ideas will not work. But my immune system has been seriously strengthened because of the supplements she has me on and my headaches have all but disappeared since I've started getting adjusted regularly. Since the beginning of our time together she had been warning me that eventually, she wanted to take me off of sugar completely.

This was that week of confrontation. To make a long story short, she got my attention and made me realize that if I didn't at least try her diet plan for me, I would never see the positive effects of it. So here is the diet:

Yeast free! Which means:
No wheat.
No sugar.
No dairy.

The idea is that yeast builds up in our systems and since I struggle with health-related issues such as chronic fatigue, acne, and mood swings (which yeast build up is said to bring on or contribute to), I am a perfect candidate for the program. Yeast feeds on sugar, its favorite food and since the yeast already lives in my body, I have to get rid of it.

Well, when I left her office, I cried and said to myself, "A life without milk and sugar is not a life I'm interested in living!" Seriously, I said that. But in the past few days, I've been praying for the Lord to change my heart and help me to crave healthy foods that would fit in this diet. I also felt that I could give myself permission to ease into this huge undertaking. So this week, I'm doing no wheat and no added sugar (meaning I'm still allowing myself honey and agave, but no actual sugar-as-an-ingredient). If all goes well, I'll think about reducing dairy.

Grocery shopping for this project was fun. I went to my (favorite) Trader Joe's, of course. I bought things like:

Brown rice tortillas
Bell peppers, bananas, green beans... lots of veggies
Meat! ...though I need to buy more because this is now a major food group. Why does meat have to be so expensive?
Hummus
Corn tortilla chips and salsa

So this is my plan. I will be kind to myself as I see how my body takes to these new foods. I will stave off cravings with will power and good snacks. And if I fail, I will have at least tried really, really hard.

More to come!

Focus.

I've been on writing hiatus for no particular reason other than I've lacked inspiration. And I've been listening to this podcast where a professional entrepreneur blogger hosts other professional entrepreneur bloggers... they talk about the books their writing and how tough it is to be a mom while pursuing these careers. And I'm being lazy, not mentioning any names because I don't feel like linking to the podcast even though it's great. I'm just having that slow, tired, want-my-morning feeling. And because of these influencing mom bloggers, I've felt (I suppose) a little inadequate. Like, "Ok I'm not a mom, so why am I SO interested in these bloggers?", and, "Wow, myHandH has no direction... I just write about whatever comes to mind."

I've been thinking about ways to bring a greater focus to my blog. "Young Adult Christian Living in a Creative World"? That's the most compelling idea I have so far. If I keep all posts centered around that theme, maybe I'll reclaim the drive I once knew. Another reason I feel urgency to focus is because of my book project... remember back in May I announced that I'll be writing a book? {Sorry, but you'll have to forgive the very-specific-to-this-decade no link mood I'm in again.} Well it happened upon me that no one will be interested in buying or even reading a book that has no focus, no theme.

Young adult
Christian
living
in a Creative world...

I really want to add green living to the mix as well, but I suppose creation care could fit into "Christian" or "living"... and then there's homemaking, hmm. It's a process. I'll be back soon with a vision.

Fuel

Pain is fuel.

I just got finished with a wonderful conversation with my mentor who articulated for me the feeling I'm facing. That is, feeling like I'm back in "the same place" again. And she offered me a beautiful illustration...

In contrast to a 'round and 'round farris wheel, the journey of life experiences is actually more like a trail through a diverse forest. Some spots are beautifully lit and full of mushrooms and owls and farriers and all those romantic things I believe to inhabit a forest. Other patches are dark and full of scary corner turning, peering, and running away from the big-BAD-...something. And sometimes I do feel like I'm in the same spot I was in 6 months ago or a year ago.

But I'm not.

It's impossible to be in the same place. Not with our God; not with the growth and work he does in lives. I'm further down the trail, but the bending and winding has brought me back to the same view. Everything around looks the same as it did during that terrible tragedy or that averse heartbreak, but I am not in the same place. And I might just be brought back to this view again, but then I'll be even further along.

So I've decided that heartache is fuel because I am in a different part of my life's path... and though I hurt over harsh stuff that throws itself on me in that life forest, I'm motivated to move. To keep moving down the path and into the next thing. That is, after I sit here and look at this all-too-familiar view for a few days.