Thursday, December 15, 2011

Why I hate the enigmatic goodbye.

Today is my sister and brother-in-law's 5th wedding anniversary. A significant day for them, of course, but also one which holds huge memories for me. I was 16, she was beautiful, the night was cold... Trans-Siberian Orchestra played as she walked under the big sign I had decorated as the dutiful and smitten Maid of Honor... Becca sang, I fluffed the dress, and Laura & Oliver rightly stole the rest of the show.

And as much as I'm celebrating their love (and their coming baby) in my heart today, I'm gonna talk about me again. Is that ok? The day after the wedding was strange. Out-of-town relatives were still around, wedding gifts needed a home, there was so much leftover food, for some reason I had a ton of homework... and meanwhile, my brother and sister-in-law were celebrating their 6th month of marriage. That's right, I "lost" and "gained" all my siblings in one year. 2006 was year of the Wedding.

I'm about to attempt a connection. I'm not feeling really expressive today. I feel more like emotions are stuck, all pent-up somewhere deep in me. So here goes: I'm all "hoorah" for the end of the semester, but I'm dreading this weekend when the hype of graduation and last-week things are over. I have to say goodbye to two good friends today; two more tomorrow... all four of which are moving away for good, basically. I have to decide when I'm moving home (always feels super stupid to me to "move home" for 6 weeks). And I'm afraid that with all of these goodbyes and silly endings (some sillier than others... like~~what do I do with my Christmas tree?), closure will lack. Jesus has been teaching me that closure is not always necessary or even Biblical. But still, there's an anxiety in my heart to please everyone by being good at goodbyes and transition.

Ugh. I care about YOU. This isn't about me.

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