Thursday, November 3, 2011

Another Big November

I love doing this (arrow pointing left)...

I love a new month, new weather, more freedom to start celebrating Christmas early...

But I'm tired. And I'm apparently lamenting. In a class the other day, we were asked to sit and write a lament. I didn't think it was in me; all that sadness... but I somehow found lament and penned it quite accurately. It was satisfying in the strangest of ways. Here's an excerpt:

"There is nothing left to ponder.
It is over.
And you're still in God's hands.
But will those very same hands accept my poor, wretched gift of fear?
Because fear is all I have to offer.
I am afraid and totally unwilling to ever experience something like that ever again.
And He should know!
For He is the one who allowed my black past to sit still in my heart for so long.
Ah, there is not closure.
There is so much wrestling ahead.
Mercy, I plead, more mercy."

I find my words weird because it's not like I go around feeling like this every day. {And if you know me, don't over-analyze the above excerpt because it's not about any one event and I can't even put it all together myself... just some good, solid heart leakage.} But lamenting is important; I think I'm getting that.

Like I said, I'm very tired. Feeling lame about my state and wondering if I really needed to take it so slow, I laid down yesterday for my daily nap, telling myself, "You don't need this today", and ended up sleeping for an hour. So I guess I did. My body is hungry for health... it's hungry to be free of medication, yet it knows it needs it. This is all a complex way of saying yeah, I'm going off of some meds and am experiencing withdrawals. It's a lot more taxing than I wanted it to be. It's very, very hard, but I'm so glad I'm taking this journey.

Tired or satisfied; lamenting or not, it's something that needs to be done. I'm just praising the Lord that I can see what his hand has done over the past couple years of my life. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually... November is a big month for me. This isn't a desolate place; not even necessarily a dry place. It's just a weary, focused, quiet place. And it's a place that knows the deeply established joy of the Lord as strength.

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